my son does not wont to go to his dads any more what can i say to him?

Question

my son is 8 went he to see his dad for the weekend his dad talks about me in front of my son (his dad say that i'm a slag, *****, and i dont love my son). My son comes home crying because he has be told this from his and i tell my son that i love him very much and it hurts me to see my son like this, my son is my world and i dont know what else i can do. I have be to the court and we have to go back again soon. how can i help my son to get thought this.

please dont put me down i have be thought it for 8 years and you dont know me
if you got somthing nice to say then please do so
many thanks

Answer 1

I had the same thing with my sons age 8 and 10, the 8 year old has protested for years at having to go and to be honest i used to bribe, cajole and lie to him to make him go(telling him i was going out)as i thought it was in his best interests to have a relationship with his dad. 3 months ago it all came to a head with their dad treating them that way and they have point blank refused to go..this time i let them make the choice, but i told them that though i would support them they had to tell their dad themselves. knowing i was there to back them up they confronted him and he has never bothered trying to sort it out or see things from their veiwpoint, weve had a few turbulent weeks and some tears but they both seem much more emotionally settled now, than they were when seeing him. each situation is different but i would say you know in your heart when you making them go is as damaging as what there dad is doing and you know when enough is enough. in an ideal world we could sit down with our exes and iron it all out, but i know i couldnt do that as he sees me as the devil itself, as long as you can look yourself and your son in the eye and know youve done all you can you will be ok. the most important thing is to make your son know he has you to turn to, to cry to, and to make him feel safe again. I would definately ask the court to consider a reduction or supervision of contact for at least a little while, and maybe that will make your ex get himself in order. good luck

Answer 2

Depending on his maturity your son should be able to legally chose in court who he wants to be looked after by, and if he doesn't have to see his Dad if he doesn't want to. But their are age restrictions and i know for certain its more than eight, however there are accepts to this and it's up to the court to decide whether your son is mature enough to make such a big decision. I suggest if you can't do that then you calmly explain to his father that your son doesn't want to see him anymore and that that is his choice, so if he is any decent father he will respect his sons wishes.
I know how your son feels because exactly the same thing happened to me. Luckily it went to court for a short while, but was settled outside in the end. The main thing he'll probably want right now is reassurance, so keep reminding him you'll always be here for him and that you love him no matter what he decides. He may feel guilty for not wanting to see his Dad anymore, so keep reassuring him that he has good enough reasons not too- his obviously been through a bit, remind him that isn't his fault. Just make sure he knows it's his Dad in the wrong- not him. Good luck, i hope everything gets sorted soon.

Answer 3

That is so sad! Your son's father has no right to bad mouth you in front of your son! No matter what he feels about you should not be said in front of him, that is just wrong. I do not know what kind of terms you and your ex are on but maybe you should contact him and let him no that this is hurting your son and very unfair to him. If this does not work I would contact the court and try and ask what can be done about this situation. In some states I know that they do speak to the child. In the mean time try and talk to your ex or maybe even have your son try and speak to him. Unfortunately this is a very hard situation for an eight year old to be put in and I am sure very frustrating for you. Just let your son know that you are there for him and love him no matter what his father says. Good Luck to you and your son!

Answer 4

I know your son is only 8 years old, but what is his maturity level like? Do you think he would be capable of telling his dad that he would prefer not to talk about you at all during his visits? Obviously, no talk is better than negative talk.

You could talk to the father but it doesn't sound like you would have much success getting a positive reaction from him.

Although you may want to keep your son from visiting with his father, I'm sure you know that you can not legally withhold visitation because of his verbal abuse - as unfortunate as it is. If you are already going through the court process, I would talk to your lawyer and/or the judge about changing the visitation. At your sons age, they may or may not be willing to take his so-called testimony as many states think this is too young. However, they may suggest a review with a therapist.

Hopefully you can get the visitation changed to at least supervised visits so the dad won't be able to verbally abuse your son without a witness.

Hope this helps and good luck!

Answer 5

I have been in the same situation, but without the court part,

My son had a meeting with his dad with me there and he told his dad that he was not allowed to say things about mummy any more and he made him say sorry to me.........My son is 7, they know there mind at that age and they know right from wrong............he didn't see his dad for 2 months he made him suffer, I had nothing to do with his decision..

As for your son, ask him to write a letter to his dad explaining what he has done wrong, explain that it would be unfair not to tell him why he is not seeing him, and let his dad write him a letter back, this is what we did,

I think dads forget that when they were younger they could say what they wanted but now they can't, if his dad truly loved him he would do all he can to correct this mess

AS for the courts at least with the letter writing it will look like you are making an effort to bridge the gaps,

And with the letters it is not so confrontational for them, I now have to give my say a mobile phone to take to his dads so he can call me if he is upset, he has lost alot of his faith in his dad.......

I do wish you all the best, the worst the courts will do is send out a caffcass officer to access your child and see if what your saying is true so dint worry they have the child's best interests at heart

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Answer 6

Mykids are a bit older - 12 and 15 - but they also have times when they don't want to go see their dad and its hard!. Try to be positive, in yourself and also in what you say to your son. You need to carry on telling your son how much you love him and that what his dad says about you is not true without saying that his dad is a liar! (however much you think its true.) It doesn't sound like you could talk to his dad about it but if you are going to court again soon i assume you have a solicitor so make sure you tell the solicitor what is happening. It is so hard and really i have no advice except to keep loving your son and staying strong. As he gets older and knows how much you love him your son will understand that his dad is not telling the truth. He must be very confused at the moment cos he still loves his dad but is obviously upset by him. I am rambling i know but thats cos i feel sympathy for you cos i've been there. You must stay strong for your son.

Thinking of you and wishing you lots of love xx

Answer 7

What a very difficult situation to be in. I am not sure if you have to send your son to his fathers but if you do is there maybe a middle person who you could speak to and they could let him know how much this behaviour is upsetting your son. I can see you only want the best for your child and if you can then i think until your ex partner can sort out his behaviour keep your son with you. Remember this though when your son is grown and looks back on how both parents acted he will be ashamed of his father but he will look up to you and be proud to call you mum Good luck with this

Answer 8

I had a friend who had the same problem. Her son was not as old as yours, she was also in the middle of court with her ex. She started recording what her son would tell her about his dad's house when he got home. So she could bring it to court. Have you talked to your ex about this and how he's hurting his son? I'm sure he's not trying to. He wants to hurt you along with trying to convince your son that he's the better parent. (which we know that he's not!!) Good Luck I wish I could help more!!

Answer 9

If your son does not want to go then do not let him - your ex needs a good kick up the ar*e for speaking about you in this way. No matter what is going on between the 2 of you your son is all that matters and he should be keeping his opinions to himself. It sounds to me like he is trying to turn your son against you - does he want your son to live with him? Is that why he is doing it maybe. If you are in the UK and the courts are involved ask to see a CAFCASS officer and they will talk to your son and all this will go against your ex when it goes back to court

Answer 10

Make sure you bring it up in court. Let them know that your son doesn't want to spend time with his father because he degrades you in front of him. Tell them the father is upsetting the son. Get it on record. If it were me, I'd let my son decide. If he wanted to visit his dad, then he could, if he didn't I wouldn't push it. Keep re enforcing your love for your son. Remind him often how much he means to you. Remind him you love him. My 3 children and I never go one day without saying I love you. My youngest will come up to me out of the blue and say you know mom, I love you. It all comes from showing them you are there for them 100 % and that they mean more to you than anything else in the world. Showing them you love them and respect them is important. The father is just burning his bridge to his son. He's wasting time he could be building memories with his son by being and idiot. Don't let him get you down, and let your son know that dad is just mad and saying things to be hurtful. Your son will understand and will be grateful that you are being understanding.