Problems with stepchildren.?

Question

i have recently married and i am having problems with my husbands Daughter, She is 7 and an only child and lives with her mother, my husband has her 2 days a week and every other weekend. her behavoiur is terrible, i have discussed this with my husband but he just thinks moving her out of the situation is the answer rather than dealing with the issue at hand. i have 2 children from a previous marriage they ae 13 yr old girl and 12 yr old boy, they cannot even be in the same room as her. Any suggestions, it has got to the point my husband has moved out of our home....

Answer 1

please dont let your kids run your lives, you will regret it if u leave him, i am in a very similar situation right now.

Answer 2

This is what happens when you marry someone who already has kids. Not good.

The reason his daughter is behaving like this is because she is a product of a broken home, a family, a mother and father. She is showing her emotions by acting it out in the home, which should tell you that she is very hurt with seeing her mother and father not being together or married as a son/daughter should see. So, instead, she uses this type of behavior. Because she now has two places to live. I really think that she will need counseling for all that has happened in her life.

Your husband is weak in this area to not want to fix the problems, but instead he walked out and ran away from the problems.

I really think to solve this problem, he needs to spend as much time with her even if it has to take her out of the home and doing something with her like taking her to the park, zoo, etc....just so they both can have that time together. He also needs to be her father and do what it takes to make her feel happy inside, because she is hurt and sad. He needs to take control of the matter in the household and be that leader he chose to be for you and your kids too. He also needs to explain to her as best as he could, and tell her that her behavior is not tolerated in the home, otherwise she would have to be sent to another room, because it wouldn't be fair for the other kids to see this and have her interrupt their day.

It is all about loving her and it is also teaching her to have respect for the people living in the home. She will not have it both ways, because there is no both ways anymore for her. She needs to learn to adjust to the new invironment....you as his wife need to support him on this. Do what you can to help....be her friend, but be patient with her, she has gone through a lot.

Answer 3

Your husband is always going to choose his child as you would your own. Blended families are alot harder than the traditional family. You also have to take into consideration that these children have been through divorces and remarriages without a voice in it all. They just have to deal with the choices their parents make. Sometimes the act out as a way of not dealing with it. You have to accept your husband and his daughter as a package deal just as he has to accept you and your children. It sounds like you all could benefit from some family counseling with emphasis on step families. Try to save what you have so that you don't make these 3 children go through another divorce.

Good luck!

Answer 4

Why don't you try taking the 7yr old out somewhere - just you and her? Perhaps treat her to some new clothes, cd, take her to the cinema etc. With youngsters bribery is always good! haha!

She probably hears her mother say bad things about you (I mean most ex wifes would about the new wife) so perhaps she feels loyalty to behave badly on her mothers behalf.

As an only child, your 2 children are also "competition" to her...she's not used to having to share etc.

I would perhaps try to make her feel a bit "special" so she thinks she has the upper hand. She'll soon calm down when she realised you're not the ogre she wants and expects you to be.

Answer 5

I agree with you to discuss this further with your husband and have him to deal with the issue at hand. Moving out or removing someone from the house isn't going to make things better. There's a reason she's acting out and as her father, that's his job to find out why. He might even have to discuss this with her mother, however if the two of you are going to continue keeping the family together, he's responsible to step up to the plate and fix things. Good luck!

Answer 6

Unfortunately there is no easy answer when it comes to "other peoples children"! We all have ideas on how to parent but none of them are right or wrong - we only do it "our way". The bottom line is you will not ever ever be able to convince your husband that his daughter is wrong and you are right! All you succeed in doing is drive that person away - as has happened in your case! Let him parent his daughter his own way - he will soon know if he makes mistakes - grit your teeth and say nowt! I know this cos Ive been in two relationships with my kids and theres and it always causes problems if you argue about parenting skills. Sorry to be blunt but its an unfortunate fact when its "other peoples children"

Answer 7

Oh man, I feel your pain!! I have 3 step-children, the 2 boys (12 and 8) live with us, and the girl (10) lives with their mom. At first they were unruly because I am not their mom and they thought they didn't have to listen to me. But as time progresses, they are learning that I am not trying to replace their mom, but just trying to be a part of their lives and hoping that they will love and accept me as much as I love and accept them. The way that I have dealt with their behavior is not by moving out of the situation (like your husband is doing), but by putting my foot down and letting them know that I am not going anywhere and they are just going to have to accept the fact that their dad and I are together now and there is nothing they can do to push me away. Sounds to me like the little girl is just testing her limits with you and her dad to see how much leeway he is going to give her and how much your relationship can handle. I think it is "Family Meeting" time, sit down, with the whole family (you, hubby, your kids and his) and discuss the whole situation at hand. Do not give him an ultimatum though (you know, It's me or the kid), because if he is a good Dad, he will choose the kid. Just let him know that you are willing to work the kinks out, and want to be one big happy family but you can't start working on it until he moves back home. Good Luck, hope it helps!

Answer 8

this is an issue that should have been resolved before you set up home together if at all possible.i know where you come from with this problem. my ex was the same with his sons when they used to visit (we didn,t split up because of them )they could do nothing wrong, it was myself and my teenage daughter always in the wrong. he sounds like he is scared of loosing contact with his daughter if he says no to her. he is just making a rod for his own back and yours if the situation is aloud to continue. you should see the child's mother and explain what is happening.if she is understanding it will help a lot if not you are in a bad situation and if you love your husband and want him back you may have to get the help of a professional .like socail services.

Answer 9

This child will test you and test you constantly , trying to find out if her dad loves her more than you. To her you probably are to blame for her dad not being there. Kids are notorious at manipulating their parents and will do so as long as you don't work together with your dealings with her.

Him moving out is not going to help her. She needs as much stability as possible. If by misbehaving she gets all this attention then she really has no reason to behave does she?

You both need to sit down and make up a list of rules that ALL the kids have to follow and consequences for not following the rules. and stick to it..

Don't get angry , stay calm, sit her and your kids down and just tell them how its going to be. If they see you both united then you have a better chance of them settling down.

Answer 10

I would suggest that the whole family attend family councelling - the councellor will usually see the children separately and then the parents and possibly all of you togther. It's worth a try. My husband couldnt deal with my teenage daughter living with us as he has no kids and no tolerence and she eventually moved in with her Dad which made me very sad, we could have worked it out.

Answer 11

I went through the exact same thing with my ex-wife. We ended up divorced and it took her 4-years before she called me and told me I was right. Sometimes you just have to set back and let people learn at their own rate. Your husband is in denial about his Daughter because he doe's not want to be the bad guy. And believe me the Daughter will use this to drive you two apart. I would suggest couples counseling if your husband will go. My ex would not.