Is it true that patterns of behaviour learned whilst growing up can haunt you through you life???

Question

My mother has always taken her anger and bitterness out on me cos my dad left left us when I was 5. She was and is a cold, hard woman who showed me very little love and affection as I grew up, still doesn't. Well, I'm now 42, have had 4 serious relationships, the last one ending recently but I seem to keep behaving in the same way, when the going is good in a relationship, I push my partner away cos I need them to constantly reassure me that they love me, then when they get tired of being hurt by me, and leave,I'm heartbroken. I had truly found my soulmate in my last partner, and there may be a small chance that in time we could give it another chance, but I don't think I know how love properly.I tried to explain but the words are hard to find. I don't think I deserve to be loved cos my mother spent years telling me that I didn't deserve love.It's a horrible cycle, and I can't take the pain anymore. I want to uproot,move To Cornwall, find peace in my surroundings. What else can I do

Answer 1

I can't trust other people because of my parents. But I have also never had any relationships. Maybe you can work yourself out of it, as you have.

Answer 2

Hi there pet,

I am really sorry to hear that your mother treated you like that, she had no right to take her pain and anger out on you and she did teach you some bad examples of how to deal with things...but you have to remember one thing...you are not your mother...you do have the capacity to love and be loved...and you know what your doing isn't right at times and can admit it...that's a great thing!! I think you need to speak to a counsellor and get all this pain and hurt out in the open and work through it so that you can come out the other side. I know your probably thinking 1. that you don't want to and that counselling is only for mentally ill people 2. that talking won't make that any better, especially when your finding vocalising your feelings.....but honestly it will help, your counsellor will find ways of making you open up, will rebuild your confidence and hopefully help you find the peace within yourself, because your going to have to find that first...moving away won't stop the pain or give you peace because you can't run from yourself. If you still love your last partner, do it for him and get some help...tell him what you told us and perhaps he could offer you some extra support...you deserve to be helped..it doesn't make you any less of a person, infact it makes you a stronger one to face the problem.

Best of luck xxx

Answer 3

Moving to Cornwall will not change what's in your heart and soul, but it might provide you with a "fresh" start. To answer your original question, yes it is absolutely true that patterns of learned behavior can adversely affect us throughout our lives. However, it doesn't HAVE to be this way. You are actually a step ahead of a lot of people in your situation. Why? Because you recognize your "emotional baggage" for what it is. You can link it back to your childhood and the situation with your mom. You're on the right track! If you can acknowledge it, you can change or work on it. This last person in your life that you might still have a chance with, have you shared your thoughts with him? Does he understand the reason that you behave as you do? If so, that's another plus. Just keep working on yourself and don't blame others for the pain in your heart. Join a support group or seek therapy if you think it's needed. And remember, you spent years and years growing up with this pain. You can't "undo" it overnight. It will take years to get to a place where you are happy and peaceful with yourself and with others. Don't be so hard on yourself. Self-realization is the beginning of the healing process if you are determined to make it happen. My sincere best wishes to you. I am fighting with some "demons" of my own and I know how you feel. Never give up and God bless you.
Peace,
Journey

Answer 4

Are you sure you're not talking about me.... My mothers behaviour was so similar, but my wonderful dad was around. We learn our behaviour from our parents, at least you know why you are like you are, the trouble is trying to change, you can with help and support. Thankfully I am aware of how I was treated as a child and how it has affected me, so I am not passing it on to my kids. So in a way I have broken the cycle. I hope you find what you need to make you happy and can deal with the demons you carry. Good Luck with your new life/fresh start in Cornwall, you can leave all your emotional baggage behind and start again and make a life that you want.

Answer 5

It sounds to me that you picked up emotionally abusing yourself where your mother left off. I am sorry to hear about how terribly your childhood affected you. I had a similar situation, but have broken the pattern and have been happily married for several years. I believe in you, and believe that you can break the pattern, too. You already recognize the pattern, and a lot of people never get to that step. I can tell you from experience, that you will not be able to accept love from others (or be secure in that love) until you learn to love yourself. Try to catch yourself next time you engage in the negative thought patterns. Try to make a list of things you like about yourself. Whenever you do something you feel good about, give yourself some sort of reward, even if the reward is just allowing you to take a few minutes to feel good about your accomplishment. Surround yourself with positive people who will help build you back up. Having supportive, positive reciprocal friendships with others will help you gently pull down the walls you put up in relationships and hopefully make it easier to trust as well as help build your self worth. If you work on you, and making yourself feel whole and complete, the relationship problem will be much easier to deal with.

Answer 6

As hard as you tried, you didn't get the real attachment from your mother. You put a dollar into the machine, and it never gave you the reward of a cola. Never. But you kept putting it in. The machine is, and was, broken; it can't give. Your new partners are not, and humanly unable to be, responsible to fix that machine, even though your emotional demands scream to them to NEVER allow you to feel unloved. You are clearly seeing the emotional problem, and how it hurt your recent partner and yourself. You are very ripe and prepared for good sustained therapy for yourself addressing the original injury and the displacement of the same into your present life and the unrealistic expectations placed on others. You must do your inner work, for the problem will travel with you to Cornwall, London, Wales, Shanghai, Malibu or any cabin in the woods.

Answer 7

I think it tells a lot about yourself that you recognize this possible pattern in your life. Obviously you are very in touch with your emotions. You absolutely do learn behavior as a child from those around you. I'm with the other answers, though, and think you could benefit from therapy. You recognize the problem, which is the first step, but it is now time to take it to the next step and remedy the behavior. Good luck... and know, you deserve to be loved. Just keep telling yourself that. Everyone deserves love.

Answer 8

It is absolutely true but since you understand it you have the power to change it. I also felt that my parents never showed me love because they were too busy fighting. I blamed them for the way I feel, for things they should have done for me, should have taught me. Then it hit me - they didn't hurt me on purpose, they just didn't know any better, they were unhappy themselves. Then I was able to forgive them and a huge burden was taken of my shoulders.
I started reading self help books that gave me knowledge and power to change my own feelings. First you have to realize that you are worth loving, the proof is in the fact that you had men in your life who loved you. Please don't run away from your soulmate, they are really hard to find. You managed to find words to express your problem to yahoo community and people understood you. So should your soulmate, If you can't express what you feel verbally, write him a letter. Explain what you feel, tell him that you need his help to change. When there a will there's a way. Don't give up. Good luck :-).

Answer 9

Hi there lovely everyone deserves to be loved. If you really think you found your soul mate dont move because youll miss him forever. but if he found someone else and doesnt acknowledge your exsitence anymore it may be a good idea. By the sounds of it you already know your problems so key is to catch them before they happen and dont do them this takes pratice trust me. Throw some trust out to whom you decide Problem is this can hurt. But will let you know who you can trust and confide in. And pushing for thier love makes you seem desperate and undesiring. Id do something to work on that confidence you have and us it and have fun is the biggest key if you want a man wear a smile on your face and you have to have trust.

Answer 10

I believe you're right to a degree. Patterns of behavior are learned, but you CAN recognize them and work toward establishing new patterns. You may have heard this before, but the bible can help you do this. On the subject of love there is no better source of information and inspiration than the bible. The apostle Paul stated that we must "strip off the old personality and put on the new", so it CAN be done. If someone comes to you and offers to study the bible with you, why not take them up on it? You won't be disappointed, I promise!

Answer 11

According to Freud, your childhood has a huge impact on your personality. Since it's impossible to change your childhood, you simply need to deal with these issues and find ways to manage your behavior. Perhaps you are displacing your own anger (like she was) onto someone you don't see as threatening (your romantic interest). One of the ways to solve this is by confronting your mother about how she treated you. I doubt there is a way to change the years of cold feelings between you, but just confronting her about it will make you feel a lot better.