Abusive husband in counseling. Should I leave?

Question

Husband is abusive & possibly bipolar. Has low self-esteem. We're trying counseling. I don't think he'll change, only get better for a while, or will change but it will take so long, & I have already been through so much for so long. He asked if he should move out & I said yes. The next day, he changed his mind. If I leave & take our daughter with, will that look bad in the court's eyes because I'm taking her out of her home? I feel so guilty & like I'm giving up. Should I trust my guilt or my feeling that things won't change or will take too long? I think I'm only staying because I feel sorry for him. If I never had to deal with him again, I would just leave but, because of our daughter, I will have to continue to deal with him. I also heard most abusive man don't quit, only stop for a while. I've wanted to leave for at least 3 years. I haven't had the guts, or he talks me into coming back. He's depressed & talks about suicide. I'm afraid my leaving will trigger an attempt.

Answer 1

I would like to clarify first something. Is your husband abusive due to his bipolar condition? I know bipolar may be the reason for the abuse. In which case, there are more chances for your husband to stop. bi-polar is a condition that can be treated. In case,your husband is abusive whether he is bipolar or not, then it is different:

this is such a difficult situation and all I can tell you is what i think i would do in your situation (and based on what you wrote above). I do not hold any answer. this is feedback only: i agree: Most abusive men and women don't stop the abuse unless their spouse leaves them. Some do stop but only with long and serious counseling, therapy,... I understand the hesitation. In a complete different context, I too had to choose between staying and leaving someone who was abusive. I finally left (should have left sooner but did not have the courage. in love was my excuse). If I were in your situation, I think I would try to at least get separated for a while. to allow my husband to do what he has to do with therapy... and else. while protecting my daughter and I from any possible danger. I would try to get involved in his treatment like maybe couple or family therapy if I decide that I do want to make our relationship work and that there might still be a chance. But then again, I might be at some point in my life where I realise I must accept the things I cannot change and must have the courage to change the things I can. You will not change your husband as you know. He is the only adequate person to do so. i wish you all the best in what you are deciding to do.

Answer 2

Honey..you have really already answered your own question and you know what you need to do.You do need to leave him for the sake of your daughter's and your own safety.You know in your heart that your husband has problems that you are not capeable of dealing with any longer.The court's will not look down on you because you are doing what is in the best interest of your daughter.Your daughter deserves a stable home life and obviously you cannot provide that for her staying in a home with your husband and his problems.Get out now before he becomes violent with your daughter or before he becomes emotional abusive towards your daughter.You need to leave now and file for divorce immediately.Be strong and don't let him talk you into staying.If he were to commit suicide that would NOT in any way be your fault he is a sick person and he is unstable so anything could set him off and you and your daughter do not need to be around for it..Good Luck to you..

Answer 3

I'm going through a VERY similar situation. My husband just left us (this is the 3rd time since our daughter was born.) I've always taken him back, this time I finally said no unless you stay on your meds and get counseling. He refused both, so it's over. We also have a daughter, and I understand the guilt. I now worry that he is going to hurt himself and us, but I will tell you the same thing my friends have been telling me- You have to take care of yourself and your daughter. I put up with this kind of depressive/bipolar behavior for seven years, and things would always get better for a little while, then go back to what they were before. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. No one deserves to be abused. Get a lawyer, find a safe place to stay, and get into counseling. You can't take care of your daughter if he does something to you, and you have to be strong. *hugs* Good luck to you.

Answer 4

You need to take your child and leave. The thing with an abusive relationship is that it goes in cycles....it's bad, then gets better and then goes back to the bad. It never ends. He will keep trying to pull you back, but you will have to be strong and just leave. Let me ask you this....do you really want your daughter in that type of relationship when she gets older? By you staying, you are telling her and showing her that it is alright for a guy to hit/ abuse a woman. It's not alright! I have been in that type of relationship....I left with the two kids and the clothes on my back. It was hard, but I did it. I know you can do it too. And yes, he my tell you he is going to try suicide....he needs help (and you are not the one that can do that). I am sorry, and I know it is hard, but you really should leave. No matter what he says, you need to leave...take the baby and leave.

Answer 5

You already know what you should do.You will feel guilty and wonder the what ifs for a while, but now is the time to get out of that situation.You should leave.Go with your feelings on this.If you stay and he continues to abuse you and you just let it happen this is teaching your daughter something.If you don't leave and she continues to see this behavior she may let her self be abused by people in the future because she will not know how to get out of that situation.So even if he never lays a hand on her someone else may and she won't know how to leave that situation.You are worth so much more than this and you deserve so much better.So leave for yourself and your daughter.I am not saying he can't or won't change but this kind of change won't happen over night.If he is going to change it won't happen u nt il he is ready. good luck and e-mail me on here anytime if you want advice.good luck
be strong!
It is also common that he may act like he is better and truly sorry.Don't be fooled.Show your daughter you are both worth so much more.

Answer 6

Your daughters and your safety is your one and only concern!!
LEAVE NOW, before the 2 of you become statistic, I know it is hard but in the long run it will be best for you both.

Unfortunately the cops are usually there to clean up what is left of you and your daughter. GO LIKE THE WIND! and get an immediate restraining order first thing Monday Morning at your local courthouse, it is easy, you do not need a lawyer and if the clerks are as helpful as they are here in FL, they will make it easy, they understand you are scared and trying to do the best thing. I can be e-mailed directly if you want more info. Good Luck and take care of you and your daughter

Answer 7

Bipolar is a treatable illness. Treating it will help him stop the abuse.

You could just pack up and leave. Don't worry about that vow before God to stay with him in sickness and in health. I'm sure if you were going through cancer you'd be just as understanding about him dumping you as you want him to be about you taking his child and marriage away from him while he's pursuing treatment.

I can't tell you what to do. Personally, I think you could find another occupancy temporarily while he gets some treatment. Once he's had counseling and medication, you might find that he's the husband you hoped for.

Answer 8

You better make sure he doesnt have access to any firearms and hurt you or your daughter especially if he is bipolar. Yes of course you should leave. You are setting your daughter up to totally fail in life. If she finds an abuser like you did you can look at yourself in the mirror and realize you helped her along the way by not getting out. You are a fool. Especially since you have a daughter show her you have some guts and get the heck out while she hasnt been totally damaged. There is no excuse and there is no help for this man. Get out.

Answer 9

I'm sorry you're going through this. But honestly, he isn't likely to change...even with counseling. Counseling is a temporary band-aid for a problem that cannot be cured, in my opinion. Things might get better for a while, but his true colors will ALWAYS come out again. He will always be abusive, and it will always get worse.

You are absolutely right to remove your child from the situation. Don't give him the opportunity to start taking his personal issues out on your child. People like him only need other people in their life for one reason - to be their physical and emotional punching bag. You have already been that punching bag for him, and your child is next in line. Trust me, I have spent years with a person like this and I'm telling you point blank, it will never change. NEVER.

Get out of there and give yourself and your child a chance to have a happy, normal life.

Answer 10

it will not look bad if you leave. If you are fearful then leave. If he does attempt suicide you can not save him. You have done your best but he needs to continue the professional help and you need to heal yourself and take care of your child
It is true that the pattern of abuse is hard to break possible but hard.
May god bless you it is a very hard road you are walking




Don;t listen to those you call you a fool. Your self esteem has been damaged you never meant to fall for an abuser and you are not a fool. Take care of yourself and seek help from those you love you. You will heal and you will be ok. YOU have done nothing wrong