how do u deal with a death of a close friend ?

Question

HOW DO U DEAL WITH A DEATH OF A CLOSE FRIEND. I'M ONLY A TEEN. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO! SO PLZ HELP ME, AND TELL ME SOME STORIES OF YOUR LOST ONES.

Answer 1

Its hard to cope with a person who was once so close to you that had past away. my grandfather was like my best friend and when he died i broke down and he died 3 days before my 11th birthday. it was a terrible lose. There isnt much you can do just hold on and remember all the good times you and your friend had. and just know they are in a better place now.

Answer 2

3 guys died in car accident almost two years ago and one of them was my favourite, even though the two others were cool, it was very difficult, a very difficult time going through. At first, I felt numb, frozen, like I couldn't believe it. Then I cried. I'd cry a lot then with time, it heals, but I can never even forget about them. There are memories to remince (sp?). One was 16, two were 17.

Then a few months later, I lost a friend who I consider a true one -- It hit me hard, because it seemed too much for me to handle with already 3 dead from the car accident. I only attended this one's funeral since it was local. The 3's funerals were in another country and I didn't have any money to fly back. I spoke at the funeral, yes, I made the speech and let the audience know.

It took time. Yes, there would be crying, since of course, it's too painful and you don't know what to do, and it's like being at the worst.

Since then, one guy was only 16 who drowned last year, and this year, a 17-years-old one died in a car accident, and he was a really nice, sweet guy. I felt sorry and sad, but I didn't really cry, maybe with time and experience, things became easier, I don't know.

Hope this helps.

Answer 3

hello ..so sorry ... when you lose a close friend first know that it is OK and quite normal to grieve ....you may also experience sadness, anger , irritability , even guilt...crying off and on ........these are also normal ...........it can create some physical ailments as headaches, backaches , chest pains, and dizziness......I am trying to tell you what you may expect .......... now the hard part you may feel helpless and the loss is one of the worst you will ever feel ... so allow yourself to mourn , to grieve , and then remember that you had this wonderful person in your life even if it was just briefly ....... know that they would want only the best for you and in time you will not forget but you will be able to cope ....with their blessing ........ I myself have gone through this a few times and it never gets easier ... I wish you well.........

Answer 4

well i lost a very close friend when i was 19 but i can tell you loosing a friend is just as bad as loosing a family member ... myself i just remember the good times we had when they were here with me and i think that they are in a better place now that there is no hurt or pain anymore all i can say is think of all the good times and try your hardest to move on with the memory's that you have with them good luck and sorry about what you lost

Answer 5

Sorry for your loss...it is a very hard thing to go through, just remember the good times you had and how the person touched your life, yes you will be sad but happy in time that this person was a part of your life. Talk to grief counselors if you can and pray, know Jesus is always with you.

Answer 6

There is really no right answer, it just takes time. Just remember that your friend is in a good place now and at peace. I know it is hard and hurts bad, but you will get through. I have lost several friends and I lost my mother when I was 16. I thought I would die myself from heartbreak, but here I am still alive and well. Just hang in there.

Answer 7

Sorry to hear about your loss. I know that this is a hard time for you right now, I would recommend that you give yourself time to grieve and cry, yes it's ok to cry!!! It also very important that you have someone to talk to so if you have a family member or a friend you can talk to about how you feel, otherwise you could seek counseling.

Answer 8

If you are a Christian and so is your friend than you'll know that you will see them again very soon. Life is only a sliver in comparison to eternity. It's not a long wait. If your not a Christian than You should hope your friend was and accept Jesus now. Then, you're assured that you'll live forever and your friend will be right there with you. God bless, my friend. =]

Answer 9

You wait . SOMTIMES alonger than others , you wait until you are ready for acceptance. I have lost one person in my life my dad and i was so mad ,sad i felt broken inside . he was a crio man that raised 3 children not of his blood untill they were adults. and loved us unconditionaly. and he played the blues all growing up. anyways it took me agood 3 years to feel mysef again. The 1st year i know i cried everyday almost the 2nd i surouned myself with his pics. and his memories the 3rd i lletted go now when his birthday passes each year i smile.........

Answer 10

--I am sorry for your loss, it is not something easy to deal with, but information from this brochure based on the Bible might be very helpful:

**Is It Normal to Feel This Way? ***

A BEREAVED person writes: “As a child in England, I was taught not to express my feelings in public. I can remember my father, an ex-military man, saying to me through clenched teeth, ‘Don’t you cry!’ when something had caused me pain. I cannot recall whether my mother ever kissed or hugged any of us kids (there were four of us). I was 56 when I saw my father die. I felt a tremendous loss. Yet, at first, I was unable to weep.”

In some cultures, people express their feelings openly. Whether they are happy or sad, others know how they feel. On the other hand, in some parts of the world, notably in northern Europe and Britain, people, especially men, have been conditioned to hide their feelings, to suppress their emotions, to keep a stiff upper lip and not wear their hearts on their sleeves. But when you have suffered the loss of a dear one, is it somehow wrong to express your grief? What does the Bible say?

Those Who Wept in the Bible

The Bible was written by Hebrews of the eastern Mediterranean region, who were expressive people. It contains many examples of individuals who openly showed their grief. King David mourned the loss of his murdered son Amnon. In fact, he “wept with a very great weeping.” (2 Samuel 13:28-39) He even grieved at the loss of his treacherous son Absalom, who had tried to usurp the kingship. The Bible account tells us: “Then [David] the king became disturbed and went up to the roof chamber over the gateway and gave way to weeping; and this is what he said as he walked: ‘My son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! O that I might have died, I myself, instead of you, Absalom my son, my son!’” (2 Samuel 18:33) David mourned like any normal father. And how many times have parents wished they could have died in place of their children! It seems so unnatural for a child to die before a parent.

How did Jesus react to the death of his friend Lazarus? He wept on nearing his tomb. (John 11:30-38) Later, Mary Magdalene wept as she neared Jesus’ sepulcher. (John 20:11-16) True, a Christian with an understanding of the Bible’s resurrection hope does not grieve inconsolably, as some do who do not have a clear Bible basis for their beliefs regarding the condition of the dead. But as a human with normal feelings, the true Christian, even with the hope of the resurrection, does grieve and does mourn the loss of any loved one.—1 Thessalonians 4:13, 14.

To Weep or Not to Weep

What about our reactions today? Do you find it difficult or embarrassing to show your feelings? What do counselors recommend? Their modern views often merely echo the Bible’s ancient inspired wisdom. They say that we should express our grief, not repress it. This reminds us of faithful men of old, such as Job, David, and Jeremiah, whose expressions of grief are found in the Bible. They certainly did not bottle up their feelings. Therefore, it is not wise to cut yourself off from people. (Proverbs 18:1) Of course, mourning is expressed in different ways in different cultures, also depending on the prevalent religious beliefs.

What if you feel like weeping? It is part of human nature to weep. Recall again the occasion of Lazarus’ death, when Jesus “groaned in the spirit and . . . gave way to tears.” (John 11:33, 35) He thus showed that weeping is a normal reaction to the death of a loved one.

This is supported by the case of a mother, Anne, who had lost her baby Rachel to SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). Her husband commented: “The surprising thing was that neither Anne nor I cried at the funeral. Everyone else was weeping.” To this, Anne responded: “Yes, but I have done plenty of crying for both of us. I think it really hit me a few weeks after the tragedy, when I was finally alone one day in the house. I cried all day long. But I believe it helped me. I felt better for it. I had to mourn the loss of my baby. I really do believe that you should let grieving people weep. Although it is a natural reaction for others to say, ‘Don’t cry,’ that doesn’t really help.”

How Some React

How have some reacted when desolated by the loss of a loved one? For example, consider Juanita. She knows how it feels to lose a baby. She had had five miscarriages. Now she was pregnant again. So when a car accident forced her to be hospitalized, she was understandably worried. Two weeks later she went into labor—prematurely. Shortly afterward little Vanessa was born—weighing just over two pounds [0.9 kg]. “I was so excited,” Juanita recalls. “I was finally a mother!”

But her happiness was short-lived. Four days later Vanessa died. Recalls Juanita: “I felt so empty. My motherhood was taken away from me. I felt incomplete. It was painful to come home to the room we had prepared for Vanessa and to look at the little undershirts I had bought for her. For the next couple of months, I relived the day of her birth. I didn’t want to have anything to do with anyone.”

An extreme reaction? It may be hard for others to understand, but those who, like Juanita, have gone through it explain that they grieved for their baby just as they would for someone who had lived for some time. Long before a child is born, they say, it is loved by its parents. There is a special bonding with the mother. When that baby dies, the mother feels that a real person has been lost. And that is what others need to understand.

How Anger and Guilt Can Affect You

Another mother expressed her feelings when told that her six-year-old son had suddenly died because of a congenital heart problem. “I went through a series of reactions—numbness, disbelief, guilt, and anger toward my husband and the doctor for not realizing how serious his condition was.”

Anger can be another symptom of grief. It may be anger at doctors and nurses, feeling that they should have done more in caring for the deceased. Or it may be anger at friends and relatives who, it seems, say or do the wrong thing. Some get angry at the departed one for neglecting his health. Stella recalls: “I remember being angry with my husband because I knew it could have been different. He had been very sick, but he had ignored the doctors’ warnings.” And sometimes there is anger at the departed one because of the burdens that his or her death brings upon the survivor.

Some feel guilty because of anger—that is, they may condemn themselves because they feel angry. Others blame themselves for their loved one’s death. “He wouldn’t have died,” they convince themselves, “if only I had made him go to the doctor sooner” or “made him see another doctor” or “made him take better care of his health.”

For others the guilt goes beyond that, especially if their loved one died suddenly, unexpectedly. They start recalling the times when they had become angry at the departed one or had argued with him. Or they may feel that they were not really all that they should have been to the deceased.

The long grieving process of many mothers supports what many experts say, that the loss of a child leaves a permanent gap in the life of the parents, particularly the mother.

When You Lose a Spouse

The loss of a marriage partner is another kind of trauma, especially if both led a very active life together. It can mean the end of a whole life-style that they shared, of travel, work, entertainment, and interdependence.

Eunice explains what happened when her husband suddenly died of a heart attack. “For the first week, I was in a state of emotional numbness, as if I had stopped functioning. I could not even taste or smell. Yet, my sense of logic continued in a detached way. Because I had been with my husband while they were trying to stabilize him using CPR and medication, I did not suffer the usual denial symptoms. Nevertheless, there was an intense feeling of frustration, as if I was watching a car go over a cliff and there was nothing I could do about it.”

Did she weep? “Of course I did, especially when I read the hundreds of sympathy cards I had received. I cried with each one. It helped me to face up to the rest of the day. But nothing could help when I was asked repeatedly how I felt. Obviously, I was miserable.”

What helped Eunice to live through her grief? “Without realizing it, I unconsciously made the decision to go on with my life,” she says. “However, what still hurts me is when I remember that my husband, who loved life so much, is not here to enjoy it.”

“Don’t Let Others Dictate . . .”

The authors of Leavetaking—When and How to Say Goodbye advise: “Don’t let others dictate how you should act or feel. The grieving process works differently with everyone. Others may think—and let you know that they think—you are grieving too much or not grieving enough. Forgive them and forget about it. By trying to force yourself into a mold created by others or by society as a whole, you stunt your growth toward restored emotional health.”

Of course, different people handle their grief in different ways. We are not trying to suggest that one way is necessarily better than another for every person. However, danger arises when stagnation sets in, when the grief-stricken person is unable to become reconciled to the reality of the situation. Then help might be needed from compassionate friends. The Bible says: “A true companion is loving all the time, and is a brother that is born for when there is distress.” So do not be afraid to seek help, to talk, and to weep.—Proverbs 17:17.

Grief is a normal reaction to loss, and it is not wrong for your grief to be obvious to others. But further questions need answers: ‘How can I live with my grief? Is it normal to experience feelings of guilt and anger? How should I deal with these reactions? What can help me to endure the loss and the grief?’ The next section will answer those and other questions.

[Footnote]

For example, the Yoruba people of Nigeria have a traditional belief in the reincarnation of the soul. So when a mother loses a child, there is intense grief but only for a short period, for as a Yoruba refrain says: “It is the water that is spilled. The calabash is not broken.” According to the Yoruba, this means that the water-bearing calabash, the mother, can bear another child—perhaps a reincarnation of the dead one. Jehovah’s Witnesses do not follow any traditions based on superstitions that spring from the false ideas of the immortal soul and reincarnation, which have no basis in the Bible.—Ecclesiastes 9:5, 10; Ezekiel 18:4, 20.
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HOW CAN I LIVE WITH MY GRIEF?

“I FELT a lot of pressure on me to hold in my feelings,” explains Mike in recalling his father’s death. To Mike, suppressing his grief was the manly thing to do. Yet he later realized that he was wrong. So when Mike’s friend lost his grandfather, Mike knew what to do. He says: “A couple of years ago, I would have patted him on the shoulder and said, ‘Be a man.’ Now I touched his arm and said, ‘Feel however you have to feel. It will help you to deal with it. If you want me to go, I’ll go. If you want me to stay, I’ll stay. But don’t be afraid to feel.’”

MaryAnne also felt pressure to hold in her feelings when her husband died. “I was so worried about being a good example to others,” she recalls, “that I did not permit myself the normal feelings. But I eventually learned that trying to be a pillar of strength for others wasn’t helping me. I began analyzing my situation and saying, ‘Cry if you have to cry. Don’t try to be too strong. Get it out of your system.’”

So both Mike and MaryAnne recommend: Let yourself grieve! And they are correct. Why? Because grieving is a necessary emotional release. Releasing your feelings can relieve the pressure you are under. The natural expression of emotions, if coupled with understanding and accurate information, lets you put your feelings in proper perspective.

Of course, not everyone expresses grief in the same way. And such factors as whether the loved one died suddenly or death came after a long illness might have a bearing on the emotional reaction of the survivors. But one thing appears certain: Repressing your feelings can be harmful both physically and emotionally. It is far healthier to release your grief. How? The Scriptures contain some practical advice.

Releasing Grief—How?

Talking can be a helpful release. Following the death of all ten of his children, as well as some other personal tragedies, the ancient patriarch Job said: “My soul certainly feels a loathing toward my life. I will give vent to [Hebrew, “loose”] my concern about myself. I will speak in the bitterness of my soul!” (Job 1:2, 18, 19; 10:1) Job could no longer restrain his concern. He needed to let it loose; he had to “speak.” Similarly, the English dramatist Shakespeare wrote in Macbeth: “Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break.”

So talking about your feelings to “a true companion” who will listen patiently and sympathetically can bring a measure of relief. (Proverbs 17:17) Putting experiences and feelings into words often makes it easier to understand them and to deal with them. And if the listener is another bereaved person who has effectively dealt with his or her own loss, you may be able to glean some practical suggestions on how you can cope. When her child died, one mother explained why it helped to talk to another woman who had faced a similar loss: “To know that somebody else had gone through the same thing, had come out whole from it, and that she was still surviving and finding some sort of order in her life again was very strengthening to me.”

What if you are not comfortable talking about your feelings? Following the death of Saul and Jonathan, David composed a highly emotional dirge in which he poured out his grief. This mournful composition eventually became part of the written record of the Bible book of Second Samuel. (2 Samuel 1:17-27; 2 Chronicles 35:25) Similarly, some find it easier to express themselves in writing. One widow reported that she would write down her feelings and then days later read over what she had written. She found this a helpful release.

Whether by talking or writing, communicating your feelings can help you to release your grief. It can also help to clear up misunderstandings. A bereaved mother explains: “My husband and I heard of other couples that got divorced after losing a child, and we didn’t want that to happen to us. So any time we felt angry, wanting to blame each other, we would talk it out. I think we really grew closer together by doing that.” Thus, letting your feelings be known can help you to understand that even though you may be sharing the same loss, others may grieve differently—at their own pace and in their own way.

Something else that can facilitate the release of grief is crying. There is “a time to weep,” says the Bible. (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4) Surely the death of someone we love brings on such a time. Shedding tears of grief appears to be a necessary part of the healing process.

One young woman explains how a close friend helped her to cope when her mother died. She recalls: “My friend was always there for me. She cried with me. She talked with me. I could just be so open with my emotions, and that was important to me. I didn’t have to be embarrassed about crying.” (See Romans 12:15.) Nor should you feel ashamed of your tears. As we have seen, the Bible is filled with examples of men and women of faith—including Jesus Christ—who openly shed tears of grief without any apparent embarrassment.—Genesis 50:3; 2 Samuel 1:11, 12; John 11:33, 35.

You may find that for a time your emotions will be somewhat unpredictable. Tears may flow without much advance warning. One widow found that supermarket shopping (something she had often done with her husband) could reduce her to tears, especially when, out of habit, she reached for items that had been her husband’s favorites. Be patient with yourself. And do not feel that you have to hold back the tears. Remember, they are a natural and necessary part of grieving.

Dealing With Guilt

As noted previously, some have feelings of guilt after losing a loved one in death. This may help to explain the acute grief of the faithful man Jacob when he was led to believe that his son Joseph had been killed by “a vicious wild beast.” Jacob himself had sent Joseph out to check on the welfare of his brothers. So Jacob was likely plagued with guilt feelings, such as ‘Why did I send Joseph out alone? Why did I send him out into an area abounding with wild beasts?’—Genesis 37:33-35.

Perhaps you feel that some neglect on your part contributed to your loved one’s death. Realizing that guilt—real or imagined—is a normal grief reaction can be helpful in itself. Here again, do not necessarily keep such feelings to yourself. Talking about how guilty you feel can provide a much needed release.

Realize, though, that no matter how much we love another person, we cannot control his or her life, nor can we prevent “time and unforeseen occurrence” from befalling those we love. (Ecclesiastes 9:11) Besides, no doubt your motives were not bad. For example, in not making a doctor’s appointment sooner, did you intend for your loved one to get sick and die? Of course not! Then are you really guilty of causing that one’s death? No.

One mother learned to deal with the guilt after her daughter died in a car accident. She explains: “I felt guilty that I had sent her out. But I came to realize that it was ridiculous to feel that way. There was nothing wrong with sending her with her father to run an errand. It was just a terrible accident.”

‘But there are so many things I wish I had said or done,’ you may say. True, but who of us can say that we have been the perfect father, mother, or child? The Bible reminds us: “We all stumble many times. If anyone does not stumble in word, this one is a perfect man.” (James 3:2; Romans 5:12) So accept the fact that you are not perfect. Dwelling upon all kinds of “if onlys” will not change anything, but it may slow down your recovery.

If you have sound reasons to believe that your guilt is real, not imagined, then consider the most important factor of all in allaying guilt—God’s forgiveness. The Bible assures us: “If errors were what you watch, O Jah, O Jehovah, who could stand? For there is the true forgiveness with you.” (Psalm 130:3, 4) You cannot return to the past and change anything. You can, though, beg God’s forgiveness for past mistakes. Then what? Well, if God promises to wipe the slate clean, should you not also forgive yourself?—Proverbs 28:13; 1 John 1:9.

Dealing With Anger

Do you also feel rather angry, perhaps at doctors, nurses, friends, or even the one who died? Realize that this too is a common reaction to loss. Perhaps your anger is the natural accompaniment of the hurt you feel. One writer said: “Only by becoming aware of the anger—not acting on it but knowing you feel it—can you be free of its destructive effect.”

It may also help to express or share the anger. How? Certainly not in uncontrolled outbursts. The Bible warns that prolonged anger is dangerous. (Proverbs 14:29, 30) But you may find comfort in talking about it with an understanding friend. And some find that vigorous exercise when they are angry is a helpful release.—See also Ephesians 4:25, 26.

While it is important to be open and honest about your feelings, a word of caution is in order. There is a big difference between expressing your feelings and dumping them on others. There is no need to blame others for your anger and frustration. So be mindful of talking out your feelings, but not in a hostile way. (Proverbs 18:21) There is one preeminent aid in coping with grief, and we will now discuss it.

Help From God

The Bible assures us: “Jehovah is near to those that are broken at heart; and those who are crushed in spirit he saves.” (Psalm 34:18) Yes, more than anything else, a relationship with God can help you to cope with the death of someone you love. How? All the practical suggestions offered thus far have been based on or are in harmony with God’s Word, the Bible. Applying them can help you cope.

In addition, do not underestimate the value of prayer. The Bible urges us: “Throw your burden upon Jehovah himself, and he himself will sustain you.” (Psalm 55:22) If talking out your feelings with a sympathetic friend can help, how much more will pouring out your heart to “the God of all comfort” help you!—2 Corinthians 1:3.

It is not that prayer simply makes us feel better. The “Hearer of prayer” promises to give holy spirit to his servants who sincerely ask for it. (Psalm 65:2; Luke 11:13) And God’s holy spirit, or active force, can equip you with “power beyond what is normal” to go from one day to the next. (2 Corinthians 4:7) Remember: God can help his faithful servants to endure any and every problem they may face.

One woman who lost a child in death recalls how the power of prayer helped her and her husband through their loss. “If we were home at night and the grief just became insurmountable, we would pray together out loud,” she explains. “The first time we had to do anything without her—the first congregation meeting we went to, the first convention we attended—we would pray for strength. When we got up in the morning and the reality of it all seemed unbearable, we would pray to Jehovah to help us. For some reason, it was really traumatic for me to walk into the house by myself. And so every time I came home alone, I would just say a prayer to Jehovah to please help me to maintain some sort of calm.” That faithful woman firmly and rightly believes that those prayers made a difference. You too may find that in response to your persistent prayers, ‘the peace of God that excels all thought will guard your heart and your mental powers.’—Philippians 4:6, 7; Romans 12:12.

The help that God supplies does make a difference. The Christian apostle Paul stated that God “comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those in any sort of tribulation.” True, divine help does not eliminate the pain, but it can make it easier to bear. That does not mean that you will no longer cry or will forget your loved one. But you can recover. And as you do, what you have experienced can make you more understanding and sympathetic in helping others to cope with a similar loss.—2 Corinthians 1:4.

---Please do not feel you are a weaking, even the greatest man that ever lived cried when his friend Lazarus died--and Christ was the strongest man both emotionally & mentally that ever lived.

--If you might want a copy of this brochure, and your parents allow you to obtain liturature of your choice, if not TELL THEM how you feel about what was written above , if you feel it has helped you, then ASK ANY of Jehovah's Witnesses in your school or neighborhood ---OR you can obtain a copy off our Official web site at www.watchtower.org

--Also try reading the Scriptures in your Bible that this brochure sited & praying directly to God to help you with coping--He is the best one to talk with!

--My wife & I hope the best for you, BUT remember it will pass, give it time but also do what you can with the reasonable suggestions presented above!

Sincerely---THA