Am I just being a jerk?

Question

Okay..long story short: My husband's entire family lives in Tunisia. From time to time, he sends them money here and there (which I have never had a problem with at ALL..in fact I've always supported the idea..)
Well recently we've been shorter on funds (what with our baby and the fact that we are working on his citizenship, which has cost us hundreds..) so we agreed to be extra careful.
Well, the biggest news is now his only brother in Tunisia is getting married. Well, my husband wants to send his brother about $1500 (!) to help with the wedding and stuff!! Here's my gripe: that's a lot of money to us! Also, OUR wedding only cost 150 freakin dollars as we were wed in City Hall!!!!!!! Now, he's accusing me of getting inbetween him and his family, and I think it's unfair! We have a baby boy that needs this more than his brother. His argument is that a wedding is the BIGGEST thing where he's from and that 1500 is A LOT of money to them, making me look selfish! I'm about to cry.

I think what really hurts is how I have always encouraged him to help his family and I'm being accused of being selfish! Also maybe it sounds mean, but I think he could have put 1500 into our wedding before his brother's..and I willingly gave up every girl's dream of a decent wedding just to make it easier on us financially. Frustrating!!

Also, he says it's HIS money and he can do as he likes, but we both work fulltime and both split the bills!

Answer 1

I'm an American married to a Tunisian and live in Tunisia (5+ years).

I can tell you from first hand experience that family is very important to them; much more so than in America. Here people live with their parents until they are married (unless their university is in a different city far away, but then they come back to their family every weekend and move back in with their family when they finish. Or unless their work takes them to a different city far away, but then too they come home every weekend.

In Tunisian society it is expected that whoever is capable (meaning who has more money at the time) helps out everyone else.

$1 is equal to 1.314 TDN and 1TDN equals $.76
http://finance.yahoo.com/currency?u

In 2005 my husband gave almost 2500TDN to help with his brothers wedding. (We too got married by a justice of the peace)

Last year his brothers wife had a baby and we gave them all our children's old things (crib, mattress, baby clothes, maternity clothes -everything) Plus on top of that my husband gave his brother a little over 3000TDN to help with expenses.

I understand where you are coming from, because we could have used the money for ourselves as well. At first it made me angry, but then I realized that this is the way things are done in his society and culture and I have to respect that.

And every month my husband gives his mom 500TDN. (It used to be 300, but his dad retired early due to health problems and until he reaches actual retirement age in 5 years they are short on money). He also gives his parents money for the doctors and medicine.

In case you haven't figured out, my husband makes the most money in the family! lol

What I'm trying to say is that it's okay to be angry and upset. Let him help his brother as long as it doesn't plunge you into debt. He'll be thankful to you for understanding where he's coming from, his family will appreciate that you respect their customs, and you come out looking like a rose!

I'm here if you need to talk or just want to vent. I've been through it all before (society/culture differences, religious differences, ALL of it.)

I wish you the best. Take care and good luck!

Answer 2

It does hurt and it hits deep and sad. Maybe you should try saving some money on your own without him knowing just to be on the safe side. Your wedding cost $150 and he's sending $1500, there's something not clicking in his head. At the same time, sit down and talk to him about savings for your baby. And just let him send all the money he wants, but again, save some money on the side without him knowing.

Answer 3

No, you are not being a jerk, you are just being wise. Your husband's first priority should be you and your son, not his family in Tunisia. He is not married to them, he is married to you. I really think he has his priorities all wrong.

He needs to stop rescueing his brother and the rest of the family out there. They are adults and should be able to support themselves. It's not you that is getting into the middle of his family, it is 'them' who are interrupting your family! Your husband has this all wrong.

If your husband doesn't see that you both are his priority and puts his brother and family first, then that shows you that he would rather care for them than you and your son. I am not sure if your husband is trying to prove something to his family with all the money he has, but he sure needs to get off that 'egotistical mind' of his and start using it on his own family like you and his son, because you two are now his family.

If he thinks that he has to fork out so much money to make himself look good in front of them, then he is doing it for the wrong reason. He is using money to win their love, rather than using words. So, it makes him feel good to just send them money, which is okay, but when it is over the limit, then there is a problem. Before you know it, they will be using him just for that and nothing else. I bet if he stops sending them money, they will stop contacting him. You see, it is all about money, and not the love and care they want from him.

Anotherwards, they are taking advantage of him by using him for his money. Your husband doesn't see that, and he doesn't care that it is affecting you in this way. He doesn't have any consideration on how you feel about this, otherwise, he would listen to you and do the right thing.

I would consider on reading, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage". His priorities should be you and your son. He is the selfish one and he needs to admit to himself that what he really is doing is wrong.

Answer 4

He needs to understand what marriage is. HE doesn't have anything. You BOTH do!! if you split the bills. Then you have a say in where your money which is mixed with his goes. i think your problem is not his family but the fact that he regards your relationship as second to his family at "home". Now i believe in family but not when your new family suffers. His priorities and communication is the problem. So is respect. when those issues are solved then this problem will be.
P.S. of course you shouldn't let him send that money. Put your foot down!!

Answer 5

Your are NOT being a jerk, and dont allow him to convince you otherwise. If Marriage is the biggest thing in HIS country, why did he not make your own wedding better?
And since you both work and split the bills, then he should only send HIS half, $750. Because you need the other half (Yours) for your son, him, and yourself.....which is no more than fair. He is being unreasonable. A partnership is a partnership. He should meet you in the middle!

Answer 6

If you feel that strongly about it, set up another account in your name only from now until the wedding where you'll put the $ from YOUR paychecks. Then, your husband can pay for your bills AND his brothers' wedding, and he will instantly see where you're coming from.
In the future, why not say, "Every year we'll give 10% to family... and no more".
Tell him when you renew your vows with $1,500 you may change your mind. YOU come first.

Answer 7

i think there might be more to it than what appears. sounds to me like he might be trying to impress someone- the brother, the parents, whatever.. the trick with men is you have to let them either
a. let them think they have the best answer
or b. let them go and go and go until it's blatantly obvious that they are clearly in the wrong.
i would be inclined to keep my mouth shut- how many weddings can there be, but i would be tempted to start "sending money to my family" i.e. squirrwling money into my own personal account.
if you brought the subject up very gently and he overreacted like that, then i bet he already has a clue that what he did was not too cool.

Answer 8

i think you should pick your spats. is this worth your man getting so up set over maybe he just wants his family to think he is doing well. or maybe .you are just mad because of the wedding you had if so tell him he can send the 1500 after he spends that much on a get a way for you and him or a new bed for your child or just let him have this one. sometimes its best to let the men win the little ones. or not its up to you just my thoughts

Answer 9

I'm only 16 but I'm on your side thats a lot of money and it would be better spending it on your son for his citizenship then on his brothers wedding...I mean he probably should still send money but he could cut that to a reasonable amount.

Answer 10

i don't think u're being selfish at all. he's the one that's the jerk. he has to remember that he has responsibilities, and that he has another family that needs the money the most! if he wants send money for the wedding the most should be $500 and get the rest of the family to pitch in with the money they should understand his situation and he should'nt be the only paying for the wedding.