I have to know who is wrong...?

Question

I love my fiancé but we can’t agree on anything. We have been together for 5 years, and just bought our first home. We take care of my 6 yo niece (for my sister who is in rehab) she has been with us for 6 months and we don’t have kids so there is a lot of pressure on us from that change. We both do housework but he feels he shouldn’t do anything because he makes more than twice my salary. He spends freely and frequents the bars at least once a week, usually 2 or 3 times a week. I work lots of hours also and he helps with dinner and my niece so he feels that he can do what he wishes when he wants. And spend as much as he wants… but I scrimp and save every penny, and often don’t buy the things I need because I know my niece is a financial strain on us. We are working against each other and I think he’s selfish and he thinks I take him for granted. But if it was his nephew I would do the same without thinking. That’s what loving someone is about... Who do you think is in the wrong?

Well it was our joint decision to take my niece in rather then leave here alone in foster care (her brother was placed with my sister) We sat down and talked about everything before this started.

When we first got togother everything was 50/50, money, rent, food, going out, bills, chores. Everything. He had his account, I had mine and we had a joint one for bills. And at times in our 5 years I did make more money but I didn't treat him this way.

I agree, I think you would get a different story from him I tried to be as middle of the road as I could..

And I am willing to do anything for him or his family, but I will not be his doormat.

If we didn't have the huge purchase of the house, I would already be gone right now.

Answer 1

He's selfish, and you are wrong for getting online asking this question instead of going to him and letting him know where things are breaking down in the relationship. Go before it's too late over something that can be worked on and resolved.

Answer 2

It's not entirely his fault. Maybe you are too frugal, and maybe he spends too much. He is selfish, and I hope you two don't have a wedding date set since there are problems arising. You have a place in this too, it's not just him at fault here. He is probably wanting a traditional marriage. I like cooking, cleaning, and doing stuff for my husband because I feel that it is my responsibility, even though I work also. He takes care of the finances, the cars, the garage, the den, and all of the other household stuff that I don't know how to do or fix. Marriage is about putting your spouse before your needs. I put him first, and some may say that is stupid and that I am being a doormat, but I am more considerate of his feelings than I am my own. It takes a self less person to consider their spouse before their own needs.
Enough rambling, but you two need to sit down and have a rational discussion without pointing fingers, raising voices, and having a mature, adult conversation. If you can't do that, then I suggest holding off the wedding for a while.

Answer 3

Personally, I think you are both in the wrong for not planning financially.

If you have been together five years, I am assuming this income differential between the two of you is nothing new. It should have been settled long before the two of you had your niece walk into your life. Should he pay twice as much towards the bills since he earns twice as much, or should you both pay equally? Should the money be in one account where after the bills are paid, you each are entitled to $x per month?

However, that is all now water under the bridge. The two of you need to sit down and establish some ground rules that the two of you can live with. How much housework should he be expected to do? What specific chores should be his duty? How many times per week can he go out to a bar and you can accept? How many times per week can you go out to a bar and he can accept?

Answer 4

Take your niece living with you as an experience and think twice before you have children because it sounds like he will not be a good parent, and if his going to the bar two to three times a week his not being a good husband that alone could bring problems to a marriage, what he spends is completely his concern since he does work hard for it as you do, and you should spend more on yourself stop penny pinching, if your sister is getting disability maybe you could ask her for financial help.

The main concern at this time is your niece and that she feels happy and safe and soon she will be back with her mom and she will appreciate it forever its something she will never forget. So I give you two thumbs up for that, that alone says your a good person and deserve better. Talk to your future hubby do it with calmness, maybe work and the new living situation is to much for him.

And well this is how we get to know our better half with this experiences and there is nothing wrong with him this is who he is, only that you never had the opportunity to see it before.

Good luck.

Answer 5

who brought the niece into your home? was it a joint decision? you leave out some crucial information. in the end you made a decision to care for another individual and while i applaud you for that it was your decision. children often take money away from the things we need that is just part of parenting. if he doesn't feel the same obligations as you then he will not be willing to give on the same levels that you do. i wish you all the best of luck. as to who is right or who is wrong my answer is simple you are both right and you are both wrong. talk to each other

Answer 6

it doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong.
you working a lot of hours doesn't make things easy on either of you. look for a job that doesn't require you to stay long hours.
every once in a well tell your finance that you love him and make feel appreciated. he goes out because he feels the pressure of the situation and leaves to go to the bars to get away and forget about the problems in the household. take some time to spend with each other. find someone to babysit your niece and a night out for the both of you. ask a family member to help take care of your niece and set aside time for you and your partner before things get any worse.

show him you are also willing to work together. be the better person. patience is also good.

Answer 7

You do take him for granted. He is allowing your niece to live with you, he makes more then twice the income you do so yes he deserves to be the man of the house.
Maybe it would be better if you didn't work and stayed home to care for your niece and your husband. Try writing up a budget nad see how much money you would lose or save you may find you would be better off.

Answer 8

If the agreement to take care of your niece was mutual between you two, then hes not holding up to his agreement with you to take on your niece. What I see here is that he definitely isnt father material, something you should know if you ever want a family together. Think about it

Answer 9

The big picture is wrong...neither is working for your future..as a couple...your still being individuals...you both need to sit down and agree to some family goals that both can live with..because don't think things are going to change once you get married...unless you discuss this and come to a clear understanding , things just may get worse.

Answer 10

He's using the fact that he is helping taking care of
your niece to do what he wants with the bar visits.
After all it is your niece and you and him are not
married and did not adopt the niece so his respon-
sibility he feels needs to be very little. You put him
in this position and he does very little for support
and uses that to do what he wants. So due to the
situation you put him in he is taking advantage of
it, and that does not neceserialy make him wrong.
He is taking advantage of the situation that's all.