help me wife troubles?

Question

Im 32, I have been married for 7 years, 4 yrs happily and 3 unhappily. Im the father 3 wonderful little girls. i just dont know. im a investment banker i work long hour some times very long hours(120 a week). I come home after a 120 hr stretch the house is a mess, my wife has a maid 2x a week, no attempt to buy and/or prepare food for me. which is bad but whats unforgivable is that i come home and my little girls say they havent eaten for a day, and on number of occassions my youngest who is in diapers was unattended too. After i clean up and feed my daughters. I try to go to bed, then my wife bugs me for sex everynight until i do it, so instead of 6 hours of sleep i get about 3. then go back to work. My wife spend everything i make, i have possession of 17 suits 4 pairs of jeans and 10 tee shirts, and she spend 750K on her self. She tell her friends she has a great marriage, and i believe she thinks that, and there all jealous. i tell her how i feel she so sorry i love you

and things will change, they never do. We just don't have conversations anymore. I had 2 emotional affairs (i guess thats what their called with, no physically intimacy at all) younger women(23,25) at my office, they wanted more i told them i love my wife and ran.i avoid them now. Im catholic so divorce really isnt an option i want to fix my marriage

I spend my weekends completely with my kid and occasionally go out with my wife last week we took a carriage ride through central park

I don't think shes cheating. she brags about our sex life to her friends. To me its become so empty. I get hit on by women of all ages all the time. Im not bad looking guy im 6'9, 265lb athletic build, im half italian tan skin blue eyes. It bothers me that i can have a conversation with a woman at my office or random woman i met but not my wife. She has become like a spoiled child.

two things when i met her 10 years ago and was married to her for 4 yrs she was not like this and its my fault because it wasn't over night. When i can i cut down my hours. to about 80 which i have been doing more often. but every month there is a week where i will work 120 hrs or 2. or 1 to 3 100 hr weeks

Answer 1

Honey, you have MAJOR wife troubles. You don't have a wife, you have a 4th child to look after.
Things obviously need to change. Of course she tells her friends she has a great marriage - she has a man to support her, with her giving NOTHING in return. If she can't take care of the kids and the house while you're working 120 hours a week, time to look for a new job with less hours and downsize your life - smaller house, older cars, less vacations, whatever it takes to make sure your kids are properly taken care of. Or, take over the finances, and give her an allowance to live on, instead of letting her spend your entire paycheck. You're working to support her in this lifestyle and getting nothing back from her.
It does sound like she may be depressed. If she's not taking care of herself, the kids, or the house, she might be clinically depressed and need medical attention. The fact that you work such long hours has to rough on both of you. It could be that she's not happy with how things are either, but just doesn't know how to pull herself out of it. Maybe she'd prefer a smaller house and more time with you...
If divorce is not an option (good for you) then counseling is a must. If she wants to continue this life, then she needs to step up, be a real wife, and start taking care of her children. Right now she's neglecting them, and that's not fair to them. But if she's not willing to change at all, remember that even the Catholic church allows divorce in abusive situations - and what she's doing (or not doing) for your daughters borders on abuse.
Put your foot down and stop allowing her to walk all over you. She doesn't deserve what you've given her.

Answer 2

If she is acting like a child, treat her like so. Cut the purse strings and give her a reasonable allowance. Money seems to have become the object of her affections and if she would take better care of things that are more importaint such as the children. Take away the money and hire a nanny/housekeeper that you can trust (do I live by you? :) just kidding) All jokes aside, gaining back controle of your finances will give you more sense of self and lower the resentment towards her (which I assume you lavish money upon her because of the guilt you may feel from being away so long, but if you cut your hours and made less I assume she would not be happy either). Going back, hire a nanny/maid to take care of your children 5 or 6 days out of the week. Have her there morning until the kids eat dinner or go to bed, whichever you feel comfortable with. She will be upset and try to run her off, but for the sake of your children be wise. Let her know, because of the way you find your children this is not up for debate.Start keeping account of the money that she spends because I am sure that she will take you to the cleaners if you decide to divorce, in that case fight for custody of the children, you make enough to have someone help you take care of them. You want to believe the best in her and the person that you fell in love with, but do not just blame her, you also facilitated this change in her by passifying with money. I have lots of ideas if you need more :) Good luck

Answer 3

Your are right you have spoiled her, maybe you need to give her a reality check. I had the same problem with my husband two years ago at that time, we had been married for 24 years, and I did everything, yes, my husband is a hard worker but so was I. I was lucky to have a job that I could leave at 4:00 pm. I would go home to prepare for dinner, wash clean, by the time, I was finish with everything I would not go to bed until midnight and there was everyone in there beds fast asleep, and yes, he bragged about what a wonderful wife he had, but I felt so lonely and neglected. Well the job was cut short so I was laid off a friend of mind, which I kept in touch with over the years said that she needed help just for three months, but it was in Las Vegas Nevada, and lived in Arizona. Therefore, you know what; I took it I left for three months, and he was miserable he was in deep agony. Therefore, when I came back home he made sure that I was no longer a slave to the house chores, and do not feel-neglected life is sweet now do not get me wrong I enjoy cooking, but I cooked everyday, and never had a break from the kitchen. Maybe you just need to get up and leave I did and it worked.

Answer 4

Cut back on your hours, set a schedule for projects she (your wife) needs to accomplish each day, hold her responsible for your daughters well being since she is a stay at home mother, stop the emotional affairs because they will only confuse your mind in what you are trying to achieve with your family, sit your wife down and have a very candid conversation about your family and relationship, and then take away her charge cards and access to accounts while working through this. She does not need to be spending money like it will always be there. As long as you accept this behavior she will continue to run amuck. Good Luck!

Answer 5

You may want to cut your workweek down to 100 hours (which is still insane) but then you could get a little more sleep and also have time for couples counseling.

Maybe you can make a list of things you think should be done during the day. Tell her your concern about household issues have been affecting your performance at work and having these things taken care of will protect your job. Stress the idea of partnership.
Good Luck.

Answer 6

How terrible! I work full time, go to school, have four kids and two step kids, and I still cook and clean. People always ask me how I keep the house so clean and I say, "I clean it!". I can't imagine a woman who doesn't work and can't keep a clean house and doesn't feed the kids. I'm not sure what to tell you, but you certainly need to cut back on your hours, and set some rules for your wife. Tell her you are not happy and you don't understand why she can't clean and care for the kids. This is what every MOTHER does! You can go to counseling, send her to some sort of money management class and maybe even parenting class. You love her, so that is the first step to making a marriage work.

I wish you all the best.

Answer 7

This is inexcusable! Your wife owes you some respect for your working long hard hours. I am sorry but it seems that she is not taking care of your kids or you in any way. She is just ignoring what she should be doing. You need to have a talk with her about this immediately and give her some goals to meet in a short period of time. If she can not meet those goals then you need to take serious action. You daughters deserve nourishment and loving care. Who is watching them when the maid is not around? Is you wife there but not taking care of her childrens needs? What is she doing when they need meals prepared? You would be better off with a house keeper on a daily basis that would be there to care for you kids while you are at work. Perhaps you could have someone move in and care for the kids. It would be cheaper and they would at least have some food prepared for you when you returned from work. Working these long hours also needs to be addressed. Can you lessen your hours at work and spend more time at home. Sex can not solve the problems in your home. It will take far more than that to fix these problems. Do not wait to fix these problems. Your kids can not take care of themselves and you have to make choices so their needs are not being ignored. Act quickly.

Answer 8

You may want to think about taking your wife to one of the Family Life conferences. They have a good reputation for teaching couples to communicate again. http://www.familylife.com/conferences/default.asp

You also might need to prioritize. Being a Navy wife myself I know how hard it is to raise kids with a husband who's absent because of work. If my husband didn't find ways to support me as a wife as well as a mother we wouldn't make it. His Naval career may not be on the fast track but we're happy at home and he's even had guys who are on the fast track tell him they wish they'd made some of the same decisions he has. Money is a cold bedfellow.

Also, you say your first 4 years were happy. I take it that your wife wasn't always this way. Is it possible that she's depressed? A dirty house and compulsive shopping can be signs of this...maybe. See if she'll talk to her doctor about it.

Answer 9

Wow. You need to go to counselling now. She needs to grow up and take care of her family. Of course you have some ownership in the marital problems, BUT it is not your fault she can't get up and take care of the children. No offence, but she sounds greedy and lazy. I can't believe you don't want to divorce her. You should tell her you are going to marriage counselling and she could use individual counselling or else you will leave her. That should be enough to make her put forth an effort. You should think of your children's best interest, they are not being taken care of. If she doesn't get help you may need to leave for her sake. I'm very sorry for what you are going through, I hope counselling helps.

Answer 10

Does the wife want a job? Do you want a job? Apparently, the wife wants you to find a job and shut off the television set. If you guys need the money, as we all do, then I could see why she is "pressing you." This is a positive for the both of you. The wife can tape the shows or you can, and pick up on them, when you return from your "job hunt." This would be a great compromise. What shall we then say to these things? If GOD be for us, who can be against us? - Romans 8:31. The Lord daily loadeth us with BENEFITS, even the GOD of our salvation. Selah. - Psalm 68:19. Peace, Love and God Bless.