How do I keep from thinking that its my fault?

Question

My ex-husband was abusive, money-minded and controlling and also very, very demanding. He has sole physical and legal custody of our 14 year old daughter and lives in another state.

We divorced about 4 years ago. He always thought and I bought into the fact that we would get back together.

He moved due to job reasons and I went back to stay in the house for about 3 weeks. He was still the same and I could not adjust to him. My mother-in-law and daughter were really pushing for us to get back together as a family. I did not see that happening.

I feel that its my fault for not being able to adjust to his ways. How can I know and understand that its the dynamics of the relationship and not just my fault as they believe?

Answer 1

Of course you feel it's your fault - if you were married to an abusive, controlling man for however many years, it's been drilled into your head that the problem is YOU, not him.
I remember your question from a month or two ago about trying again in order to be close to your daughter - I applaud you for trying. Is there a chance of you getting custody at this point? How did things go with her?
But if he hasn't changed, that means he's still abusive, and NO ONE deserves to be in an abusive relationship. You would probably benefit from counseling, nothing we say is going to convince you that it's not your fault, even though I'm sure, deep down, you already know that. It's just all the crap that he drilled into you over the years. You should not be expected to "adjust" to living with abuse. His mother is, of course, going to side with him. As for your daughter, she lives with him, it's his version of events that she's hearing on a daily basis.
Get in touch with a counselor that has experience in treating women who have been abused - any women's shelter or domestic violence hotline can point you in the right direction.

Answer 2

First of all, every divorce has two sides and we are getting only one here. If this situation is truly just as you say, one sided then the problem is simply that everyone has self doubts and feelings that they did something wrong when a marriage ends, regardless of how rational it is. Your family wants you to reconcile because they don't want your daughter to have divorced parents. That he has sole custody of your daughter when you say he is abusive and controlling is very worrisome...you should be worried about her instead of what your relatives think. Your inlaws will usually believe their child first, so it isn't surprising. I suspect with you losing custody there are some issues on your part that you should take care of...if not you need to hire a good lawyer and get your daughter back.

Answer 3

Why would you care what others think? If your daughter is being influenced by them which am sure she is understand that as she gets older she will understand the situation.Did you leave him for abuse of some kind? Get a good lawyer and expose him for what he is. Try to maintain a good relationship with your daughter as best you can.

Answer 4

Once you bring in a child, I am almost thinking you should stay with him just to be with your daughter. She did not choose her life you chose it for her. She may really need you over the next few years. If you just can't stay with him then you should move to the same town as your daughter. She should come first!

Answer 5

Stop letting your mother-in-law and your daughter put you on a guilt trip. You know why the marriage failed and why you can't go back with this man, so stop beating yourself up about it. Let your daughter know you love her and get on with your life. You don't owe your mother-in-law any more explanations, so don't offer any. Treat her with kindness and let that be it.