Attracted to a married friend...feelings are mutual...what to do?

Question

Here is the situation: I became friends with a coworker over the past few weeks. Before I knew he was married, I sensed a huge attraction and it is clear that the feelings are mutual. Now, I have met his wife, and while I like her, it is difficult because the relationship she describes is completely doomed. I have NO intention of getting involved with him, as I do not mess with married men. Here is the problem: she complains about him constantly, talks about leaving, and asks my advice. I am trying to be fair and give her the advice I would give anyone else, which is that if she is unhappy, then she needs to figure out what would make her happy. I feel like a sneak because I really want this man in a bad way. I KNOW if they split that he and I would have a fling at the very least, so I worry that me giving any advice here is wrong. Avoiding them is not possible as we have mutual friends. If they ever DO split, would it be wrong for me to be with him, since I was friends with him first?

Distancing myself isn't an option. I work with him and if I were to suddenly not be around her, but continued to socialise with him at work, that would just be icky! And I really don't think he prefers me to her!!!!!! She's his wife, I'm his friend. I'm not saying we're falling in love; we're friends who are unfortunately really attracted to each other. Neither one of us is the type to throw caution to the wind and hurt people because of an attraction.
Honestly, thier relationship is identical to one I had a few years back; it is doomed, neither one is happy, and the wife places all the blame on him, which means that she is unwilling to do any of the work necessary to try to save the marriage. He has never bashed her to me, as he knows I will have none of that; she, on the other hand, has NOTHING good to say about him. The advice that I have given her is to look at her life with him and what it would be without him; which life is the one that would make her happy?

K...the attraction is not only physical but mental. He and I just click; crappy luck, but there it is.
And he is NOT a cheater! He hasn't behaved inappropriately with me and we have made it a policy to not be alone together, ever since we were both tipsy and hugged eachother goodbye. We know the boundaries and will not cross them. He's never been unfaithful to his wife, while unbeknownst to him, she has and is considering an affair. Nothing she says to me gets back to him; I refuse to hasten the end of this marriage.
Last night I was out with her and she started asking for advice, and I just told her that I had given her all the advice I had on the situation and really can't say much more.

B.K. Here are the details you wanted.
1. I asked the day after I met him if he was involved with anyone; he told me he was married, which is why I thought a friendship was fine and figured the attraction would go away, since crushes usually do. Neither of them wears a ring.
2. See above
3. I make no decisions for his wife; she's a strong woman who has her own mind, tyvm! And he does NOT flirt with other women hardcore; the worst he has ever been with me was to tell me I looked great one night when the whole crew went out after work and to not let any of the local losers sweet talk me.
He hasn't cheated, neither he nor I have any intention of acting on our feelings. We have acknowledged that the hug was a bad idea and that it's best to not be alone together. He's not a cheating scumbag; I was married to one of those and know far too well what it's like to be the cheated on wife, which is the main reason why I will NEVER so much as touch him as long as they are married.

Thanks for all the good advice! I will say that befriending the wife wasn't something I would've chosen to do; unfortunately, she and one of my other good friends are very close, and we have been thrown into social situations on a very frequent basis.
I socialise with HIM only at work now, mainly because he is part of the the same circle that I run with there, and I'm sorry, I am not going to go hide in a corner on every break and be miserable because I'm attracted to the guy. I love my co-workers and deserve to enjoy my time with them.
I think that the root of the problem for me is that I have never felt this way about someone who is taken before; I don't care for it, not at all.
And I'm sorry, but I can't control who I am attracted to; what I can control is what I do about it.
But, again, thanks to everyone (well, excluding 'Dad'; you're a prick) for the advice, even some of the slightly harsh words. I don't agree with all of it, but the input is appreciated. Good job all :)

Answer 1

You are not being honest with yourself. Dispite popular opinion, you can control who you are attracted to and it seems like dispite your talk you allowed this attraction to nurture and grow. You should have discourged it in yourself and him when you first noticed it. And you made matters worse by befriending his wife...To me that's a person who already is working on getting their foot in the door.

Here's what you need to do if you truly consider your friends wife to be your friend. Stop giving her advice on their marriage. Tell her to seek counseling if she wants to stay in the marriage and stop telling other women about the negatives of her husband. Tell her that you would gladly be with him if she doesn't want him and that is what she is setting up to happen if she continutally tells any woman who will listen how miserable she is.

You need to find an available man to focus your attention on. By becoming involved in this situation, you have intruduced an unnecessary distraction for your friend/co-worker. You could be just the thing/excuse he needs to walk out on his wife. Is that what you truly want.

You seem like a intelligent woman. Back away. If you want to be friends with the wife, do what i suggested above, but with him just maintain a business relationship with him and stop flirting and nurturing the attraction.

Answer 2

There are a few missing pieces you leave out of your story to make yourself look better. But you are far from innocent in this matter.

[1] How do you spend weeks and weeks with a guy, and become close friends, and *not* know if he is married or not? Good god I've had women come up to me their first day on the job and say, "Hi. Is that the break room, and are you married?" Come on - you were at the very best in denial over his ring, etc.

[2] Once you "sensed a huge attraction" - again why didn't you inquire about his marital status? Or if he was involved with anyone? "Listen Jim, I really like you. Are you seeing anyone else?" Come on, not asking and clarifying is bullsh*t and you know it. You deliberately did not ask because you probably already knew.

[3] You are hiding your feelings about him from his wife. Stop making decisions for her about what she should and should not know. You are also hiding the fact that he seriously flirts with other women from her. Who died and left you in charge of all the secrets? Speak up - tell her you two are seriously attracted to each other, so she better not ask you for more information about him since you "still want him in a bad way."

So, stop setting yourself up as some saint and angel who just happens to be in the way. He is a cheating scumbag, and if he would cheat *with* you to meet you, he will cheat *on* you to dump you. And you are no better - still wanting a fling with a married man.

Let everyone involved know everything - it's only fair. If you play that way, then when it's your turn to be the cheated-on wife, you won't feel so bad about it.

EDIT: Whenever women say "I can't control who I am attracted to" they are full of sh*t. You knew he was married, yet you pursued a relationship with him, you are sexually attracted to him, and you are deliberately hiding those facts from his wife. Have the courage to tell her everything because you are indeed deciding for her what she gets to know about how you feel about him. That's deceitful and arrogant and I can only hope you get what's coming to you if you have the backbone to tell her. 50 bucks says she sees it differently than you do.

Answer 3

If you're truly a descent woman, you'd walk away inspite of the "attraction" you think you have. You're probably just someone he thinks he's attracted to because 1st you & he are not in a relationship, therefore he doesn't know your faults, nor you his; 2nd should you both act on your "feelings" and say you begin to truly fall for him. . . later you'll likely begin to question if he'd fall for another while you & he are in a relationship; 3rd NEVER, NEVER, NEVER become an accompliss to adultery. . . I assure you that your relationship with him (should one come forth) will Not be a blessed union.

Ps. Haven't you ever been warned against dating a co-worker. like you said, you cannot AVOID him because you're coworkers & if all hell decides to break loose. . .Then what should become of your job. Jobs aren't steady as it is, so why risk your financial status now over a questionable fling that is doomed anyhow. . . If you're looking for FUN seek it else where, because not only will you be set up for failure, he & his wife and all (children) associated will be as well.

Don't be a fool for "feelings," the heart is a deceitful thing!

Answer 4

I'm a married man. If I had a dollar for everytime I heard a woman say "I don't mess with married men" and then messed with a married man. I'd have about 7 or 8 dollars.

The fact that you would even say that means you entertain it and you would do it. Women say this when they are trying to negate the thought. I'm a married man, I know. It's like saying " I don't smoke crack". Why does that have to be verbalized? It doesn't. It goes without saying. If someone said that to you, what would you think?----Yeah, they DO smoke crack.

Whenever a woman tells me "I don't mess with married men", I know I could have her. Because that goes without saying. Or at least it should.

You are wrong. And you know it.

Answer 5

First of all review your feelings for the man in the light of comments and discription of his current wife as you want to take her place in this man's life. Despite your intention of not getting into mess you are doing exactly the same. Though you say that avoiding them is almost impossible doing exactly the same is the best way for you to handle the situation. This will give you a better control over your emotions and you will be in a better position to make a correct decision. Further imagine the level of guilt you will have later, when you are so guilty even today while you are giving neutral and fair advise to this lady.

Answer 6

What kind of ATTRACTION are you sensing from him? SEXUAL TENSION? hahaha come on. Why do women say this, I sense the attraction. So basically you senses that he's horny and so are you?

Do your self a HUGE favor stay away from the MARRIED MAN!

And tell the wife if she really feels that crappy in the relationship you'll be happy to take her left overs! cuz that's the kind of girl you are hahaha! Then see what happens. Tell her look I'm willing to take over where you left off. Does that bother you?
And see what kind of reaction she give. Please get back to me and let me know how it all turns out okay!

toodles and much luck!

Answer 7

When you give her advice, think of the best interests of the two of them. If she's miserable, maybe you might suggest that they seek marital counseling.

Or something else you could do is find out from him how he's feeling about the marriage. (Don't tell him his wife is miserable, but think about his answer when you're giving the wife advice.)

Eventually, it will probably be okay for you to date this guy if they do divorce. But you should allow for a waiting period (at least a year or so).

Answer 8

You may be attracted to him, but does that mean you have lost your ability to see right from wrong. If she is treating him badly, she is treating him badly regardless of how you feel about him. You have your head screwed on properly, you are not going to get involved with a married man, so you are not a stupid woman. If you are giving her the advice you would give anyone, then you shouldnt be feeling guilty...she doesnt know you have feelings for her husband...they are your feelings and you are letting your feelings affect your logical thinking.

As a matter of fact the advice you are giving her is probably a lot kinder than if you didnt have feelings for her husband. If you didnt have feelings for her husband and she said she was unhappy, then, I know if it was me, I would suggest she leave her husband because everyone needs to be happy...you arent saying that because you dont want it to appear you have these feelings. The advice you are giving her is very sensible advice...and certainly not based on your feelings towards this man. If shes unhappy and wants to leave her husband, then tell her she needs to....why waste time being in a marriage that shes unhappy in. Your feelings towards this man has nothing to do with the reasons she wants to leave her marriage....encourage her to leave the marriage, not because you want him, but because its the right thing to do. If the feelings of this man are mutual, then everything this woman is telling you is true....the marriage is doomed....she isnt happy, he obviously isnt happy if he has feelings for you, and Im sure the unhappiness didnt just happen the day you came on the scene....the marriage would have been deteriorating for a lot of years. Dont let your feelings blind you to the truth....she wants to leave...shes not happy....thats not your fault....keep on giving her the advice you are giving her now.....its not bad advice....its logical.

Just take it day by day and see where it heads, and dont feel guilty if the marriage ends because it was going downhill long before you got involved. Try not to think so emotively...you have feelings for this guy, but you havent taken it any further...you are sensible......dont be so hard on yourself.

Answer 9

First off, rein in your hormones, hon. Temptation is always, and everywhere, and you'll be a bed jumper in no time.

Secondly, bail out of the advise column giver with regard to this lady and her spouse. Confess to her that you really don't know how to solve her problems and suggest she seek professional counseling. If that doesn't give her the hint, make the suggestion a tad stronger..... you really don't wish to get involved .... with either of them for any reason whatever..... Looks like a sure recipe for misery, hon.

Answer 10

If your feeling as much guilt as you describe then you need to honest with your friend and tell her how you feel. Under no circumstances should you get involved with your co-worker. i applaud you for having enough sensibility to not act on your attraction to him, but he needs to figure out his problems with his wife before he goes looking for a replacement. the next time his wife starts complaining to you about her marriage, suggest marriage counseling. Even if the marriage is doomed, they will be able to figure it out together with a professional instead of just letting the marriage worsen.