He said that he has always thought about sex as violent and very dirty. He never associated it with love. He says that he is trying to change his thought pattern right now into blending sex and love together which is very hard for him. He says that he has these personal issues to work out. He hasn't been really interested in sex since we got married 2 weeks ago. He said that when he was with girls before he met me sex was just sex and he didn't care about the girls at all. It is since he met me and got married that he has to get used to sex and love together. He says that he has to change about realizes that sex isn't a game anymore. I guess I am not a guy and do not understand fully. Any men experienced anything like this?
2007-03-08 10:43:31 · 20 answers · asked by lc 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He has some issues from his past that has him thinking like this...No, guys aren't like that.
2007-03-08 10:47:14 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
No. But, I wonder if he was sexually abused in the past or has been/is addicted to pornography. Both do weird things to someone's emotional makeup and often the person wont realize that is where the problem stems from. He is beginning to realize now that how he viewed sexual activity in the past was a selfish, one way street. Is there a trusted counselor you can get some pointers from? Meanwhile, try to understand that he is trying to change an unhealthy sexual attitude into a healthy one with you at its center. Help him realize that now sex in about both of your needs and not just his. Talk things out. Help him see that its not wrong to satisfy his own desires when he does so by satisfying yours also. Best wishes on your marriage.
2007-03-08 10:54:38 · answer #2 · answered by anonymouse 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm not a man, but I understand. I have had similar problems in my own marriage, only it's me that has the issue. My husband associates sex with love. I see it as a way to feel good. I have a hard time getting into it sometimes because I'm so emotionally attached to him. It may stem from some earlier trauma. It doesn't, that I know of, for me but I have heard of similar situations that are caused by abuse, molestation, etc.
2007-03-08 10:50:48 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
In one way this is a good sign. He isn't just going for it with you in his old violent and game playing way. He has paused his sexual expression so that he can consider his thought processes and attitudes to sex. He is in a period of change. You can help him during this time of change for him by slowly introducing him to a more positive sexuality. You could start by loving hugs and touching, then progress to loving foreplay, and finally to a new sexual experience for him in which he is not necessarily the protagonist. See if you can get him to relax completely and let you treat him and make him feel good and loved. Don't let him think that this not masculine or that you are trying to 'teach' him in case this makes him feel less manly. Hopefully he will learn through your example and have a great time as well.
2007-03-08 10:59:07 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow. This is serious. What surprises me is that this issue hasn't come up before you got married (assuming, of course, that you were sexually active). Because if he had sex with you and was in love with you, these feelings would have come to the fore earlier, one would think. this may be a masquerade for something else... perhaps he's having regrets over gettting married? It may be too much to try to talk with him about this right now, but just be romantic and reassuring. Good luck.
2007-03-08 10:48:04 · answer #5 · answered by Perdendosi 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm not a guy either, but I'd say watch out!! Your guy seems to have a lot of unresolved feelings...thoughts of sex as being violent and very dirty. Please try to get him into counseling ASAP, for your own peace of mind. Under the circumstances you could easily become a doormat, beaten, abused, or worse, if you don't meet his expectations of sex and love together. Sorry to be the voice of doom, and I could be totally wrong, but I don't think so. God Bless, Martha S.
2007-03-08 10:52:27 · answer #6 · answered by Martha S 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well I'm not a man, but it sounds to me like maybe your husband suffered through something very traumatic very young which has led him to shut out that aspect of a man's needs....I wonder if you had engaged in pre marital sex beforehand? You should try to get hims to communicate some of the reasons WHY he makes those associations with sex.
2007-03-08 10:53:36 · answer #7 · answered by Andrea M 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like he's borderline dysfunctional. How come these issues are surfacing after marriage? Was everything "just peachy" before? Most guys I've ever been with have had a good balance of sex for lust and sex for love. I can't recall ever meeting anyone who was truly one-sided.
2007-03-08 11:05:52 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
One of my first real boyfriends told me that guys differentiate between sex and love, so that part sounds real to me.
But I would also suggest counseling, probably for him first and then have him invite you into the conversation when he is ready...but don't force or nag him into counseling either, let him go when he is ready.
I think that the best thing you can do is to love him and support him the best that you can. I know it may be difficult, but I would also keep it in your house. No talking to mom or dad unless he is comfortable with it.
It may be difficult but he must be worth it if you married him.
2007-03-08 11:13:24 · answer #9 · answered by Stef 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This subject should of been brought up before marriage. However it's a little late. Help him out. Walk him through what he's going through. He'll appreciate the things you do for him. And no, men should not be experiencing things like your husband because if they do, they need to restrain themselves from marriage.
2007-03-08 10:49:57 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
sounds like he was sexually abused. I always hated when people on here suggest that you seek help from a proffesional because that always seemed like the obvious thing one would do if one could, but it's seems the only appropriate answer for this question. I think that he should be counseled, he seems ready for it. The fact that he described his problem to you so accurately is a good sign
2007-03-08 10:54:31 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋