What is up with my 14 Year old daughter?

Question

She is so horrible to be around. She was a dificult infant, toddler and child. She is rude, disrespectful, unfeeling, mean, um, I am running out of adjectives. Everything is a fight. I am nice to her and try to leave her alone, but anything I say, she bites my head off. She says nothing is wrong. Her father and I are married, no siblings in the house, she does ok in school (performing arts high school) and is very active in dance. Everything I do drives her crazy. When does a 14 year old girl stop hating her mother?

Answer 1

I'm 23. I was a pretty bad 14 year old myself. My mom and I get along really well now, and have ever since the end of my high school years moreso when I moved out and went away to college. I am taking a class in adolescent development right now and all of these things are normal. The fact that she is striving for independence, her body is going through weird physiological, hormone, and emotion changes, and that she is an only-child are some factors that could be contributing to this behavior.

I am so sad for you that you feel like she hates you. I actually yelled at my mom once explicitly saying "I hate you!" She was obviously hurt, didn't fight back, and went into her room to cool off. I felt horrible. She came out and said "I know you don't hate me." I knew it was true and that I had done a terrible thing to my sweet little mother. I never told her that I hated her again. Now, I still may have been annoyed with her, but that goes with adolescence.

As for everyone saying that you need to be more disciplinary, these things are not helpful because we do not know ways in which you discipline your daughter. But, as my parents always said, "We are you parents. Not your friends." And I am so thankful looking back. Although I fought it, I am glad that I got grounded when I snuck off to parties, I am glad that I got grounded when they found out I started drinking later in high school. I knew that I couldn't step across certain boundaries, and looking back I was so thirsty for their guidance. If you don't guide her, someone else will (as miserable as being around each other is now, it will be worth it in the long run.) Friends are very important in adolescence, as is fitting in in school and being cool. Friends will begin to tell her what is right and wrong if you don't.

Letting her know that you love her is very important too, and that your love in unconditional. All of these people saying to withdraw from her seem way off base. That's the last thing you need to do. My mother was always so caring, and although I drove her crazy, I knew she loved me no matter what. She and my dad were married, and I was so selfish that I wished they would get a divorce. (HORRIBLE, right?) It's just the mind of a 14 year old- thinking, "how can I get what I want?" or "the world SHOULD be like x" or "so-and-so's parents aren't as bad as you.. they're cool" ~there will be these thoughts until about 16 or 17 typically.


I don't mean to come off as preachy, I just remember what it was like to be a 14 year old, and I know that I didn't make it easy on my parents, but it will be better one day...
You can email me if you'd like to talk more.

Good luck!

Answer 2

The problem is she is a 14 year old girl. Welcome. You aren't going to be liked again in 21. I would give her a little space but make sure you enforce those boundaries. I definetly would not let her get away with being disrepectful, rude or anyother adjective that was not reasonable when she was younger. We have a saying at my home. Time for a temper check. Key words for you need to chuck the attitude and come back and speak to me. My guideline is I've been there and try to remember what it was like to be 14 and then I call my mother at least once a day and say I am so sorry. She says okay You'll live through this also and laughs.

Answer 3

It has often been said you can tell what a teenager will be like by the way they behave in toddle-two years.... only the teenager is an exagerated person of the two-year old

My son, for example was highly independant. I loved that about him at 2. But at 14 it was IMPOSSIBLE. He was also thoughtful, insightful, and emotional at 2.. the same proved to be true from 12 - 16. Then he became arrogant (gee, just like me) at 15-19. He is currently 19 & we are "friends" & I am sort-a-mom in a changing role... and that is how it should be.

I serve as a loan officer, occasional ATM machine, and often times advise that seems to be taken sourly at first, but then embrassed within a short period of time.

Patience & Guidance are my suggestions to you & if you are losing the ability to offer both of these, then please seek help as a family.

a teenagers hormones can wreck havoc & similarly so can the need/drive that is intended to bring a child into adolesence & then into young adulthood......

Try to remember that your child feels things differently than they did before.... try to remember when you were that age... again seek help if needed

And.. as others have pointed out... you & her father (those who have served as her parents & role models) perhaps needed to do things differently when she was younger.... no changing the past now... get a grip & set appropriate boundries... don't blame your child, be the parent & work towards the best outcome

Answer 4

Well maybe you need a perspective of someone your daughters age. My mom and I would fight almost every single day and it would drive both of us crazy. I have two younger sisters and I'm 15 so everything we fought about I would drag them into it. The only problem here, as my dad taught my mom and me, is love, not that you both don't love each other but not to the fullest. You need to realize that that arguing never solves anything. If you don't argue with your daughter than she will eventually give up and understand that being rude is not right especially to your own mother. I wish you all the best.
Remember a parent is always the best example, I should know.

Answer 5

I'm 14 and I don't think discipline has much to do with it. It also depends what she's been through. I went through a few harsh things which taught me to respect my mom and my brother. Since they've always been there. She probably hasn't gone through a lot of bad things. I'm not judging or anything. My mom never really hit us. She just yells at us and it makes us feel bad. Knowing we've all been through a lot makes us feel bad when we do something wrong. Whenever she grounds us is NEVER for a long time as she says it is xD But I feel like **** everytime she yells at my brother for being an asshole. I just want to run up and beat him up or something cause she has gone through a lot and doesn't deserve to be treated that way. I love my mom and she was never really the hitting kind or grounding and I'm not rude to her, most of the time. ;P I know how to respect adults. Although I have to admit, a little discipline would be good. I need more discipline, I'm not going to lie. But I'm not rude to people. Unless they're disrespectful to me. Just teach her that thing's are not going to always be her way.

Answer 6

Oh boy, that reminds me of me when I was 14. Well... if she keeps biting your head off, bite her head off everytime she asks you for something, and then tell her if you two cannot speak to each other without raised voices, then she can forget whatever she was going to ask you or do. Also, try not to leave her alone so much. Make her be around. It'll piss her off for a while, but she'll get over it. Plan a small road trip and make her go so you three can just "hang out" that's all I can think of. Wish I could be of more help. Goodluck

Answer 7

First if this is a on going problem from infant to now, call your doctor about this behavior. It may be something medical that needs correction with medication.

ok here is an option, Dont let it get out of hand cause i seen my cousin go down bad because she was the same way as your daughter. My cousin was bad from age 13 to now 22

BE strict with her. If she disobeys take something from her room and lock it up, until she can be have or earn it back. If you give allowence. STOP. Why reward your child with money when she is being rude.
Limit her outting to supervised one's. If she complains tell her why should you let her go out alone if she is misbehaving.( having mom tag along on outings with friends isnt fun)
Monitor phone calls and limit to 20 minutes or less.
If Tv, games stereo are in her room, make those first to go if she starts acting up.
Only a good behaving teen should get those kind of privlages in there room for enjoyment.
Give her chores to do around the house and get responsibility.
Let her earn the right to have phone calls, outings to the store movies or mall, to have allowences and tv time

All else fails take her to the police station for a hard lesson. see if they do walk through for juvinal's.

Answer 8

Sounds like you didnt discipline the bad attitude out of her when she was little so I'm not sure that she'll grow out of it...

But otherwise its hormones and everything. It's boys (or whatever). It's everything. She's embarassed by everything you do, just because you're not "in". Some people still hate their mothers in college.

Its just your job to discover if there are reasons why shes always been acting out. Maybe that no one understands her? It could be anything and everything at once.

Answer 9

apparently its a phase. my little brother was.. what am i saying IS still like that and he's almost 16, the other day he threw his xbox at the $1300 tv. yeah i was pissed. course my parents couldnt control him. he was a very spoiled little boy. being the baby and all. maybe it seems she might have some pressures at school or from you (the parents) that make her hold in her anger to the point where she'll burst out/ lash out at you. since she's active in dance, that seems to be her outlet. its nice that you give her space, but try not to let the outbursts keep going, at some point you need to be the top dog, head honcho, etc... at one point or another you need to put her in her place, or you're going to be a doormat. let her be independent, give her space, dont nag, I still burst at my mommy because she nags all the time, its like "mom i heard you the first 3 times, stop already!" sometimes we (the teenagers) can handle certain things but we try to be adults and handle it all, but she'll grow out of it, im starting to but it's hard, and I'm 18, I should be out of this already, but I'm not. good luck and hope I helped.

Answer 10

When she has a child of her own they discover that we are actually pretty smart. Fourteen is bad, ahh but wait till fifteen, I started a club called "Parents of Fifteen year old girls", but we were afraid they would find us. I've even been through it with my now eighteen year old granddaughter, so I know what you are going through and will go through and I sympathize with you. This is actually normal separation behavior and she is right on schedule, I must confess when my daughters were going through this I would occasionally do something horrible, like wear and out of date prairie skirt, just to give them something to "die" about. They are almost forty now, and we have a close and happy relationship, so there is hope, just keep being yourself and eventually, they will come to respect that.