What can I do when I hate my dad's fiance?

Question

The woman my father is engaged to I absolutely detest. From the start, I admit I didn't really give her a chance. Then, on the second night of meeting her, I opened up, and she ignored me. Since that time, almost a year ago, my siblings convinced me to try to be kind and get to know her more.
A few months ago, on the night I finally decided I was ok with it (she was his girlfriend then) she tried to parent me, what we agreed that she would not do, and then she started yelling that I was in the way of her "date night." (This was in my house, by the way.) My dad was standing there, and didn't really help.

I'm frustrated and hurt and angry that he's marrying her. We also then have to move much farther away than my home town.

Am I being selfish for not accepting her, or not, and what should I do in this situation?

Answer 1

Get along for your dad...

Answer 2

I'm not sure where your natural mother is at this point and this can make a huge difference in the way you feel so it's really difficult to say.
If you were the dad saying 'my child hates my fiance' I would tell him that it's his job to make you feel loved, wanted, respected, important, etc. etc. in this world. If this means putting off the wedding until a more appropriate and acceptable time, than I would ask, what was most important to him, a ring on his finger or his child's well being.
But that is not the case.
My advice to you would have to be, if you love your father, you'll try REALLY hard to give her a fair chance. Spend some time with her. There is something in this women that your father loves. If you try, you might find it as well.
If there is a real reason why you don't like her, then you need to find a way to tell your father.
Regardless, you do need to tell him that this is hurting you and why. You need to be horribly honest... really dig down to find what it is all about for you. A solution may come from a little truth, respect, honesty (on both parts) in a good long heart to heart..

Answer 3

Your Dad probably doesn't know what to do. It's tough because he's made the choice to spend his life with her, but you don't get a choice in it. It's also tough to be the parent and step-parent in those situations. Your dad's trying to build a life for himself and his family (you and your sisters). That's not as simple as it seems when your young. And coming in to be a step-parent is the toughest thing a person could take on. Your committing your life to what feels like being an outsider in what is supposed to be your new family.

Any way you look at it, big changes like these cause hurt and conflict. I would recommend you suggest family counseling in order to ease the transition. It could make a big difference in how all of you get along. You may not ever accept her, but you do need to live together.

Answer 4

I'm confused. You say you will have to move far away from your home town which makes me think you still live with your father. But you also said she tried to parent you in "YOUR" house. Do you mean your father's home where you live? You really have no choice in whom your father marries or even if he remarries. If you're still living at home, it will be helpful to remember that you can move out as soon as you finish school. Your siblings wanted you to treat her kindly so apparently they're okay with her. Are you perhaps the youngest? This may be a hard time for you but your father has the right to choose his partner and it's up to you to at least treat her with respect. You're not making a "till death do us part" promise. You'll soon be able to live where you want. Maybe by then you will have settled your differences with her and if you see your father happy with her, that should make you feel good.

Answer 5

I am so sorry this is happening to you. It's a shame that when your Dad was
standing there listening to how she treated you, that he didn't step up and say
something. If he doesn't things will be worse after they are married. Sounds
like the Cinderella story with the wicked stepmother-to-be. Please talk to your
Dad alone. Tell him your heart and how it makes you feel to be treated so bad
by her. If he doesn't understand or refuses to do anything, ask him if she is more important than you are. That should make him think. There will never be peace as long as she is involved. This is tearing your family to pieces. Honey, I don't know what to tell you. My heart goes out to you. God bless you and
the best of everything. You didn't say how old you are. That would make a big
difference in what you can and can not do.

Answer 6

I feel for you, but you need to realize that your father needs to be happy and he can't always please everyone at the same time. Im assuming you are probably 13+ and only have a few years left at home before you go on your own way, college or moving out. You might find that you like her after some time. Give her a chance :)
Good Luck

Answer 7

While I agree that blending families are never easy and I'm not really sure how I would react if my father was dating and remarrying, but I do know this. There's really no set rules that says you must like her. There's also no laws that says she must like you. Sounds cliche, but it's going to take take and a lot of patience on both ends. The closest relationship I can see forming out of this is friendship, she is NOT your mother.

I DO NOT agree with her yelling at you for "interrupting" her date night, that was wrong. It was wrong also, for your father to have witnessed it and not stepped in, sounds like he's more than a little blinded.

Do you live with your mother? Can you talk to her? I know if this were my situation and you were MY daughter, I would want to know if my ex husband's girlfriend-soon-to-be-wife is mistreating my child. Yes, dear, she should NOT have talked to you like that.

Let us know how it goes.

Answer 8

Actually, it is not uncommon or weird. And you can do several things at this point:
1. You can choose to be horrible and make her life hell. She will be miserable, I promise, but she'll come down on you and it might destroy your relationship with your dad.
2. You can talk. Start with your dad. Don't take no for an answer. Tell him your concerns. Try to find solutions between the three of you.

I would suggest you start with #2 and see where you go. Keep your stick on the ice.

Answer 9

You are not being selfish. No one want to see there parents with anyone else no matter how old you are. This woman is not your mother. Your father is in a no win situation because he sides with you she gets mad he sides with her (his wife) and you get mad. You will move out and start a life of your own. Your dad knows this. he dose not want to be alone. You need to tolerate her for his sake because you live there. Once you are out on your own you can keep a relationship with your dad with out her involved. I know moving stinks I am sure you will miss your friends and home town but I am sure you can visit them and them you.

Answer 10

First of all you dont have to accept her she will never take your mothers place but your dad would probably want you to try. If things get really bad between the 2 of you tell your father and hopefully it will change his mind. If I were in his place how my fiance treated my kids would have alot to do w/ whether or not I get married. Just try to get along w/her for your dads sake. Good luck.

Answer 11

Sounds like it is time for you and your Dad to have a serious talk.
In fact you should print this very item you have just wrote and hand it to him...
Then discuss it with him.
If you love your Dad you will...do what it takes to make it work.
But i do see your dilemma. She needs to act like an adult.

Maybe she feels just like you. Ever thought of that? She has met the man of her dreams and now his kids hate her.
I feel for both of you.

the best thing would be to go straight to her and have a heart to heart...but if you are too embarrassed then---write what you want to say and give it to her...

Do what ever it takes - life is to short...Gaining a not so perfect step-mother is way better than loosing your relationship/companionship of your Dad.