Should I get a divorce?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 3 and a half years now. He is in the military and has been gone about half that time. I feel like all we do is argue, and it is always about the same subjects! We are older, I am 34 and he is 28, yet it seems like we bring out the worst in one another sometimes. He says I am too opinionated, and not nice at times. I am a strong ,independent woman, and I do not see this as a negative thing! His family and I do not really get along well. They were not crazy about us getting married in the first place as it is. We disrespect one another alot, verbally. We hang up on one another on the phone, yell and scream, etc....We do better for a while, but it always ends up happening again. There are times where we get along great and we do have fun together, yet it seems to be getting overshadowed by the arguing. If we argue, there are times where he will ignore my phone calls, and this just infuriates me further.

I am by no means placing all the blame on him! I just do not know if we need to continue trying to work together to fix these problems or if we should get a divorce. How does one make such a difficult decision?

Answer 1

Get a divorce, why make each other miserable!

Answer 2

How long did the two of you know each other before you got married? I can't help but wonder just how much time you did have together before hand to really get to know one another if he's 'gone half the time' because he's in the active military.

I do know from personal experience that those in active duty at least, can be very difficult to deal with. They may not have been that way when they first enlisted but that doesn't mean that they don't become that way once they are in. By this I mean that I know about some of the things that they see when deployed and it changes a person and not always for the better. There are so many that come back with PTSD and many of those go undiagnosed. Just something that you may want to keep in mind.

Now with that said, all relationships are hard work. Parents, kids, spouses, friends, etc. Have you two thought about going back to the dating phase, even if that means living at dfferent addresses for a time? I'm thinking that if you could turn back the hands of time and begin again, maybe that would make a difference. Only the two of you know whether or not you even want to put forth that kind of effort.

Whatever you do - please - the two of you can't go on the way that you are. It is bad for the both of you emotionally and mentally. We already have a world filled to over flowing of the walking wounded.

Don't add two more.

Answer 3

I don't answer many of these, but yours begs for some enlightenment, hon.

How does one make such a decision? I think marriage is admiration, respect, passion and trust, with lots of lovies, kindnesses, support, open conversation, and resolving issues without rage. (and unfortunately, we don't teach this last one in high school) and putting the other first. And sometimes, the best thing is just to shut the hell up. Sometimes we also need to look at our relationship in practical fashions --- is this a person I can get along with? do we have more in common that we have in difference? is this a person I'd like to plan a family with, and can I accept the fact that our feelings for each other will change and evolve, as we age together? Because if these are things you have not considered, you will never find a spouse to be in a solid relationship with... this one, or the next one.

Things that you have each spouted off to the other, you can never take back, and again, it goes to the thing your mom probably often told you: "If you can't say something nice, ...."

Further, it is a real skill to communicate your needs, wishes and desires without inflammatory responses, and without resentment.... in college, counseling courses teach this skill: " I would like it if we would...." I need some time with you to discuss this...." "I feel that when you do this, you are shutting me out of your thoughts..." yadayada. There is no argument about what you feel, what you need, and what you want.... There is, however, when you trod on the other guy's ego...


When you say such things as:
" You are such a jerk when you do....." "How in the hell can I get my stuff done when you...." "Are you trying to be stupid when we....."

See the difference?

If you each wish to save your relationship, you might try a few sessions of counseling... and by so doing, you might discover that indeed you have no reason to go forward as a couple. In which case, it would be time to cut each of your losses.....

Answer 4

Divorce is the easy way out, yes. Not the commendable one, though.

Why are you fighting? There has to be a reason. Most couples who CONSTANTLY are really fighting about the SAME thing, just in a different context.

Marriage couselors are mediators. That's all. It's a lot of money for a situation that you and your husband can work out if you a) know what the problem is, b) can compromise, and c) love each other.

You don't have to like your in laws. My husband can't STAND my mother. We, however, don't love each other any less. It's OUR marriage, not my mother's.

I guess the best way to get your point across in an argument without causing lasting damage is to not call names, and to not yell. One of you may be getting angry, but if he's gone a lot of the time, are you sure that it's not just because you miss each other and have no one else to vent your frustrations on?

Think about why you're fighting before you think that divorce is your only answer.

Answer 5

You shouldn't decide anything right now. Go get some help for your relationship and your family. I too am a strong ,opinionated, independent woman, and I'm here to tell you. We are overbearing people, we want it our way.All of the time. God forbids, if we are ignored, push or made to look small and all of hell breaks loose. He is doing the right thing by not getting into confrontation with you. You should really learn to respect his parents more than you do and then maybe then, they will respect you. Do not give up your marriage. Work on your attitude, that's what I'm currently doing. Girl, if you got me wrong I could tell you a thing or two, I can take care of myself and I will not be treated as a fool. Well then I learned i had to give alittle and he began to give allot. i learned to be quiet, when I wanted to really stand up for myself.You need to check your behavior before he find someone else that is not so mouthy.

Answer 6

Marriage good or bad is going to be a rough road, but remember a marriage is about two people and two people alone - you and your spouse. It sounds as if both of you need to inform both sides of the family that their behavior isn't settling any differences between you and your husband. If they can't offer support to the both of you then its time for them to take a back seat.
Give your problems the respect they deserve. Young marriages need a time to bond and it sounds as if you missed that with your spouse's military duties.
Marriage counselors can do wonders in helping couples find a medium ground where they can communicate. Local churches are an awesome place to search out free or low priced counseling.
Divorce should be the last available option and until that time both partners need to realize its a slow tedious road to recovery be honest with each other and more importantly honest with yourselves whether you're ready to truly commit to make the marriage work. For more help try http://family.org/

Answer 7

married 22 ys now and half of it was military--girl you need to back down and be a woman, where is your quite, feminine side? if he doesn't find it with you he will elsewhere-no guy wants to be with a drill sgt. all the time, his parents [ i trust] only want to see their son happy, you are supposed to 'support' him, in ways no other person can.
do you know what strong really is? it's being patient, holding the reigns on your tongue, letting him make the important decisions now, he is a man, not a boy, what part of that don't you understand? he was man enough for the military but not good enough for you? do your own [moral] thing, and let him do his, with confidence, he has enough on his mind, he needs you to be there for him. My husband works in the MidEast, 6 mos at a time, and i am doing my part keeping the home warm and loving for him, why does my husband deserve more than yours? you may be ready to cuss me out by now--but think of this-if you divorce; within 3 mos. he'll have some sweet young thing on his arm, w/ inner qualities you have lack. so good luck.

Answer 8

Only you can decide that. But, I was in a marriage just like that for five years. I learned a few things. I know now that yelling and arguing only makes the other person feel more justified to do things to hurt you (emotionally in my experience), and I realized both of us only had one life. Why spend it constantly arguing or unhappy. Maybe you could sit down, refuse to fight, and just have a conversation about what to do next. I hear counseling can be a great option if both parties are willing. Best wishes.

Answer 9

The good thing is that you see your faults, and know what you need to work on. Your fighting style should not determine whether or not you stay married.....just change how you do it. If you are too angry to talk then let each other know and discuss the issue later. Screaming, hanging up on each other, being disrespectful....that will solve no problems. If you truly love each other, then work it out. Remember that each time you hang up on each other may be the last time you get the opportunity to do so, so why waste it? Say "I'm angry but I love you and will talk to you later".

Answer 10

This shouldn't be such a difficult decision. Divorce should never be an option. If you don't allow divorce to be an option, then you can move toward fixing things. But as long as you allow divorce to be an option it will be hard to fix things. It sounds like you need professional counseling. Being that he is in the military there are a lof options for you. Fleet and Family service centers, chaplains, and the military hospitals. Don't allow divorce to be an option. marriage is forever.

Answer 11

Life is short and their is know way anyone should waste it being in a bad relation and being unhappy. when you find the right person everything just seems to fall in to place. In 29 years me and my wife have had to spats that lasted about 2 hrs we love to be with each other all the time when we are apart while working we wish we together, it's like it was prearranged by someone that we be together.