Are we doomed to make each other miserable?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 11 years. It's basically been a roller coaster of emotions. He's always been a very negative person & I'm always upbeat. For years he wasn't there for me when I needed him but I stuck around because I loved him. He's always said mean, hurtful things to me whenever he gets mad. I've always been the doormat & took it. Now he wants to work things out and has made some changes but I just feel numb to it all. Physically the sex is still good but I can't get into it emotionally. I do it more for him now even if I don't want it. I feel like the changes are just too little too late. We were 19 & 26 when we got together & now we're 30 & 37 w/ 2 kids. I've grown up and feel like I just settled. I know there are people out there that will consistently treat me better. Yet it's been 10 years and this is my "security." I just don't know if it's even worth it anymore. I love him but I'm not "in love" anymore. And he refuses counseling. I'm just numb.

Not enough space to explain the whole situation! LOL He SAYS he loves me more now than he ever did. Yet the negativity keeps up, even when he tries to be positive. And it feels forced to me. Maybe I'm just cynical now. I dunno. What makes it harder is that if we separate, I'll move back to MI where my family and my life is and he'll stay in WA where his job is. I don't want to take his kids away but I want to be HAPPY. It's affected them a lot. Our formerly "model child" who is 7, is now acting out with aggression and tantrums & I know it's our fault. Even if we don't argue in front of them, they sense the tension. I don't want that for them. I want them to grow up in a stable environment, not a stressful, tense one. Yet I never wanted my kids to grow up without their father. It's just so much harder when there are kids involved... *sigh* I just don't feel like I have it in me to keep trying. Been there, done that. Didn't work. Is that selfish or just reality setting in?

Answer 1

dont do it.

Answer 2

You can't make yourself love someone if you don't. And to be quite honest, you have so many grudges you are carrying for his past actions even with counseling I doubt it would work out. You are staying out of a feeling of obligation for the time you have already committed to your relationship. You met each other at a young age with too little experience in what love and a lifetime commitment actually are. It is a lesson that many of us have learned the hard way. I'm sorry that you have joined the same club that many of us found our way into, but it's time that you leave. No one is meant to go through life in a loveless relationship and it isn't fair to the kids to continue raising them in such a life. Kids need to view a positive life with two loving parents not just two adults living together in misery. This can follow them into their own marriages. Do whats best for yourself and the kids. Good Luck.

Answer 3

No, you aren't, but you have to stop being selfish and thinking of yourself. He didn't 'make' you a doormat, you allowed him to. We teach people how to treat us. Don't blame ANY of your difficulties on him - you are a mature woman with children who is supposed to have her act together. Stop acting like a spoiled teen. A marriage takes a LOT of work and you have to start rolling your sleeves up, and YOU look after your family for a change - instead of waiting for him to treat you better. Sheesh! Change your attitude, and your whole family dynamic will change, and you will be raising happy children who feel wanted and welcome in the family - instead of the type of troubles you see your child getting into.
If you need help, seek some counselling for yourself. Good luck. Stop blaming your husband.

Answer 4

Hey people change overtime. I'm negative just like your man here. You two aren't married so no harm no foul. If you have to split then do so.

It sucks about the kids an all. Having their real father with them is always a plus.

You have to decide to sacrifice your happiness for theirs or vice verse. Tough call to make.

Good luck.

Answer 5

it sounds like the changes he's made have come a little too late after years of emotional abuse. you shouldn't feel like you've settled when it comes to long-term relationships...don't get me wrong, the initial passion of all relationships eventually fades, but what should take its place is true love and commitment.

if YOU feel like nothing he can do will change the way YOU feel, then it's time to bow out for both your sakes and your children's (because it has to be emotionally taxing on them too).

Answer 6

Think about the kids, they might better with separated parents than with parents who can't teach them how to be happy in life. Do them a favor move out MI, a new environment might help the kid straightening up.

Answer 7

I feel so sorry for you, I have been married 22 years now and i too have the same feelings..i care about him as my children's father, and for what he has done for me over the years, but i am not in love with him anymore, time changed that........you just have to follow your heart and again i'm so sorry, i know exactly how you feel........good luck

Answer 8

particularly truly some us are healthful such truly some human beings flow to the gymnasium and care about their well being and we are gloomy because we could artwork our butt off to the MAX without breaks because of this stupid recession that im particular you do no longer understand about because of your small, ignorant,and prejudice ideas perhaps in case you probably did some smart into our subculture and how we stay you'll see why some human beings act that way and that i favor to make certain you stay what we could do its now problematic and in no way as interesting because it seems and "no longer having it occurring". thousands of thousands individuals are apprehensive we may loose our activity and thousands of thousands individuals do loose our jobs day-after-day hence compelled to artwork in small shabby quick food resturaunts that pay so little we are able to barley take the bus living house with the money we are givin and some are scavanging for any activity to feed our family members and some could promote their living house and cant even promote it reason no you'll manage to pay for to purchase it so we are compelled to stay untill its bought or maybe as it truly is its diminished to an particularly small cost. so in end dont assume what you spot on pretend unrealistic television.

Answer 9

Don't let fear hinder you from happiness. If he's not willing to get counseling to change himself for the better, then maybe you should leave the relationship for the better.

Good Luck!

Answer 10

if he has made changes maybe you owe it too your kids to give him a chance. tell him there is one condition...Counseling! If he loves you he wll go.

Answer 11

dont go for it hunn,, marrige is VERY serious!