Have you ever seen
a man speak,
a mouse squeak,
isn't it keen?
Have you ever heard
A rose's petal fall,
a crowd shout 'shame to you all',
and isn't it such a hoard?
Have you ever felt
your heart melt
is it on your belt
so it dosen't fall
Have you ever
been destroyed
been annoyed
been enjoyed?
Have you ever..
fallen in love?
My sister helped me find the nice rhymes, you can distinguish those of hers and mine.
2007-03-10 12:34:00 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
Short, blunt answer: It's terrible.
Long answer: the problem is that the rhymes sound really forced. Seen/Keen? Heard/Hoard? Words like that sound very forced, as if you were trying to find rhymes that you didn't know were there originally. Also, you don't need the apostrophe in "rose's." You started off using a ABBA CDDC rhyme scheme, but then randomly switched to EEED FGGG FH. While this could be an attempt at making the second half of the poem different from the first, you should at least try to keep some consistency or make it switch over more smoothly. Maybe do something like ABBA CDDC DEED FEEE FG. That way the transition is a little smoother and doesn't really break the rhythm and flow of the poem.
While it's not wrong to go outside of basic rhyme schemes, in fact I would normally advocate it, but it's hard to make minor changes to a sonnet form without making it sound broken and disjointed.
2007-03-10 12:57:58 · answer #1 · answered by Rate 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I'm not a great critique of poetry, but its funny how your last sentence rhymed! I guess its good for just a little something you and your sis has fun creating. I don't really read much poetry though, so I can't give a very informed opinion.
2007-03-10 12:36:52 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hmm, why do i stumble on this worrying in content cloth? I genuinely have a feeling this poem is deceptively revealing of a young person's means to act out what is going on of their minds and of their lives. "arms twist uncomfortably" leaves me feeling haunted by technique of an unknown reason for this line. The spirit of poetry is alive and nicely on your arms m'expensive. it particularly is appropriate examining, provocative and appealing and a tad creepy.
2016-09-30 12:15:31 · answer #3 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it is nice. It is enjoyable to read with a funny twist I think you and your sister may have something going keep it up see what else you can come up with you and her may be the next "Cat in the Hat"
2007-03-10 12:38:45 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I really liked it. It seems really playful but serious at the same time, and I think it's sweet that your sister helped you. Two thumbs up! <3
2007-03-10 12:38:01 · answer #5 · answered by infinity 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yes. one part of the poem consists of innocence while the other side is of a love.
i feel the poem is imbalanced at the end. with the one statement. and another innocent statement the second to the last and it is ok.
2007-03-10 12:38:34 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
its pretty good but i think some parts dont make much sense like the first stanza, the second stanza, and i dont know about the third sanza about the belt part.
2007-03-10 12:39:24 · answer #7 · answered by 4evrAsk8tr 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i usually enjoy poems but not so much this one. Sorry
2007-03-10 12:36:38 · answer #8 · answered by dodgedifferent01 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry,I do not care for this poem.
2007-03-10 12:37:44 · answer #9 · answered by Mr Bellows 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You know what?
I really liked that!
nicely done. :-)
2007-03-10 12:37:32 · answer #10 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋