should marriage be an equal partnership? 50/50?

Question

my best friend, who is now married, and i can't seem to come to terms about marriage. we were both brought up in christian households, but have different takes on marriage. i believe that in a marriage all major decisions (purchase of homes, cars, etc.) should be made together or at least discussed. she says she is his "helpmate" and he makes the decisions...for example, he comes home one day with a new car, they didn't talk about geting a car, he just showed up with one. now a couple years later its time for a new car, this time it was discussed, but it wasn't the car she wanted, and the car she wanted cost less than the one he bought. vacations, they go where he wants to go, and it's usually the same place every year. she hardly ever goes to visit her family anymore just his. holidays they go to his parents house, and if she does visit her family for they holidays it's just her, not her and her husband, and it's usually just for a short visit before they go to his parents house.

am i wrong to think this is odd? does it seem to anyone else that she does all the giving in this relationship?

Answer 1

It is sad when women think they have to be subservient to their husbands wills so they can think the are being good Christian wives. Marriage is a partnership. All decisions, especially those that are very important like those like you mentioned, should be decided upon together. Helpmate? She supports him, yes, but not be dictated to by him, other wise, what is the point of her offering her advice? She is isolating herself from her family in exchange for him. She is surely becoming a shadow in her own marriage. This isn't ancient times, and the the laws of the Bible regarding the rule of marriage are not the decrees of God, rather they were the tribal laws of the times.

Answer 2

Thankfully, she's the one that married her husband, not you. All marriages are different, and from what you say, it sounds like she's content with things the way they are. If she's not feeling controlled, then who are you to judge?
I believe that a traditional marriage, where the husband leads, is the best way. But, what works for my marriage wouldn't work for yours. In my home, my husband makes all the major decisions - but he asks for and respects my input. If there's a disagreement, I'll usually defer to him. But, if it's something I feel strongly about, he'll defer to me if it's not important to him. However, I make all the "small" decisions - you know, raising the kids, finances, decorating, budgeting, etc. Submission is a choice I've made, and it works for my marriage. Many women view me as weak, but I think it takes a strong woman to submit to her husband.
I don't agree with the 50/50 thing - no marriage will ever be totally equal. One partner tends to have a more giving nature than the other, and keeping score rarely works. I'd rather give more than have a power struggle over the 0.02% that would make it a 50/50 split.
I tend to view your friend's take on marriage - that she is his helpmate, and he is the leader. However, I do agree with you that he seems to take advantage of her submission. We don't know the details - if she seems happy and it works for them, just agree to disagree. But if she seems depressed, or there may be abuse going on, then keep communicating with her on the subject, and let her know you're there for her if she needs your help.

Answer 3

Everyones marriage is unique to the 2 people involved. If it works for them then who's to say it's wrong? Personally I think marriage is a partnership. My wife and I talk about everything. Every purchase, we make the grocery list together even. And I do help with the housework. We share all the responsibilities and work great as a team. We support each other and sometimes she works at it a little harder and some days I do. It all works out for the good of the marriage.

Answer 4

Your friend sounds like she is in a controlled marriage and she just follows suite. You are right in the aspect of marriage
it is to be a shared 50/50 partnership things of significant importance should be discussed and decided on as a couple
buying a new car when in impacts the house finances and everything else is one of those things that needs serious discussion. If he is controlling vacations and all that then if I were her I would just go get some tickets to a place she wants to go and tell him if he doesn't want to go with me I'll take one of my lady friends. He is a controlling a ss and well your friend is to scared of the thought of losing him if she stands her ground and asks to be respected and communicated with on all big decisions.

As for family maybe he is to ashamed to be around her family because of the way he treats there daughter and sibling.

Answer 5

Yes, by all means marriage "should" be a 50/50 deal, but nowadays most marriages are mostly balanced more to an 80/20 equation. It's sad when you really think about it, but it is true. Most marriages today are dominated by competitiveness between the two parties involved. Which side of the family do we spend the most time with, or what should be on the dinner menu!

Answer 6

I believe a marriage is a 50/50 relationship where each party gives 110%.
That said, any major decision should not be made until the couple discuss the matter togeather and come up with a viable solution or compromise if they don't agree. If they agree, then there is no problem. Marriage is a team, and a team works togeather.

Answer 7

You can't answer this with a definate Yes or No. The way every relationship is structured is going to be different. If your friend is happy with the relationship she is in, allow her to be happy and don't criticize. If you believe marriage should be 50/50, then find a mate that has the same view.

Personally, I believe a relationship has to be somewhat unbalanced. Otherwise, no decisons or progress is ever made. Judging from your post, you're likely the dominant person in your relationships and therefore can't relate to how your friend can give so much.

Answer 8

No, you are not wrong in that sense. All decisions should be made together. You are wrong about a marriage being 50/50 though. A marriage is a 100% give from both sides, expecting nothing in return.
Until my first wifes death, we were married 37 years and never had a fight.

Answer 9

It does appear she does most of the giving but I don't believe marriage can or should be 50/50. First when you truly love someone there is no need to keep score. Also, if there must be a split, it should be more like 80/20 on both sides. It is always more blessed to give then to receive even in a relationship. If both parties work toward making the other one happy they will end up being happy themselves. As far as your friend's situation, it sounds like you are more dissatisfied with her marriage then she is. Perhaps if makes her happy to make him happy. I agree he could be less domineering but for that to happen she will have to become more assertive. They say opposites attract. I personally prefer your thinking but we can't push our views on others unless they want to change. Best wishes to you and to your friend.

Answer 10

I believe that the husband should be the head of the household but not frivolously making purchases without both coming to an agreement. Major decisions should be made together. Perhaps they are happy with the way the marriage is going. As for me I wouldn't be. I think that I'm with you on this one.