babys almost here...and the inlaws....?

Question

Im 37 weeks and have to have a c section on the 20th. My ENTIRE pregnancy my inlaws have been horrible...sending me nasty emails picking fights telling me My wedding was (white trash because we had alcohol there) And being mad at me because when we (being my hubby and me) have the baby i told them NO one else was to be in the room but him(this pissed off the MIL and she cried because i wont let her see the birth of her grandchild) Also that we wanted like 2-3 hours before we have visitors so that my hubbby and I can have some time with our bran new baby!
Ettiquette wise....is that rude to say you dont want visitors for that long? They told me it is and that im cutting family out of an important time...but i feel very strongly about having those hours to bond as a family(its our first)

Also, they have been on no speaking terms with me since November of '06 other than the nasty emails and voicemails ect and only talk to my hubby and only invited him to family dinners and such.

Now that they have found out the baby is almost here they are calling and say they want to make up so they can be with the baby. I dont think thats fair at all that they can be so horrible my ENTIRE pregnancy then when the baby is almost here show up to "talk it out" and give us baby presents.
What do i do? How can i stick to my guns i dont even want them to hold our lil baby....how can i get over it?

Answer 1

My in-laws do this, too. It sounds exactly like them, right down to the "white trash wedding" remarks. They don't like anyone! Don't worry about etiquette. When you are in the hospital recovering from birth, you are excused from considering anyone else's feelings. Your husband can ask them to respect this. My in-laws forgot about all their nasty remarks about going to the hospital when they held the baby for the first time. It's still a strained relationship, but it's come a long way from the days of not speaking to each other. I hope you decide to listen to any apologies they offer you. They may be nuts, but they did raise the man you love. This will work out for you.

Answer 2

I say not answer or read their emails. Its not worth the stress during the last few weeks of pregnancy. You need all the rest you can get and becoming stressed is not rest. My Inlaws are very rude too. Just remember that the core family You and your husband and the new baby are the only things that you need to focus on.

It was only my husband and I in the delivery room. It is stressful and hard enough without other people there. Your mother in law more than likely( unless your husband was adopted) witness a birth before. your husbands birth, there is no reason for her to be there or anyone there beside the medical staff you and your spouse.

They made their decison let them suffer. Keep in mind that they probably will call during the c section wondering if you have had the baby. Turn off your phone in the room. Make the day a peaceful one. If they come to see you have the nursing staff say that you are not acceping visitors.

Answer 3

Sounds like you are having fun....seriously, I was in the same position only I was dealing with MY mother. There are no easy answers here.

After you have your c-section (only your hubby should be in the room for that) you will go to recovery until you are ready to be moved into a room that time will be dictated on how fast you recover from the spinal or epidural (I did spinals with all 3 of mine with no problems) In case they didn't tell you, you will still get the hormone "shivers" while you are in recovery. I never held any of my babies then...I always had my hubby hold the baby. Then while you are being moved to your room the baby will go to the nursery for observation & tests....this usually takes a couple of hours. So it is best if visitors don't even come to the hospital to see you & baby until early evening or the next day anyway. You should be able to explain that to them without argument.

Follow your heart. Maybe they have decided that their grandchild is worth taking the step and making an effort to change and have a relationship with you. If that is the case you should bend a bit for your child's sake...that child will need and should know his/her grandparents. This doesn't mean you have to be best friends or bow to all they want. Just find a bit of peace & harmony. Trust me I know it's hard.
Having a baby is one of the most precious moments of your life....one that you should share with your husband. I know the wonder of it and how close my hubby & I were each time....and we told everyone to stay away with daughter 2 & 3 after the pain in the neck everyone was the first time. We told them we wanted to be alone and they were more than welcome to join us the day after...it worked really well. Funny...today is my oldest's 15 birthday and I was just remembering.....Good luck Sweetie...and congrats on your new family. Treasure these moments, they grow up too fast!!

Answer 4

Its totally fine that you don't want her in the delivery room, thats a special moment for you and your husband, and well she really doens't need to be around during a private moment, theres enough people looking there already.
As for visiting, a couple hours alone is fine, you both will need time to rest, but you have to understand that they will eventually come, and you can't stop them from coming. If they know your being scheduled for the 20th, they may show up and be there the moment you walk into the room, you have to accept that, you don't want a fight the first thing after deliverying your baby. If that happens, let them stay, then ask after a while if you could have some time alone, you need rest. You let them in, now you can be nice and ask them to leave, nothing wrong with that, and they may respect the fact that you need rest. Its your husbands family and if he is caught in the middle it will cause so much stress for him, he may start backing away from either his family or you. Family is number one and you don't want him feeling that he has to chose cause chances are he will pick his mother, thats his family for life. I know his child is as well but in many cases wifes/girlfriends come and go. So be careful, you don't want this fight pushing him away from you. Try your best to just forgive and you will never forget but at least try and see if something can work between you for the sake of your husband, and if not, well you tried. Good luck though, and congrats.

Answer 5

I am really sorry you have had all this stress during a time that should have been wonderful for everyone. Sometimes the anticipation of a new baby puts a strain on relationships especially if they were not great to begin with (which is what it sounds like based on the wedding).

Two recommendations:
1) Meet the parents for dinner somewhere. This way they will not make a scene. Try to smooth things out. It would be helpful for your sake if it was calmer before the birth. I would try to calmly explain that this is your child that you are going to protect and that you are in no way threatening them but you are not willing to have the baby in a hostile environment. So it is critical to make peace for everyone's sake.
2) Hold your ground for private time with the baby post birth. Just so that you know, the parents can wait in the waiting room and you can let them see the baby after you have had some time to bond and are in recovery after the c-section. I have had 2 c-sections and you do need some recovery. It will make them happy to be the baby ASAP and tell them this is a compromise to be thoughtful of their feelings...

I realize this means you are going have to swallow a lot but I think if you can make peace before the birth it will help you be calmer going into the birth. No one should have that kind of stress before hand.

If the in-laws are terrible and you think they can not have a rationale conversation like this and meet you 1/2 way, I would ask your husband to explain that he will not put you and the baby in a stressful situation like this and that they need to treat you with respect and respect your wishes as the parents of the new baby. And that if they can not, they will not see the baby until they can compromise on the relationship.

Best wished on a smooth delivery and speedy recovery from the c-section. Don't do too much too soon! Take care.

Answer 6

Well, sounds like you have your hands full with the in-laws. I think you are right in requesting a period of time for your "new family". I don't feel that's it's rude at all. Your in-laws need to understand that you and your hubby are the parents. And you do have the right to request that only he be there at the birth. It's your right if you want no one there. You must realize, though, that this is their grandchild and they will want to see the baby, hold it, etc... And it's better that you work out a relationship with them anyway. After all, you are married to their son.

So, accept any type of a hint of an apology regarding the last few months, and try to build a relationship with your child's grandparents. Stand your ground, though on what's important to you (ie: the 2-3 hours after birth, who's allowed to witness the birth, etc..).

Good luck and I hope everything goes well with you and your new family.

Answer 7

There are obviously some boundary issues that need to be addressed here, but what I would do is this: next time you go for your weekly check-up, tell them the date for your c-section has changed, it's now about 10 days later. Then call them several hours after you have the baby and say, "well, my water broke, so we had to go in today!". Then, it's not your fault (lol!), and you get that special time the way YOU want it.

Both my mom and MIL live in the same town with us, and when I had my second child we called them both the next day. MIL was okay with it. My mom did not want to speak to me for a few weeks, but she got over it. No way was I going to have people other than my husband there, that's just how I am. You are the one giving birth, you get to have it YOUR way, sweetie. Put your foot down, right now, before they think they get to have any say about anything else in the child's life.

Answer 8

A couple things,you need to know and or understand. Your husbands parents will always be his parents, you dont have to go out of your way to please them but you do have to learn how to live with them. Babies and deaths have a way of bringing families together, try to start over best you can and be nice. If they still treat you badly then at least you tried.
Next thing is a lot of women dont want their in laws, their parents etc in the room while their having a baby. This is between you and your husband not a family thing. They didnt like the way you planned your wedding, pick fights, send nasty emails being nice after that wont be easy but for the husband at least try. If they cant act right after you try, point and laugh while you iggy them out of your life. Sometimes you just cant fix stupid.

Answer 9

I think that you have a right to have whoever you want in the room when you deliver and if you don't want them in there then they should respect those wishes. I take it that you and your husband agree on the couple of hours alone with the baby before you have visitors and if that is the case I would have him talk to them about it. He is your husband and he should support you and your decisions. If they have a problem then it's there problem not yours. They are telling you that you are being rude just to make you cave, don't give in stick to your guns there will be plenty of time for them to see the baby afterwards.

Honestly I am suprised that your husband lets them treat you this way, but that is between the two of you.

Answer 10

I kind of understand how you feel...except i always got along with my inlaws...however when the baby was 10 days old, my mom and MIL came to stay with us for 3 weeks-1month (both from Newfoundland and we are in Ontario). These few weeks were hell!! MIL always holding the baby and my mom hardly got a chance, plus I hardly had her except in the middle of the night...which was our alone time, but MIL got up sometimes and just sat and watched us...It totally pissed me off...and I'm sure by the time she left she felt it, but I never said anything. Have seen her twice since and now our relationship is strained...I wish I had said something at the beginning. I would stick to your guns. Let them know you do want your baby to know them as they are family but stick to only you and your husband in the delivery room...its a very special time and I am sooo glad it was just my husband there to spend it with me...also, for after the baby is born...DO NOT let them take over...you don't have to be rude at first, just explain why you don't want them to do something...but if they don't listen...be more firm and do what it takes. Also, if you husband talked to them would they listen better to him?? Have him say he supports your decisions and you have made these decisions together. Its a hard situation you are in and I don't envy you that. Good luck...and I will be thinking good thoughts for you.