dating a married man?

Question

I know it sounds so wrong...but that's not what it started out as. Some co-workers and I always go out and play pool or just hang out at the bars after work. And I was single and they both are married. One of them made it very obvious that he liked me and wanted more than friends and I told him that wasn't what I was looking for. The other one and I became good friends in a sense that we would just go hang out and have a great time. Ok, now remember I said they were both married...he says he's unhappy in his marriage and he can't really be himself and he loves hanging out with me because he can be himself, and we have so much in common. I don't expect him to leave his wife for me, but I don't understand how someone who is in a relationship and they're not happy can stay in it...we're both young (23) and I have never met anyone like him and he says the same about me...I just don't understand...

Answer 1

If he can't be honest with his wife, eventually he'll do the same to you. If he's a good person then he will leave his wife and start over because eventually he's going to cheat and she will eventually find out and if he stays with her then sooner or later kids will be born and the whole issue will get ten times worse. If you care for him, then don't be his enabler.

Answer 2

People normally don't get married on a whim. There is a lot of time, effort, emotion, etc. invested in a marriage. He isn't just going to throw it away just because you might be a better pool player than his wife.

Maybe since he's young, he thinks that his unhappiness is temporary and he can work through it. Maybe there are things about his wife that make him unhappy, but he still loves his wife and can't leave her. Maybe he's from a tradition that just doesn't believe in a divorce. There are several reasons why he may be staying in his marriage even though he isn't happy at the moment.

If you are his friend, why don't you tell him to spend less time with you and invest more time in his marriage? You said it yourself, you're both young. Maybe the reason you haven't met anyone like him is that you haven't looked around enough. Why are you limiting yourself to someone who may not ever be able to commit to you?

I wish you well.

Answer 3

It very well may be that he really finds you fascinating, wonderful you have so much in common, and gee he cannot believe how well you are together. He may be sincere with all of that, but but but if he is so unhappy why why why stay at such a young age? Chances are he is truly not happy but not unhappy enough to leave. Its a comfort zone. Maybe his wife takes care of things ship shape, maybe she is dependent and he likes that about her. or since he is cheating, maybe he likes her because he feels very sure she wont cheat. Most men think much more practically then women do about these things. If a woman finds another man that she feels so happy with, so much in common with, and she is truly unhappy at home. she will probably leave. Unfortunately men will not leave unless she is beating him over the head, he will think about the house, his finances, and gee in his mind he is saying what the heck, why cant I have both. The dutiful wife at home waiting for me,,and the fun woman to hang out with and finds me so interesting. You have to ask, directly, if you are so unhappy why are you there? Try to get your heart back as you will surely be very hurt here. You need to tell him, listen I like you alot too, but you are married, I feel sorry for you that you are so "unhappy" well then do something about it stop being such a coward. And call me when you have made that decision. We cannot get into the mind of this man. He could be thinking a million and one things. But you have a heart and you can love deeply, and you are loving the wrong man at this point. If a man or woman cheats it doesnt mean really they will cheat on you at all. Sometimes people grow apart or they marry the wrong person for them and suddenly they find the right person. Call him on his actions..and really pull back and think.

Answer 4

because you dont have the daily stress that marriage brings, the bills, etc. marriage is a partnership, 23 is young anymore, used to be you could be married at 15 years old and those people are now celebrating 50, 60 70 years together,,

now adays 50% or more of new marriages end in divorce,, what is the difference now than then? called working together,

you can be friends, I have a good female friend who is unhappily married 21 years, we talk alot, I am now single, we get along great, but if together, would we still be the great friends,, probably not,

best bet is to continue the friendship, even if he got divorced he still would be searching for something,

Answer 5

ok, it may all be great, and you guys may be the best of friends, heck maybe you're even "soul mates" if you believe that kind of stuff, but the bottom line is HE'S MARRIED. and no matter how much you try to justify it to yourself and to others, that's not right. it's just that simple, and you sound like you may know that deep within. if you continue this relationship, you are going to hurt someone. if he's really that unhappy, then he should decide what to do about that, but that's his decision to make not yours. and you should also think that every guy who wants to fool around with someone while married tells that someone that they're unhappy, and they play the martyr. you don't know the other side of the story. i would say drop this guy. if you don't, then accept the fact that you're playing with an adulterer, and accept the consequences. sorry, it's just not right.

Answer 6

Good for you for just hanging out with him and doing nothing else while he is still married. I would wait and see if he will really leave his wife before you move this to more than just hanging out. It sounds like he married too young, if he is really unhappy at home he needs to talk with his wife and maybe even leave. Good luck, it's a tough place to be.

Answer 7

Dont even bother!

He will just use you for sex. If he is unhappy let him deal with it. At 23 you have lots of time to meet the right guy. If that guy is the right one (and obviously he has poor judgement as he married someone he isnt happy with) then he will be in your life at a later point. Be strong. Stand your ground. You know its wrong being the 'other' woman.

Answer 8

Understand that HE'S MARRIED!, and that if you two are soo great, then he would of been filing for divorce already. It's what the elders says, when it's new it's always sweeter, but soon, just like his wife, you will be used and become old. He either be a man and stop the relationship with you or file for divorce ASAP.

Answer 9

Just be careful. I'd wait. For all you know his wife might think that you are trying to break them up. And if knows he's hanging out with you she might sue you if they get a divorce. Or she might get a better settlement if she tells the court he cheated on her with you even though he hasn't. You don't want to get mixed up in that. I liked someone who was separate from his wife for about 8-10 months and he had filed for divorce before we met. But it just didn't work out. Well, now I'm with someone new and the last guy is now finally divorced and started talking to me. So you never know. Maybe things aren't going to work out now, but you should just be careful that you don't get in the middle of something that you don't want to be. It could get ugly.

Answer 10

You're right, how can someone stay in a relationship if they are not happy. I suppose you would have to think about how you would feel if you were his wife....remember, there is always two sides to a story. He may very well be a great guy, why can't you and him start fresh, with no strings, or wife to contend with.

Answer 11

You poor girl. I'm not going to bash you, trust me. I've been in your shoes. I was 24 at the time. I'm almost 29 now and it's amazing what 5 years and the love of a decent man can do to your perception. There is not a day that has gone by that I don't regret the time I spent dating a married man. It was pure torture. He even left his wife to be with me, but nothing was ever right between us. All of our friends and family knew how our relationship came to be and we were never accepted. It put such a strain on our relationship and on my self-esteem. And now, 5 years and some morals later, I realize what a heartache I caused for his poor wife. Trust me on this, honey. You're playing with fire and you most certainly will get burned.