How do I tell my 3 & 5 yr old that I had a miscarriage & the baby is no longer in my tummy?

Question

My children were very connected to the baby that was in my tummy. They were both looking so forward to having a baby brother or sister. How do I explain it to them that mommy had a miscarriage and the baby is no longer in mommy's tummy? Does anyone have any suggestions of how to word it properly so that they can understand it? Research has told me not to use the words "dead, died, God, got sick..." because they would only remember negative things related to God. Or if they get sick, they too will die. Or they will only remember the word "dead".
Any suggestions would be helpful. Thank you.

Answer 1

Gather your family together and tell your sons that the baby has died. They will naturally have questions. Be ready to answer these as truthfully as possible. While there is no need to tell them more detail than what they ask, be willing to address their questions about what went wrong honestly. If the placenta stopped working, or there was a problem with the baby's health, let them know that. If you do not know, tell them you are not sure.

Explain that sometimes nature miscarries for reasons that are unknown. For example, you may plant tomatoes and not all of them come up. But mostly they do! If you have a spiritual philosophy or religious orientation to create a meaningful context for this experience do not hesitate to verbalize this, too. You and your husband may also wish to have a ritual for saying "goodbye," which may involve the children, too. Planting a tree, shrub or flowers in honor of your lost baby may also be helpful.


Other suggestions and experiences:
http://www.pamsupport.org/pam.php?show=resources&data=Faq1&a=13

http://www.pregnancyloss.info/

Answer 2

First off, I am very sorry to hear of your loss. This is no doubt a tough time for you and your husband. If it were me, I would sit my children down and say, "Name and Name, daddy and I need to tell you something very important. I know we were all looking forward to having a new brother or sister, but sometimes it just doesn't work out. Sometimes there is a problem that doesn't allow the baby to keep growing. When this happens the baby can't be born. For some reason your brother or sister has stopped growing and the baby is no longer in mommy's tummy." They will undoubtedly have questions and all you can do is try to answer them the best you can. No one knows your children better then you and try to tailor your answers accordingly. When I have something difficult to tell my children and they ask questions, I take my time answering, sometimes I'll ask them what they think, to get a feel on their perception. Ask them how they feel, sometimes they won't have an answer, sometimes they do. I would tell them it's okay to be disappointed and sad so that they can grieve. I think it's very important to let our children grieve in their own way and encourage it so we can lay the foundation for the future. If my children cried, I would cry with them, and tell them sometimes things just happen and thats okay. I would tell them how fortunate we are to have eachother, and how much I love them. Again I am very sorry to hear of your loss.

Answer 3

Because your children are so young, they have a very limited concept of what death actually means. Telling a child that young that their baby brother/sister died is something they just will not get.

I would suggest reversing whatever story it is you told them about the pregnancy to begin with. Some parents use things like "Daddy and Mommy planted a seed in Mommy's belly" or a similar analogy to avoid discussing sexuality (which children that age also do not understand). If you used something like this to explain it, you could explain that the seed did not grow, but that you might try to plant another one later when you are ready again.

Using the same concept for explanation will help them connect the loss with the beginning, helping them to understand it, but not in a traumatic way.

I hope this helps and I am very sorry for your loss.

Answer 4

Well, I have not had a miscarriage, however my children's father died last year in a motorcycle accident. At the time they were 7, 6, and 3. It was incredibly difficult, and although this is not the same situation exactly, there are similarities.

Try to be as simple as possible, just simply saying that the baby had to go to heaven. As they have more questions, get more specific, but a lot of times, they are not ready to handle quite all the truth. Just let them know that you love the baby very much, and that you love them very much, and that you will work through all this together. If you have a grave for the baby, not sure if you will, go out there when the kids want to. We go to their dad's grave whenever any of them want to, but only the ones who want to get out of the car do, otherwise the others stay in the car.

My kids still struggle with this very much, and I spend a lot of nights awake with at least one crying child. Just have patience, it will all be okay, just make sure to take care of yourself during this very difficult time, and remember that it is not your fault. I wish you the best of luck, and am truly sorry for your loss.

Answer 5

When I miscarried, I told my boys that the baby was not strong enough and that it was in heaven now. Of course they had a lot of questions. Just answer them honestly. My boys still ask about the baby a year and a half later. Luckily for me, I became pregnant shortly after. Needless to say I did not tell my boys until we were safely through the first trimester.
I am sorry for your loss. You just have to remember that these things happen for a reason. I know how heartbreaking it is, but I think it would be even harder to bring a special needs child into the world.
I wish you the best of luck in telling your children. It is very hard, but it will come to you. Children are smart, be honest.

Answer 6

My cousin suffered several miscarriages (at least 5!!) and had to explain them all to her older child (who is now 5 1/2). She would tell her daughter that the baby decided that he wasn't ready to leave God yet and wanted to go back to heaven. After the first miscarriage, each time she got pregnant, they told their daughter about the baby, but cautioned that the baby still hadn't decided if he wanted to stay with the family or go back to God. Her daughter took each miscarriage very well, and now also has a 2 year old sister and a brother who will be here within the next week or two! I am so sorry for your pain and loss.

Answer 7

First of all, I am deeply sorry for your loss! My sister in law faced this same sad dilemma recently. She told her 2 children (ages 2 and 3) that the baby was being taken care of by their grandma in heaven for now (obviously their grandmother is deceased) and that grandma would take very good care of the baby for them. If you have a relative or someone that the children knew that has passed away, this might be a good solution for you. It really helped when she got pregnant again (successful pregnancy this time) a year later- the kids just thought that their grandma was done "babysitting in heaven" and had decided to send the baby to them.
Hope this helps!

Answer 8

So sorry for your loss. Its so hard to explain anything to young children, especially about this. When you tell them, as hard as it may be, try to put a smile on your face and act excited and say guess what. "The baby angels needed a baby in heaven to help them, and because our baby was not ready to come out yet, the baby angels asked if the baby could go with them to help them in heaven". They will think the baby did such a nice thing and because they see your not sad, they wont be sad. Kids are so resiliant that within even a couple of hours or days, they will forget about it. Remember their moods feed off ours, if you say it with a smile they will respond, and good luck and God Bless.

Answer 9

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My husband and I just experienced a loss as well. We chose not to tell our three year old because I was not yet showing and it was my first trimester. This is very difficult. I would contact a child psychologist and ask them or follow up with some research at the local library. Each child of course is different and as their mother only you can know the words that they will best understand. Sometimes a cousulor can help determine the best ways to communicate such a tragedy to children. God bless.

Answer 10

If you believe in God and heaven, and you're children do too, then I think the best thing to explain is the truth. My daughter is almost 3 and we've had discussion related to things on TV or cartoons about people who die and go to heaven with God and the angels. Try explaining that the baby went to heaven. And when they ask why..... simply tell them that you don't know. I'm sorry to hear this happened and pray for you and your family.