Can you please give me some advice?

Question

My husband and I have a great relationship except for the "sex" part. He never wants to have sex. If its during the week he is always tired, don't feel good.....ect. The weekends we might have sex once, but I am talking me pleasuring him and then wham bam, we are done. I don't understand. When we were first dating, he wanted me all the time and made me feel so desirable. Now I feel like he doesn't find me attractive. I have had other people tell me that I am pretty or whatever. I really don't think he is cheating because there are no other signs (at least not that I am aware of). I have told him how I feel, that I feel like he doesn't find me attractive. He says he loves me, he just isn't in the mood or whatever. He is 43 and I am 33. Please give me some advice. Don't say its stress, because who ain't stressed.

I would appreciate sincere answers ~ Thank you so much.

To Greg, Sir Hard, Rich2481 and Common

My husband and I have been together almost 10 years, we have had great sex in the past - I can't get answers to my questions if I don't give a little detail- He is not overweight, he does work hard - I have been more than understanding and I just want my husband to want me - what is so wrong with that?!

Answer 1

Hello. Maybe he is just in a comfort zone and is used to you....I do not mean that in a bad way or as a bad reflection on you. Sometimes we take people for granted after awhile and some people, once they are married awhile, feel they "got you" and do not have to woo you anymore. Bad mistake on those person's part. He has to step up to the plate. Maybe you two can have an agreed upon night once or twice a week to meet up on some mutual loving. Try relearning about each other over again. Start out where all you can do is "make out" with clothes on, no intercourse, then move up to making out no intercourse, and then oral on each other, no intercourse.....working the nights up to where you are pulling out all the stops- anything goes.....maybe this will help you guys.

Good luck to you both....sexaul intimacy between two married persons is truly a gift. Sometimes people forget that.

Answer 2

Although I think most people (both men and women) think along these lines but if you delve into the psyche of this it makes sense. I think that sometimes we become very complacent in our lives. After being together for 10 years, I wouldn't necessarily say that the sex has grown bad. i think that as we get older we find that we don't perform as much in this area as we'd like. Now...when you two were first dating like anyone else. The sex was new, fresh and exciting. Remember, it was a novel experience because you both were new to one another. Ahhhh...remember those times? I sure do. Not with you of course but my wife and I were no different than you guys and we've been married for 23 years.
So i think we become more comfortable with one another and don't really think that saying "I don't feel like it this evening" is such a hardship. Its a good reason now to think and re-evaluate before we say "no".
Also...security and comfort settle in and take the place of the physical end of the relationship at times. Hopefully not completely. So...I sincerely doubt that its that he finds you unattractive. Sometimes candles, oils, white, lacy attire (black or red for me) and acting as though you're the greatest seductress or courtesean in all history may work wonders on him if he doesn't look like he'd be in the mood. The nice thing about being male is that in most of our cases our hormones can go from 0 to 100 in a millisecond.

Good luck and have fun. plus...love your comment about "Who isn't stressed"

Answer 3

You know, you could have left out the details of your sex life and just said that you two were having some intimacy issues.

Which makes me wonder... do you take time for simple intimacy (holding one another, a nice warm smile, etc?). Maybe something is missing. You seem pretty focused on the sexual aspect of things,and it makes me wonder if you are neglecting simple romance and intimacy, giving him room to be himself, compromising every now and then, etc.

There's nothing that will kill those romantic feelings for a partner like being bossed around, being treated like your interests or feelings aren't important, or feeling like the other person mostly has to have things their way all the time.

--updated info: Relationships take work (I'm an expert on why they end from experience), so... people stop grooming well, have negative attitudes, are bossy and uncompromising, stop growing as individuals, etc... and they become less interesting to each other.

So... you gotta make an effort to get out of the rut: take care of your appearance and fitness, take up a new hobby or interest, get out and do new things together every once in a while (create new romantic memories--but just go into it as a way to do something new because you are stuck in a rut).

A good attitude, good character, affection, confidence, and a little romance every now and then keep things going. I know because I have seen how things end far too many times.

Answer 4

As you get older and as your relationship gets older people get complacent. Plus I don't know about you but I'm tired after a day's work.Sometimes the lack of sex is a sign of something wrong in the relationship but not always. People get fatter and they just don't try as hard. He could be depressed. Sometimes it's literally a physical change such as chemical makeup. Why don't you try to be more proactive in things? I'm sure he will be happy to just lay there and enjoy. He may just need a jump start. If he still doesn't want to have sex then respect him and his wishes. Think about if it was you that didn't want to have sex and he was always on you. Just make sure you have open communication about what's going on so that it doesn't hurt your emotional relationship.

Answer 5

Maybe he is loosing his edge and is not comfortable talking about it. Find a friend or a doctor to give you a sample of Calais or Viagra and tell him that a girlfriend that always brags about how great it is for her and her man gave it to you. If nothing else, he will have to walk around with a distracting chubby all day if he doesn't want to do it. If he doesn't, then he probably is too tired or you got real problems.

Answer 6

honestly your both at a weird age. At43 men slow down in the sex dept. at 33 women are coming into their craziest sex stage where we want it all the time and can never get enough. We turn into horney 18 boys. Its fabulous when you have a willing partner but if you don't it can lead to big trouble. You have to sit him down and have a super serious talk about this. He has to be aware of the significance of this to you. Get him a book if you have to or your odds of going outside your marriage for sex increases on a daily basis

Answer 7

Have you really tried to stimulate up some sexual desires in him?
Have you tried all the usual stuff that men can not usually refrain from "dressing up etc etc?
I like you, would really start to worry if my fella did not want me in that way.
I would maybe feel does he still love me.
Cos you said like it is a wham bam kind of thing
maybe he is having premature ejaculation
and he is ashamed of himself, and it has nothing to do with you.

Answer 8

you really do not describe him, is he over weight? he should get a physical, otherwise I would suggest buying yourself a toy, and stop giving him oral sex, as you say we are all overstressed, but I would love a woman who would do it 4-5 times a week, both of my wives we were active in that aspect, I cant imagine a man whos wife is 33 ( you are at prime age A true MILF) not wanting to have sex,

it really sounds more like a ED problem, do you know if he masterbates alot, alot of people who masterbate alot dont last long, during intercourse.

Answer 9

control- we have a problem, a guy that is 43 and not Honey, honey you got a problem, I am 41 and I have sex three to four times a week and still have to masturbate during!! you don't want to here stress but that really could be the problem, he needs to see a doctor, it could be a quite a few things, his body could not be producing enough testosterone! Or you could be a lousy lay, or you just don't give it to him the way he likes, so it is more work than it is worth, you need to really talk to him and demand he seek medical attention!!

Answer 10

Frankly, it has nothing to do with you. He is at "that age" where things just can go south; testosterone decreases, and he could also be a bit depressed. Encourage him to go see a urologist for hormone testing and information. Be really supportive, and don't nag. Make sure he is open to talking with you - and make sure you listen. Don't make this about you, it isn't. It's about him, but you have to totally be there for him.
My hub is 10 years older than me, too, so I know the types of things you are going through.