About 6 months ago, my husband came home after a session with his therapist and said he feels suffocated in the marriage. Since then, it's been an emotional roller coaster - from I love you to I want out, all in the same conversation. We saw a marriage counselor which did not help. He tells me he loves me but feels he needs to find himself, while at the same time, he blames it on the marriage. He wants to separate but can't seem to make that decision (part of suffocation). In any case, he might be deciding on an apartment today. He cannot tell me if the separation is permanent or temporary. Should I wait for him to come out of this crisis, not knowing if he will come back, or seek a divorce lawyer? I love him even despite his hurtful behavior. We live in CA. Any advice will be helpful. Thanks.
2007-03-08 10:38:18 · 33 answers · asked by stuck 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
it sounds like he doesn't know what he wants. so i would go ahead and file the papers, it might shock him into action. if he wants to leave and won't say whether it's permanent or not, then you should not sit there and wait for him. although all midlife crises eventually end, you can't put your life on hold for him.
2007-03-08 10:43:39 · answer #1 · answered by pikachu 5 · 3⤊ 1⤋
If you have been married a long time - I'd say be a bit patient. We all go through different periods in our life when we just need to figure out where we are, take stock.
He's feeling suffocated - It may not have anything to do with the marriage, it could be work, the realization that he's past the middle mark and headed for old age - if he says he loves you, trust him.
A marriage is always an easy target for blame. That doesn't mean it is the actual cause. Perhaps being alone for awhile will help him to resolve his focus ... the only way to know is to help him work through it without jumping to conclusions. That will add to his confusion if he's being honest with you.
Wait out the crisis. He may well come around. If he doesn't - take action then. But don't jump the gun.
Ask yourself what you'd want him to do if the tables were turned.
Use the time to do things you've not been doing while tending to him - go out with your girlfriends, take weekend jaunts, don't stay home wondering when he's going to call! Take a yoga class ...
Good luck to you both.
2007-03-16 08:58:51 · answer #2 · answered by pepper 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Divorce is going to be painful. What do you lose by agreeing to the separation and then using that time to date? He says he loves you but he wants to be away from you. Well, tell him that you are sure he would not stop himself from dating and should you be dating, too? What's his answer? If he says he would never date, I'd be skeptical. If he says he would, then say that it's fine and you will be dating also. Then test the waters, date as much as you can. Don't wait for feedback from him about how he is progressing in his single life. Separation is short of divorce but it is the first step. You'll be much much lonelier and distraught waiting by the phone wringing your hands while he takes 5 or 6 years to 'find himself' with someone else.
He has a history with you. And he doesn't want to commit to a future with you. All you have is the present so don't waste it in needless worry. You may 'find yourself' too!
2007-03-14 02:13:56 · answer #3 · answered by kathyw 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you have children, you should wait and try to figure out the best solution for them and yourself. And if you really love the guy, then you probably want to wait as well. I don't mean to side with him, but I think this is the time to learn about relationships and your own relationship in particular. How did you get here? What could have prevented it? What are your mutual needs? What types of personalities do you have? What love language do you speak? What are your goals? Are they mutual? All these sorts of questions will help both of you to understand what really is going on. If you don't find those answers, who's to say you won't end up in this type of relationship again? Good luck!
2007-03-15 13:58:39 · answer #4 · answered by stormc2 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If your husband gets an apartment he will also get a lover and younger than you. Because that's what it's all about-he wants to get back the sexual excitment that got lost in the routine of a long marriage. Do you really want to sit around and wait for this to happen? He probably still loves you but the passion is gone from your marriage.This is a painful situation for you but I'm afraid it won't get better. Good Luck!
2007-03-08 11:01:27 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you love him you'll give him the space and support he needs. Tho' it must hurt like hell, trapping him will be no good and divorce might just be a bit too quick, don't you think? Why would a divorce help you in this situation? What will it give you? What will it achieve?
You love him, right. Help him then. Don't forget yourself in it all tho'. Give him his space and take your own, decide what you want in life and from life, take some time out and make the best out of the situation.
Good luck, i hope he does figure out what he wants, i hope that you can find your peace and place and happiness too.
2007-03-08 22:51:04 · answer #6 · answered by - 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
That's too bad, "smothered"? it doesn't sound good but I would leave the choice to HIM, tell him to be SURE because he will NOT be able to change back later. Then STICK TO YOUR GUNS. This is B.S., the mid life stuff is B.S. I don't know, you might be a witch with a capitol "B" but usually everyone needs to realize that just because you can't face life's transitions you can't just BLAME your wife and break up a marriage for no good reason. Tell him leaving you will not make him 20 again, that's gone forever.
2007-03-16 09:27:22 · answer #7 · answered by Gardner? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I say let him go. He has already done the therapy alone and then as a couple. I am sure you feel like you are left holding the relationship bag with no one relief in sight. Maybe this is what he needs. I suggest you getting some one on one counseling with a therapist yourself, if you haven't already. You letting him go might be the best thing for both of you; there is no reason you should sit around waiting for him to crap or get off the pot. Good luck!
2007-03-08 10:49:31 · answer #8 · answered by ESTamez 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you have a choice. Let him go and have his mid life crisis. He is taking you for granted.
He maybe either having an affair or wants to.
If you love him enough and he loves you enough your relationship will survive it. If not nothing you do will save it.
He sounds like a passive guy who has real issues with being dependent. Like it's your fault he is getting older!
No doubt he just wants to have some fun before he dies.
Can you accept this? Do you feel the same way somethimes? Is there a way to get him to see it's not your fault? Is he aware how much he is hurting you?
You will not keep him or have him love you by
allowing things to go on as they have been.
If it were me, I'd go out and take advantage of your freedom. Take him to the cleaners. Get in touch with old friends, make new ones, maybe date, get some hobbies, travel.
The problem as I see it is that women have to maintain their independence. They need to keep in touch with friends, go out and do stuff.
One man cannot fulfil all the needs of a woman and when we expect them to thay get resentful, feel choked and inadequate.
Go find that strong woman inside yourself.
She is in there. When he see she is back he may just have to get on line!
2007-03-16 05:30:47 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he loves you he does not need to move out. Even temporary separation does damage to a marriage. It sound like the therapist is not helping him. Thy could be leading him the wrong way. Marriage is a contract you don't walk away just because there are ups and downs. You both have to work on it.
2007-03-16 06:18:32 · answer #10 · answered by LDJ 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You love your husband despite his hurtful behavior. He loves you but needs to find himself. You identified the problem. He is having a mid life crisis. I just said to my love last night maybe we ought to stop calling this time in our life a crisis. It doesn't have to be. In this time in his life he is re evaluating his goals, deciding if he has accomplished everything in his life that he wanted to and blaming life for getting in the way of the grandiose plans he had for himself. Mid life Crisis is an adult adolescence. On some level he is trying to sow his wild oats. Don't be premature about filing for a divorce. If he does move to an apartment it would be wise for you to use this time to have your own "crisis" . Rediscover yourself.
2007-03-16 04:32:42 · answer #11 · answered by newyorktilson 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋