What can I do to overcame Psychological violence from my wife? Please help?

Question

She is bright and talkative; people like and enjoy to be with her, she likes to get to know men, she is the one to say hallo first. She has a not bad body though she is not a model.

I am quite sure that she ***** around. She lies to me in small things but dinies that she goes with other man.

When questioned she always answers with stones and she can be very violent. If words could kill I would be a dead man for at least 9 times these three years we are married.

She is a Kenyan and we got married like in a hurry because her visa was expireing (my huge mistake, I know) and since then we have a 'regular fight', specialy when she goes out alone and comes home with a smell of having emjoyed sex. It is a characteristic smell and this is enough evidence for me.

She talks with her sister, an alcoholic woman, in her mother language and said she would never ever speak English with her. The point here is that they are talking normaly and smetimes, suddenly she goes to the bathroom and lowers her vice like telling the sister to transmit some message to some guy. She has no male contacts in her mobil phone. The sis keeps them.
Other times they are talking and when I come in, they like change the subject. I do not understand the language but I heard it enough to figure out by the tone that they were either talking about me or about something I am not supposed t know.
I followed her three times and one time I just saw her talking to a Turkish married guy whom I came to know was her friend before we married.
She drinks a lot, 4 or 5 days a week, and on the week-ends, she can drink 4,5 liters beer or 3 liters wine plus a beer or 2. When she drinks whisky, she uses a 400 ml glass n mixes it 50/50 with water and in 1night she can drink almost a bottle

She denied to have met that Turkish but then I told her that somebody had seen her talking to a men, a common friend and the guy, so she couldn't lie anymore and said: ''Ah...! That guy? Oh, he was a veeery good friend of mine before we got married.'' But you have a veeery good friend and you never tell anything about him???!

Well, on the 31st Dec 2005 we went to a kenyan bar inauguration. We had some beers at another place, before, and we were just there having fun, and dancing.
I had to go to the toilet, she kept sitting for that moment. When I came into the loundge/bar, she was dancing puting her pelvis totaly forward, with her hands in a way like she was directing his penis to her vigina. The guy saw me and elegantely steped away. She had her eyes closed and I aproched her and asked why she had to dance with the guy like that. As usual she answered with stones and said she dances the way she wants with whom she wants, and that as a matter of fact 'she was not dancing with him'.

I can tell you more, I could write pages.

Nw, I love her. We have a lovely 2 year old boy. I do not want to live but I feel I have to. We are not married to my country as I didn't register the marriage in the consulate. We live in Germany and our marriage is recognised there and it is enough.

We had have a couple of counceling sessions and... gess who was turned the bad guy.
She has been manipulating even the neighbours so she can have allies.
If you could only experience what I have been gone through...!

What I get from this relationship is invalidation as a being, most of the times. And stress, and a duodenal ulcera.

Answer 1

i dont really know what to say to you but i noticed you had no answers and felt sorry for that. this marriage sounds awful..but you have two choices you either except her and all her many faults because it doesnt sound like she will change or you leave her.. i would say leave for your own sanity but im not sure you will do this..i know you love your son but could you take him with you, she sounds quite unstable and has aproblem with alcohol so maybe he'd be better with you... only you will know how much longer you can put up with this, but you deserve better. good luck

Answer 2

I have been married to the same man for 40 years. But the first 10 years of my married life were ugly and I was the one doing it. My husband just loved me........I dont know how he got thru the days.....
One day after we built our home and I looked at our new homw and 3 children I saw how much I was risking and how much I could lose, that was my awakening and the end of such behavior. I am not proud of those years but it gave me a much deeper love and respect for my husband, sometimes heartache can cause growth in character, my gran always said "That which doesnt kill you only serves to make you stronger" this is true of love, if you are the type of guy that can continue to love over and over, you might make it. If you become bitter and love dies there is not sence to stay, IF she is putting the children in any danger there is no sence to stay. You need help, a support group, a pastor, a doctor someone where you can "vent" and do the best you can in a bad situation.

Answer 3

You are the first man that almost made me cry. You are being abused in so many ways. I first would get a blood test for the kid you are claiming, because your happy hip wife might not know or care who the kid's father is. Then you should file for divorce and pull yourself together. It sound like she NEEDED to marry you. You are a hindrance to her sex life now. Do you not value your own life. Have you not heard of aids or STD that you could lose your life to, because of her cheating. She is the worlds biggest liar and she is not shame of it at all. Why are you killing yourself this way. Can't you see this woman need to be alone, release her back into the wild, where she came from. If not dying from aids, she will soon drink her self to death, if some man's wife doesn't knock her block off. Hold your head up and let this Jezebel do her thing and you go heal yourself.

Answer 4

It sounds like you and she were married for the wrong reasons and are now staying together for the wrong reasons. I understand that you have a lovely three year old son and I hoope that you would eventually stop the psycological abuse for your son's sake. You must know that the years of exposure to his mother's promiscuity and alcohol abuse is not healthy for your child. It might have been helpful for you to have known about the family structure in Kenya before you married this woman from Kenya. A survey of over six thousand women, ranging in age from 15 to 59, conducted in the second largest city in Nigeria showed that 60 percent of these women would be pleased if their husbands took another wife. Only 23 percent expressed anger at the idea of sharing with another wife. Seventy-six percent of the women in a survey conducted in Kenya viewed polygamy positively. In a survey undertaken in rural Kenya, 25 out of 27 women considered polygamy to be better than monogamy. These women felt polygamy can be a happy and beneficial relationship. Cultural differences here seem to be the problem. What you are experiencing as psycological abuse is in her and her sister's opinion is positive. I have no advice except to say that you must put the best interst of your child first.

Answer 5

What a horrible married life. You cant live like that.....I don't know the laws in Germany. But to get full custody and divorce.. You can hire a detective.. Or if you cant afford one.. do this...
1. get a diary started with dates and times
2. take photos of her being with men and the excessive drinking.
3. get a close friend to help track her movements get the evidence you need.. because you do have a kid and someone needs to be home with him.
4. Once you have all of this talk to a lawyer and show him what you have ... see if it can be used in court to help get custody of the child and a divorce.
5. this will help prove she is an unfit mother

You and your son need to get away from this women.. Kids pick up on things fast and you don't need your son to see this type of abuse.. It is abuse .. And you don't want him to settle with a person like this either when it comes time to marry. Its a bad example and it kids usually follow their parents foot steps in relationship's.

Yes this women is cheating... coming home smelling of men and sex... She can say what she wants but smell cant be hidden.. You think she would of cleaned herself off better before coming home.

This isn't love..not on her side.. it was convenience and perfect timing.

I wish you the best.. good luck with it... and hope in the future you find a person who will love you and your son to the max. With the respect you deserve.

Answer 6

She knows what to do to upset you. You have expectations and she will never meet them. So where do you go from there? Well, you have your child. Life will change around her and perhaps she will give you such clear cut grounds for divorce that you will be able to divorce with less bitterness and more consideration for the child. No matter what you think of your wife, to your child, she's just 'mommy' and that is what he sees.
You can go to a therapist or counselor with her or without her. She may end up getting pregnant or infected by one of these sexual encounters so protect yourself.
Time may change her. If you can afford to wait it out. Your son has plenty of time to 'wait it out' so I think you could try patience for oh, say, another 5 years. She'll get bored with her activities after awhile. She'll have to face the fact that 1) she does love you or 2) she doesn't. Either way, she will want to make a change in her life - and that's where change comes from - motivation!

Answer 7

She's almost definatley cheating on you babe, im sorry. Its sad coz you obviously love her. She sounds like she has a problem with the booze, this might cloud her judgement about some of her decisions. This however will not excuse the act.
You need to ask yourself can you live with this. I think the realistic answer is no and even if you dont split up now you will sooner or later so its up to you when. Your son is young now it'll hurt him less to get it done early but your relationship may suffer. Baring in mind staying toether in a unhealthy relationship will hurt him more.
good luck

Answer 8

I truly think that you need to help some advice from someone higher then this!! She has a drinking problem first of all! Second she is a big liar which you caught her in many times! And third if you feel she is cheating with all your heart then she probably is!!! If she doesn't not what to get advice with you then you need to resort to a divorce because the only one in your relationship that is gonna get hurt if this contuines is your son!

Answer 9

Bad vibes come through on this one. You two need to have a serious talk and might need a third party to sit in, like a counselor. She is treating you like what she does isn't your business and you are acting like you are going to put up with this behavior forever. When you try to put a foot down, she backs you off with her tongue. It's not good for you and it truly isn't good to have a child see this and think this is the way two people are supposed to act with each other. If there is love there, you have to fight for it and, if there is not, you have to put an end to this before you end up truly hurting each other and your child.

Answer 10

What is wrong with you you really need to give her the boot!!! She treats you that way because you let her!!! There are alot of women out there who are faithful!! She really has the wool over your eyes!! You can still see your son you could probably even get joint custody . I know it's hard to leave someone you have alot of memories with but when is enough for you? What kind of influence is your relationship having on your son?