A sudden flush
regains my body
a gentle blush
keeps me steady
A closed in pearl
as white as Heaven
the softest purr
passes like a raven
As I start to pass
with feet bare
I let it pass
never let me scare
A petal falls
the world shakes
it's a little crystal ball
my hand despairingly fakes
2007-03-10 13:01:00 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
Very mechanical. The frame is there and full of words - but it doesn't elicit any thought or feeling. No "gut" reaction. No pictures painted in the mind. Just words, nicely rhymed, hanging in a poetic frame.
2007-03-17 17:03:01 · answer #1 · answered by onparadisebeach 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Not bad = the flow is pretty nice. One thing I would suggest - actually two. One is you overused the word pass. Keep thesaurus.com in an open window when you write and try to find alternate words. Secondly the image of the softest purr passing like a raven. I dont see a raven as a soft purr, I see it as a big angry scavenger bird. I dont think the image works there for you. Maybe a dove instead? One syllable - dove fits better anyway. But it is nice. C.
2007-03-18 13:08:31 · answer #2 · answered by Persiphone_Hellecat 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't use "despairingly fakes." That makes no sense and sounds like you are striving for a rhyme.
The rest of the language use is good except for "regains my body." It also sounds really contrived.
Good luck
2007-03-17 04:40:59 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Reads more like a convoluted haiku. More stanza's and words than you need. And the word you are looking for is not 'critic' this poem it is 'critique' this poem. Sorry, I read alot and when people ask a serious question and don't spell the words right in their questions it bugs me some. Don't mind me, keep writing your poetry it still sound wonderful.
2007-03-11 05:57:20 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Im no professional but have writtten poetry and songs for fun for the last 6 years and I think it's great --one of the deepest tpoems Ive read from someone else(who also isnt published im guessing) - i wouldnt change anything...good luck hope things go well with your writing
2007-03-10 13:06:47 · answer #5 · answered by leanne 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your work shows promise! Never give up sharing your writing with the rest of the world.
Write On!
The Ol' Sasquatch Ü
2007-03-10 13:29:48 · answer #6 · answered by Ol' Sasquatch 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
the softest purr
passes like a raven
Huh? Aren't ravens black? Don't only cats purr?
2007-03-18 10:47:25 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I cannot give constructive criticism to something I don't understand, it sounds like someone opened the washroom door while you were doing your business.
2007-03-18 07:51:25 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I do not like poetry but I read it through and you have a gift-keep developing it.
2007-03-16 22:19:36 · answer #9 · answered by marlynembrindle 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
heh you are right. you think too profound for a 15 year old. and this is coming from a 13 year old too -_-
but besides that i love it.
2007-03-12 13:41:51 · answer #10 · answered by Banana Hero [sic] 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋