We sometimes argue, but today he snapped over the phone and screamed at me like you wouldn't believe. I realize that people have a short fuse sometimes, but he was being irrational and unbelievably disrespectful, as if i was talking to a completely different person. i'm hoping he was severely drunk, so at least i would have some explanation as to what just happened. i'm very nervous about him coming home now, as i feel like my husband went to war, and now i am getting someone else in his place. He's normally very passive, nothing bothers him. it's hard for me to understand if he's ok or not, because he can't tell me what goes on over there... has anyone else dealt with a spouse coming back from a deployment on terms such as these? nothing crazy has happened between us at all, he just started going off on me out of nowhere...
2007-03-10 13:17:29 · 21 answers · asked by Stacy K 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He is just as nervous and confused as you are. I have been through this many many times. As have everybody else I know as I am a military wife myself.
Just before he comes home you will argue, snipe and act foolish. Then he will come home and for about 2-3 days you will be completely wrapped up in each other, then the WARS will begin, lol.
You will fight about the most insanely stupid things.
He will be different, you need to prepare yourself for this. Most of the soldiers I have been around start feeling really claustrophobic, and they don't like to be out in public a lot at first. They are literally changing countries. They feel like illegal immigrants in their own world. When he left it was yours and his home, now he is coming home basically "your" home. He will feel like a visitor. Odds are he will compensate by trying to be in control of everything. No matter what you do, it won't be to his standards. He needs to feel like it is his home again. You will need to give him space.
If and when he is ready to talk he will let you know, DO NOT PUSH THIS.
My husband has won numerous awards and even stars from Iraq and I don't even know what most of them are for. Even though he is proud to have the Stars, he doesnt' like what he had to do to get them.
Its going to take him time. My husband has been home for right about 7 months after this deployment and we are just now really starting to get to where we should be, and he's been in for 17yrs so we have a lot of practice!! lol
Mostly just don't push and try to make him feel comfortable in his own home, even if that means relinquishing a little bit of control (not all though, lol)
2007-03-10 13:27:11 · answer #1 · answered by Chrissy 7 · 5⤊ 0⤋
He has been in a very stressful situation. He can't tell who are the good guys and who are the bad guys because they all look the same. The carnage of war is hard to deal with and the fact that it is becoming and unpopular war( as if any have ever been popular) so he might be sure what to expect when he returns. These days they do not get the down time on the return that they did in WWII when they came home by ship. Now a days they are home in 24 hrs or less and haven't had enough downtime. It may be good to have people from town greet him at the airport to thank him for his service. Get in touch with the Patriot Guard Riders (www.patriotguard.org) in your area and see if they would be willing to join you at the airport or maybe give a motorcycle escort home. I am a Nam Vet and we have vowed NEVER AGAIN. This means that never again will a vet return home here and get the reception that we got. You will have to be understanding, you will also have to realize that you cannot understand what he went through but those he served with will be able to talk to him and help him because they went through it also.
I wish you the best of luck and hope it all works out for you and your family.
2007-03-10 13:29:34 · answer #2 · answered by quincyurt 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It will certainly be a big adjustment when your husband comes home from deployment. He may be slightly different because if he was in Iraq, or Afghanistan, he had to face the fact that he could be killed any moment, so try to have patience and give him alot of love and support when he gets home. He may be also suffering from Post Tramatic Syndrome, and he will have nightmares, wake up in a sweat, wake up screaming, suffer from the shakes, nervousness, and outbursts. If these symptoms continue, he should go to the V.A. and be checked out. He may have to take some anti=depressants for a while. Maybe he will only be nervous for a week or so and once he is home he will be back to his happy and easy going self. It is a wait and see thing. Just give him your total love and support and things will work out. I wish you well.
2007-03-10 13:26:25 · answer #3 · answered by cardgirl2 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You may not have any idea what all he has been through.
War is the extreme worse situation.
I dont know what back grounds you have and if drinking is a problem he always has then that is another problem in itself.
Your job as a wife is to make the home complete and that includes being who he needs you to be. Men want a warm comfortable home. Make some nice brewed tea and a nice meal that is his favorite. Smell good and smile and tell him your heart. Tell him how much he missed you. And that you love him and have know idea what he went through. Dont bring up the arguement over the phone to him. Later when things calm down you can tell him how that made you feel.
You should get some good answers. There is no proof that he has lost his mind from war. He can get some nerve pills.
So pray about it and dont let Satan break up your family.
You can do it.
2007-03-10 13:27:37 · answer #4 · answered by donna j 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Didnt happen to me but to a friend of mine, first of all I hope you know whats happening in there is crazy un imaginable crazy, things you see in the tv and heard in the news is just the result of whats happening in there and it is already very bad, imagine being in the situation and being part of it resulting to that. They will have this emotions that some people dont understand,mostly they dont share it to just some people except on theire loved ones and to those people who they really trust and they can express theire emotions, I think the best that you can do is understand him the best you can, and tell him you will listen to him, cause where he is right now is a no place for emotions he have inside... be strong for him.
2007-03-10 14:47:04 · answer #5 · answered by Cess B 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There are a lot of things that they do on post to help people cope with returning from Iraq. You are going to have a lot of communication failure because he is going to think you don't understand what he has been through.
The army now funds weekend getaways to help couples get back together and you can visit the union chaplain to sign up. I am pretty sure they even help with finding weekend care for your kids.
It is going to be tough. I hope you make it. we men are bad about refusing counseling and he probably will resist. If you love him, tell him you want to try these things. One thing I have heard around post is most people don't want welcome home parties or a lot of attention. I am not sure.
2007-03-10 13:56:01 · answer #6 · answered by Pooky Bear the Sensitive 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow. Deployments are hard! You did it though. You can expect him to look different when you see him. He will most likely calm down when he sees you. Just be sensitive and romantic. Be the woman he fell in love with. I am happy for you that he is coming home. I wish the both of you happiness. Don't worry things will fall back into place...
2007-03-10 13:24:45 · answer #7 · answered by amandamc32183 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There is no telling what he has been through over there.
You will need to reevaluate your relationship.He is your husband so, you should try to be understanding of his difficulties.There are certain brain washing that goes on to do what they are ordered to do.Will he go back to fight the War
again.Maybe he's totally stressed out and taking it out on you.
If you can have someone with you at all times until you're sure of his behavior.You do not accept abuse from him.Go stay
with a girl friend or family,if you are scared of him.
2007-03-10 13:32:12 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have had to be the one to do the things he usually did before he deployed. Now you have to be willing to let go and allow him to feel part of things again. You don't want to show off how independent you have become, but rather show off how important he is to you. Let go and let your husband be your husband and enjoy being a loving, supportive wife so that your marriage will be blessed.
I once read "the grass is not greener on the other side, the grass is greener wherever you are watering it." Love him, hold him, pray for him and enjoy the time you have.
Been there and should have listened to this advice...
Blessings or cursings we choose...
Sista C
2007-03-10 13:30:10 · answer #9 · answered by sista c 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have to remember that he is in a very stressful situation right now. Just try to be supportive and very patient. When he gets home, try to give him some space and some time to unwind. Just swallow your pride for a couple of days and be the "good little wifey". (no offense). Try to do the things the way he would want them done. Lots of "me" time for him. Then just slowly work your way back into the relationship so he will have time readjust to family life. Good luck.
2007-03-10 14:00:12 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋