My friend just had to put her dog down...?

Question

I feel really bad because I really loved her dog a lot, and I knew how close she and her dog were. I tried acting like nothing happened, because I knew if I started talking about it, she would probably start crying and I didn't want that. Well, whenever shes sad, she takes it out on me and says all this mean crap about me. My other friends just say,"I know Allana, she would never say that about you." Well, truthfully, they dont hang out with her as much as I do and she's just like that sometimes. They put her dog down last night, and Allana came to school and at lunch she started calling me stupid and I looked at her really upset, and she said,"What? I'm only stating the truth!" I dont want her to be like this when shes upset and with my other friends siding with her, so what should I do?

Answer 1

My friend just put her dog to sleep too. Go buy your friend a card. Just a "thinking of you" card or "sympathy" card. This death is just as important to her as a family member. So, get her a card and say you're sorry about her dog. Then, let her get mad and take it out on you for awhile. When someone or a pet close to you dies, you tend to be very emotional and take it out on those you love. I know it's not right, but the anger and hurt just comes out sometimes. Be patient with her. Or if it helps you, stay away from her until she snaps out of it. I think talking about her dog might help. Not talking about him makes her think no one cared about him. It's ok to talk about him and remember how cute he was or the funny things he did. It's better that she cries it all out instead of holding it inside.

Answer 2

Wow - this is not an easy situation to be in. On the one hand, you feel sympathy for this person who just lost a friend she loved.

On the other hand, it's not fun to be the target of her attacks.

If this is something she does "whenever she's sad," you really do have to ask yourself if this is a good relationship for you. What do you get out of it the rest of the time? How often does she turn on you? If she does this a lot, and you've told her you don't like it, then you might want to hang out with someone who cares more about your feelings.

If this isn't something that happens often, well, her dog had just died the day before, and by your own admission, you tried to "act like nothing happened."

You said, "I don't want her to be like this when she's upset..." The thing is, you can't make her do or be anything. Those are her choices. It's okay to tell her you don't want to be her punching bag, and to hang out with someone else if she does this a lot.

None of which means you can't show sincere sympathy for the loss of her dog. You don't want her to cry? After losing a good friend? I know it's awkward sometimes to be around someone who is very upset, but she does have a right to be upset . Nobody is ever ready to lose someone she (or he) loves. It's hard, painful. There's a hole in your life and you have to figure out how to deal with that.

People deal with grief in different ways - there's no "right" way to grieve. It's okay to say "I'm so sorry about your dog - he was such a great dog." Had it happened to you, how would you feel? Would you be touchy? On edge? Feel vulnerable and scared (death can be very scary). How would you want someone to treat you during that time?

If she thought of you as a friend and you weren't there for her, then you owe her an apology. If she often uses you as a punching bag, then she owes you one.

So is this something she does a lot, or something she does only when really upset - like the day after her beloved dog died? The answer to that will help you figure out what to do.

Answer 3

As tough as it is, you need to think about this. Sometimes people with take out there feelings on others. They do not mean too, but, the feelings are so big and so prominent, the excess has to go somewhere...and usually its poured on another person.
The best thing you could do right now is not act like nothing happen. In doing so you will make her feel like her feeling have no bearing and no one undertsnads her.
If you really care about her..write her a note. tell her you are really sorry about her dog, and how muched you loved her dog too. Don't get overly sappy, because then it looks like you are trying to hard. Just stae that your not sure whether to talk about her dog or not. That you know how much she must be hurting, and a couple of good memories about her dog. then end it with something along the lines that, you'll be there if she needs a shoulder to lean on or talk things out with.
Don't worry if she doesn't write you back or ever mention the letter. The important thing is to let her grieve and stand beside her while she does. Overlook her anger as it is sadnness in disguise.

Answer 4

Well, for one thing you should have never tried to ignore the fact that her dog died. The death of her pet is like the death of a family member.

I think the best thing you can do at this point is to go out and buy her a great card for her loss! They do have cards for the death of a pet. Also buy her a little gift. When my cat died i got a nice cat candle that i use as a memorial next to a flower in a glass.

What can she say to your gift that recognizes the loss of her loved one? It's worth a shot? And afterall you do feel bad.

Good luck. And if she can't get past this, then give her some space for awhile so she can mourn and she will be back mk? Death is not an easy thing, and everyone deals with it differently. Some people will even push their friends and loved ones away.

Answer 5

They say that people take it out on the ones you love the most!
She feels very close to you and that is probably why she is doing it.
Loosing a dog is a hard thing to go though We had to put my dog down Dec 29th so i know what you and she are going though. Just try to be there for her and when she starts saying mean things to you just. Just let her know that you are there for her because she is a good friend, but let her know that if she keeps up what she is saying you are going to have to rethink your friendship with her.
Maybe that will get her thinking.
Again I'm sorry about the doggie.
Take care and good luck

Answer 6

When my beloved dog died in a car accident (hit and run over by a pickup truck) I was left crying for a week. So I understand how your friend feels. She is venting her anger on you propably she is hiding her true feelings. She doesn't mean to hurt you but you were there at the wrong time. Just console and let her be. Try to keep an open mind and avoid talking about the dog. She is already very sad. Good luck.

Answer 7

The first time a lot of us have to come to terms with death is when a cherished pet dies. Whoever talks to her, needs to explain there is a season for everything but they must do it in a way she will understand. She also needs to be able to talk about it with someone and be given a chance to grieve. Hopefully her family was able to bury the dog. If she was able to participate in a little ceremony for the dog, it would help give her some closure.

Answer 8

Wow!!! ...and you call these people your friends!!!

You sound like such a caring person ~~~ yet they emotionally abuse you. I would look around for new friends.

People treat you the way you expect/allow them to ~~~ next time you get a "put down" just say, in a kindness tone of voice ~~~ "I would never say that about you" ~~~ and if need be walk away.

NO FRIENDS are better than abusive ones.

Pick up the book "The Art of Loving" by Eric Fromme ~~~ if not in your nearest book store order it 'on-line' or from 'Borders Bookstore'.

Where on your birth certificate does it say ~~~ "born to be abused".

Good Luck and God Bless You!!!

Answer 9

Different people deal with stress in a different way. Having to put the dog down that she loved is a hard thing to do.
Maybe, after she's not upset anymore you can talk to her about the way she reacts when she's upset and explain to her that it upsets you very much.
She might listen.

Answer 10

If you had feeling for the dog you should show you are feeling bad.
Not just say nothing.
IF I had a friend that did not try to consoul me when I had to put a dog down I would be angry too.
My dogs are part of the family and it would be like loosing a child or a parent.