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Question

There aren’t many events in my life which has changed me and made me who I am. But there are some really amazing one's I can tell you about.
So I'm going to share some of my passionate experiences of the events and people in my life that have made me who I am today.

I would firstly like to talk about when I got baptized into my religion a few years ago. I believe that this specific event has changed my views and opinions about everything I do and the way I deal with matters. In November of 2002 my parents and I went to an assembly for our religion, During that assembly they talked about how God will soon put an end to all the horrible things happening on this earth, such as sickness, death and wars as well as a lot of other stuff. I learned a lot about the Bible and God that day. When I came home I had this overwhelming feeling of joy. I went to my mother that night and told her I wanted to be baptized, she hugged me and we made the arrangements. 1 year later I was baptized as one of Jehovah's Witnesses. It was definitely one of the biggest events in my life. And I am still happy that I made that decision to be baptized.

Then there were my sisters wedding. My sister was my best friend. I knew once she got married my life would never be the same. She generously helped to keep me out of trouble, as well as give me good advice about issues. She asked me to be her maid of honor. And certainly I accepted. The big reason why I didn’t want her to get married was because I didn't have many friends then. I was also very shy and not good at making new ones. But I knew once she was gone I would have to. Of course now I have 3 amazing friends whom I love dearly and couldn't live without. I've become more confident and mature since she has left.

There have also been music influences on my life, which hopefully have made me a better person. I've had a love for music ever since I was a child. A specific change came when I was 13. I had won VIP passes to see and meet my favorite band. Me and my best friend went to the concert and it was the most amazing night of my life. Ever since that night I've loved attending concerts. I have now been to 83 concerts since then. I have in addition worked for some of them. I also play the guitar. When I get depressed I pick up my guitar and start playing and in that moment everything and everyone else just disappears, and for that little while its just me and the music. I can definitely say that music have had a huge impact on my life.

About 2 years ago I had signed up to be a full time pioneer for my religion, I worked very hard to be able to do that. It involved 70 hours a month in service time. Service is when you go out door to door and talk to others about the Bible. I enjoyed it a lot, I was helping people become more acquainted with the Bible, politely answering their questions and concerns. It further helped me to become even more acquainted with the Bible myself, which helped me draw closer to God. About 2 months after I had signed up to be a full time pioneer, they told me my hours in service were low from a few months before I signed up. So they didn't think it'd be a good idea for me to full time pioneer at that time. Of course I was very disappointed. I got depressed and for a while I didn't even feel like trying. I wasn't mad at God or anything I was just confused as to why he wouldn't want me to teach others about him, I later on realized that he does and it was just a small test from him, It has made me stronger and I know now that I have to keep trying and working towards becoming a full time pioneer. its definitely one of my goals in life and I definitely want to do it soon.

The most recent thing that has changed me is my boyfriend. He has to be one of the best things that's ever happened to me, He's an actor and lives in Los Angeles, California. He's very busy most of the time. Its hard not being able to see him as much as I would like to because he lives in California and I live in Indiana, but I love him so I will support him no matter how far away he is from me. He has made me become a better person. He's always there when I need him, even if he's in the process of filming a movie if I call him to come out he fly's out that day just to see me. I love him and no one will ever change the unconditional love we have for each other. We've we've become so trusting with each other by having a long distance relationship, and as many know trust is one of the most important issues in a I i do believe we will get married one day and have so many wonderful years together.

Its amazing how much stuff you remember about your “childhood” if you just sit down carefully think about it. The events that I’ve mentioned are probably not the only ones that have made me whom I am. Who knows, if I’m only 17 years old there will probably be many more. Maybe an event or change is taking place right now and I might only realize it later on. I know that some of the events have changed me for the better and some for worse but what I do know is that it made me more wise. If you think about carefully, if I have another ten similar events like these before I’m 21, could you imagine how wise and how scrambled my memory would be?
Those were the five events which have most influenced me and made me who I am, that was me.

Answer 1

Here are some suggested changes:

Original:
I had won VIP passes to see and meet my favorite band. Me and my best friend went to the concert and it was the most amazing night of my life.

Suggestion:
I won VIP passes to see and meet my favorite band. My best friend and I went to the concert, and it was the most amazing night of my life!


Suggestion with corrections:
About 2 years ago I applied to be a full time "pioneer" for my religion, which involves 70 hours a month in "field service". "Field service" is when a person goes door to door and talks to others about the Bible. I worked very hard to be able to do that. I enjoyed it a lot; I was helping people become more acquainted with the Bible, politely answering their questions and concerns. It further helped me to become even more acquainted with the Bible myself, which helped me draw closer to God. About 2 months after I submitted my application to be a full time pioneer, they told me my hours in service were low from a few months before I signed up. So they didn't think it'd be a good idea for me to full time pioneer at that time. Of course I was very disappointed. I got depressed and for a while I didn't even feel like trying. I wasn't mad at God or anything I was just confused as to why he wouldn't want me to teach others about him. I later on realized what he does and it was just a small test from him. It has made me stronger and I know now that I have to keep trying and working towards becoming a full time pioneer. It's definitely one of my goals in life and I definitely want to do it soon.


Original:
Its hard not being able to see him... ...filming a movie if I call him to come out he fly's out... ...We've we've become so trusting with each other by having a long distance relationship, and as many know trust is one of the most important issues in a I i do believe...

Suggestion:
It's hard not being able to see him... ...filming a movie, if I call him to come out, he flies out... ...We've become so trusting with each other by having a long distance relationship, and as many know, trust is one of the most important issues. I do believe...


Original:
...sit down carefully think... ...whom I am... ...some for worse... ...If you think about carefully, if I have another ten similar events like these before I’m 21, could you imagine how wise and how scrambled my memory would be? Those were the five events which have most influenced me and made me who I am, that was me.

Suggestion:
...sit down carefully and think... ...who I am... ...some for the worse... ...If I have another ten events like these before I’m 21, I cannot imagine how wise and scrambled I'll become. The five events I've discussed here have influenced me to be who I am now at 17, but I intend to be much, much more.

Answer 2

There are few events in my life which have changed my life, making me who I am today. The ones that have, however, are amazing. I'm going to share some of my passionate experiences of the events and people that have shaped my life.

First, I would like to talk about when I got baptized a few years ago as a (your religion). I believe that this specific event changed my views and opinions about everything I do and how I deal with matters. In November 2002, my parents and I went to an assembly for our religion. During that assembly they talked about how God will soon put an end to all the horrible things happening on this earth, such as sickness, death and wars. I learned a lot about the Bible and God that day. When I came home, I had this overwhelming feeling of joy. I went to my mother that night and told her I wanted to be baptized. 1 year later, after the arrangements were made, I was baptized as a Jehovah's Witnesses. It was definitely one of the most profound events in my life, and I am still happy that I made that decision.

The next event was my sister's wedding. My sister is my best friend. I knew once she got married, my life would never be the same. She generously helped keep me out of trouble, as well as giving me good advice about issues. She asked me to be her maid of honor, and certainly I accepted, even though I was upset about her getting married. The main reason was, at the time, I didn't have many friends, and I was shy upon meeting new people. However, I knew once she was married I would have to. Now I have three amazing friends whom I love dearly and couldn't live without, and I've become more confident and mature since then.

There have also been musical influences on my life, which have helped made me a better person. I've had a love for music ever since I was a child, but a specific change in my life came when I was 13. I had won VIP passes to see and meet my favorite band. My best friend and I went to the concert, and it was the most amazing night of my life. Ever since then, I've loved attending concerts, and have attended 83. Additionally, I worked for some of them. I also play the guitar. Whenever I get depressed, I pick up my guitar and start playing, and in that moment everything and everyone else just disappears For that short while, it's just me and the music. I can definitely say that music has had a huge impact on my life.

About 2 years ago I signed up to be a full time pioneer for my religion. I worked very hard to be able to do that. It involved 70 hours a month in service time. Service is when you go out door to door and talk to others about the Bible. I enjoyed it a lot, I was helping people become more acquainted with the Bible, politely answering their questions and concerns. It further helped me to become even more acquainted with the Bible myself, which helped me draw closer to God. About two months after I had signed up to be a full time pioneer, they told me my hours in service were low from a few months before I signed up. So they didn't think it'd be a good idea for me to full time pioneer at that time. Of course I was very disappointed. I got depressed and for a while I didn't even feel like trying. I wasn't mad at God or anything I was just confused as to why he wouldn't want me to teach others about him, I later on realized that he does and it was just a small test from him, It has made me stronger and I know now that I have to keep trying and working towards becoming a full time pioneer. its definitely one of my goals in life and I definitely want to do it soon.

The most recent thing that has changed me is my boyfriend. He has to be one of the best things that's ever happened to me, He's an actor and lives in Los Angeles, California. He's very busy most of the time. Its hard not being able to see him as much as I would like to because he lives in California and I live in Indiana, but I love him so I will support him no matter how far away he is from me. He has made me become a better person. He's always there when I need him, even if he's in the process of filming a movie if I call him to come out he fly's out that day just to see me. I love him and no one will ever change the unconditional love we have for each other. We've we've become so trusting with each other by having a long distance relationship, and as many know trust is one of the most important issues in a I i do believe we will get married one day and have so many wonderful years together.

Its amazing how much stuff you remember about your “childhood” if you just sit down carefully think about it. The events that I’ve mentioned are probably not the only ones that have made me whom I am. Who knows, if I’m only 17 years old there will probably be many more. Maybe an event or change is taking place right now and I might only realize it later on. I know that some of the events have changed me for the better and some for worse but what I do know is that it made me more wise. If you think about carefully, if I have another ten similar events like these before I’m 21, could you imagine how wise and how scrambled my memory would be?
Those were the five events which have most influenced me and made me who I am, that was me.

Answer 3

I think it's pretty good. Things are a little rocky in the baptism and wedding paragraph, but after that I think you really got the hang of it. Probably little things like the introduction sentence to the baptism paragraph sould be changed to something like, "To begin, an experience that has had a very large influence in my life was when I was baptized into my religion a few years (Specify, maybe?) ago." Also, go through and look for sentences that could be combined. I saw a few short, choppy sentences that could be made into a more flowing one. Also, maybe add a little more to the very first paragraph. Otherwise, everything else looked good once you got really going. I liked it. ^_^ Hope this helps.

Answer 4

Ok i will come back to this, only on the first paragraph...well am is are were be being and been are yeah, linking verbs, but they don't fully explain the sentence well. and, when you say there are some amazing ONE'S say moments!! just a few hints..you don't have to take them!

2nd, wow, i'm impressed you understand that you say my mom and I instead of my mom and me, most people don't get that lodged in their head.
~On Then there were my sisters. I think it sounds a tid bit better Then, there was my sisters... I also love "Of course now I have 3 amazing friends whom I love dearly and couldn't live without." you used it correctly! When you say my sister was my best friend, say my sister is *was, makes her sound dead..unless u are saying that u rarely talk like u had before, then keep it) but say my sister,Name___got married, (but in your wording, im shortening this up) she is/was my best friend. Always there supporting me, freeing me from trouble?* not sure how u would say that..She is a generous person....you did good on this!, im just trying to give hints that will improve..Again, I'm not finished,

Answer 5

Your essay is good, but you do have a few mistakes. First your essay should be a standard 5 paragraphs 1 introductory, 3 body and 1 conclusion. You need to choose the three events you like the best and include only those in your paper. Also, in your conclusion make sure you sum up what you talked about. Make sure you indent your paragraphs, and punctuate each sentence. Good luck!

Answer 6

Well, I learned in English this year to never ever say "This is what I'm going to tell you about". EVER! So, thats just a tip.