I married with two kids, my wife and I are expecting again. I don't want another child - thoughts/solutions?

Question

Abortion is not an option (wife wouldn't go for it), but I am exceedingly depressed about this situation. I fear for my mental and emotional health, not to mention the stress it will put on my marriage. I'm worried that the feeling on not wanting the child will continue after the birth, and I will resent the child - not exactly responsible parenting. I'm going to give therapy a try, but feel I'm going down the tubes and won't recover. Any words of encouragement would be appreciated. The fears stem not from financial reasons, but my unhappiness will lead to severe depression.

Answer 1

you can always put the child up for adoption, but i wouldnt suggest it. A kid is a gift. I'm sure that once your wife has it, you will love it equally to the other two.

Answer 2

What you should have done was have a vasectomy to prevent more children. With that said, hindsight is always 20/20 but there is no reason why you cannot have it done now. I think counselling is a great option for you. When the child is born then you need to just be a father. You can fake it at first if you have to but do everything in your power to bond yourself with this child and maintain a bond with your other two. Never take it out on the baby and if those feelings do appear then remember that the baby didn't ask to be here let alone concieved.

I also do not suggest adoption in this case. You two are financially sound and having already had two children they will be hurt that you gave up their sibling. If adopted out then the child may grow up to resent you and your other two children.

You are doing the right thing by reaching out and talking about your feelings. Continue to do that. I wish you good luck and hope that you get through this for the benefit of yourself and this unborn child.

Answer 3

By now, you know you should have gotten a vasectomy, if you were so dead against having more children. Since neither of you did anything to prevent future pregnancies, you have to accept what is. At this point in time, I also think therapy may be a good thing, because as the pregnancy progresses, your wife will need you there for her. You may be surprised at how you feel once the baby arrives. I can understand your fears but don't borrow tomorrow's troubles today. Good luck!!!!

Answer 4

I can kind of understand where you are coming from. To tell you my story quickly I had two daughters who's father didn't have much to do with. I then met a man who I thought was WONDERFUL!... family oriented and got along wonderfully with my daughters. We were very, very happy. I quit my great job to stay home and be a wife and mother full time. I then learned that I was pregnant with my 3rd child. I was happy!!! Then one day I was talking with my second daughter and learned that my husband had sexually abused her. That was the last day I saw my now exhusband. So I found myself alone, no job, and pregnant with a child from a man that ruined our lives. As hard as this is to say I began to hate the little innocent being inside of me. I guess I started to blame her for all the financial and emotional problems that existed. And then... I gave birth to her. I immediately fell in love and I don't harbor any anger. Who would have thought? I thought I was going to end up in the hospital for insanity and sure didn't think that I wanted my baby. She is 2 1/2 now and I can't imagine my life without her. Yes it costs a little more with each child you have but for me the third is the least expensive. So far anyway. :) And God really only gives us what we can handle. If I can have a third one on my own with no job, extreme depression and little income then I know you can do it. Everything really does happen for a reason. And you know the funny thing... I thought that having her was going to send me over the edge but what really happened is that my little Alaina saved me and brought me more joy. It was when I had her that I knew everything would be ok. My daughters and I have been able to manage, be happy, and make great memories without out any financial help. Things just tend to have a way of working themselves out. I know you are going to be fine. Think about your wife, your other children and YOU. You are going to benefit from this child. It may not feel like it now but... you will. Just try to focus on the positive things. Your wife is pregnant. She needs your support right now more than ever. I'll pray for you and your family and I'd like to congratulate you on the new addition to your family. Good luck and God bless!

Answer 5

I can relate to your story because my husband chickened out on getting a vasectomy after the birth of our third son. I guess we were not careful enough and I got pregnant with our fourth son. I was totally depressed and resentful and angry. We don't believe in abortion so I new I would have the baby. Well all I can tell you is I thank God almost every day for my youngest son. I love all my sons of course but the youngest one turned out to be my joy. Try to think positively and good luck to you. By the way my husband did get a vasectomy and is happy he did , you might consider having one if you are sure you don't want anymore children.

Answer 6

I understand what you are going through I have 4 kids and my last was pretty much an unexpected surprise. I only planned on having 3 children and when I found out that I was pregnant again I was scared out of my mind, My husband and I had two girls first and so we wanted to have a son and when my first son came I said hey we're done, I even sighed the tubal ligation papers, and when it came time for them to do the procedure my uterus was too swollen and a series of other problems occurred. So after I was well again my doctor told me that they could do the procedure but my husbands paternity leave was up and recovering from surgery and having to care for three young children was impossible without any help. So I opted for the "pills" and during a 2 week vacation I forgot to pack them and you know the rest. I could only blame myself, I couldn't believe it. My husband and I thought about the options and went over them for a couple of days. We went over our financial status and thought about if we could afford another child and we decided that we would have the child. My husband felt the same nervousness that you felt and we just worked through them we got everything in order before my son was born and talked about our fears for the future, and we got through them with help from our families and friends. If the worry is over finances then talk with your spouse about a plan, budgeting, maybe her working until her pregnancy no longer permits and put some earnings in a saving account for the new child, and maybe after short maternity leave your spouse could go back to work, that way you could maintain a second income. And think about cutting some corners like coupons, and buying on sale, shop only at stores like grocery, and clothing that is within your budget. And if you do, cut down on eating out and prepare meals at home. This is how we save money. Just some suggestions. But talk to your spouse about your fears, and work through your issues. and also talk to someone else that could give you great advice on how to get over your fears. Your feelings are totally normal.

Answer 7

Emotionally, 3 is no different than two. The uneasiness you are feeling now may dissolve the moment you lay eyes on that pure angelic face of the newest arrival. Therapy is definitely a good step. It will assist you with answers to all your questions and anxieties. If some of your anxieties concern your wife, you should inform her so that she doesn't become a wreck wondering whats going on with you. Somebody has to remain sane for the children. I wish I had your dilemma. I cannot have children. Good luck.

Answer 8

Boo Hoo. You are an experienced adult. Two kids. Sooooo, you haven't heard of birth control???? Vasectomy is quick and easy. If you didn't want more children, you should have taken steps to ensure that you wouldn't have them. Now, you'll have to deal with another child. Don't bother with the silly drama about stress, and going down the tubes. You failed to take the simple steps to prevent a child, so stop the whiny crap, and take care of your family.

Answer 9

If money does not worry you, then hire a nanny and move her in. Give your wife a chance to have time of her own, and it will pay back in dividends for you. Or, bring your mom or mother in law for an extended stay. Give your wife a break, and let her catch up on her rest. Having an extra pair of able hands around the house will lift everyone's spirits. You will get through this.

Answer 10

As-Salaam Aliakum i don't know of your religon but it sounds like mine . abortion is WORNG and i should know i hand one .
It nearly killed me , not say i wanted more children after that it took me eight years to heal from the infection .
I now have ten 10 childern and I have never worried one day for fear of feeding or clothing them . Allah said this in the Holy Quran Don't kill you children for fear of poverty for he will provide all you need to do is pray . and belive .
This child may bring to you all the smiles you are missing in your life get as involved in bringing him/her into the world . As you did making him/her thats why it is called love making.
Buy baby thing that you like and make this new life a welcome not a threat look and the golry of God , he has the food already on the table when you arive . Thats is whay we never leave the breast of the woman.

Answer 11

OK!!! Lets think of your wifes emotional state! Sounds a little selfish to me. Your wife is the one losing her body AGAIN. Feedings diapers etc. I have 3 kids, you deal with it! Talk to your wife. This a real situation and needs to be discussed. It is a child. A precious little baby. Is it really soo bad?