“Estefu nian kara Veera Argwene…”
The cool voice of Vono echoed throughout the temple, and Maldin snapped out of his reverie. It was starting to get dark, but the people gathered inside the temple did not even notice this. All eyes were on the lone figure lying on the cold altar.
“…mie zwellsal akinya saumied…”
He lifted his gaze and took one last look at the pale face of the woman on the cold stone. The last rays of light crept over her face, to the beautiful face, the long dark hair. His chest tightened as he realized, for the first time since her death yesterday, that he would never see her again. That despite all, she’s leaving them, him behind.
“…dreke nian shrisa kuri…”
Karakus, priest of fire, stepped forward and raised his arms in silent prayer. At once, white flames erupted from the sides of the altar. The Fire of Gewandel, Goddess of Death.
“…estefu nian kara…Veera Argwene…”
He watched in silent agony as the white flames slowly engulfed her body. He closed his eyes, not wanting to see. When he opened them, her body was gone and the flames are starting to disappear. It’s over. She’s gone. Estefu nian kara, Veera Argwene…Farewell to thee Lady Argwene, priestess of the waters in Nimaea, and the only woman he’d ever loved.
2007-03-08 22:59:43 · 5 answers · asked by Samarah 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
Don't mind the incomprehensible words... the story is a fantasy, so i created my own language, but they do mean something...
2007-03-08 23:02:02 · update #1
the incomprehensible words have their own meanings... the story is a fantasy, so i created my own language
2007-03-08 23:02:36 · update #2
Hey I like the words I don't understand, it adds character. I am interested. Hope to see it in print!
2007-03-08 23:14:36 · answer #1 · answered by Celeste P 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Not bad. It should begin with a hook and using a made-up language is certainly a unique hook. Tighten it up a bit and you're doing very well.
May I suggest you try to find a local or online critique group rather than post your writing here at Yahoo!Answers? You'd be far more likely to receive constructive criticism and less false praise. Good luck!
2007-03-09 01:09:44 · answer #2 · answered by §Sally§ 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Actually, I kinda like this. It is written fairly well and it sounds like the story would be good, I like fantasy though. I do think that it needs to be a little more detailed, especially his emotions. It just seems a little fague. Its a good start though!
2007-03-08 23:13:26 · answer #3 · answered by Sara R 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It would make a good prologue, but you need to fix those wandering tenses. It slips from past to present and back again more than once.
2007-03-08 23:08:54 · answer #4 · answered by sallyotas 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
That's pretty good! Keep writing!!
2007-03-08 23:10:24 · answer #5 · answered by Hermione_Weasley11 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋