I want to go, but if I don't, I'll hurt my soulmate...?

Question

I've been married almost 2 decades, the last few years unhappily. Lack of affection, intimacy, common ground/pursuits, and generally tired of the "bickering" we have instead of fighting. Two great kids, both in grade school. I fell out of love a while ago, but I was hanging in there, hoping things would get better. Ended up browsing Yahoo Personals and eventually met someone. I've fallen in love with her, I feel like she's my counterpart, my twin if you will. Everything that was wrong with my marriage is fulfilled with her, and I can't imagine not being with her. Things came to a head at home, and my wife and I have finally discussed my feelings. She wants to try to make it up/change, seek counseling. I don't feel like her soulmate anymore, if I ever really did. I don't remember what made me fall in love with her.

I haven't admitted to finding someone else, and don't think I should...I'm lost, and want to go to counseling if only to help express all my pent-up thoughts to my wife, hoping it'll make her realize we're not really soulmates, even if she is convinced of it. What should I do?

OK, the responses have een good, but to further clarify...the woman I have found...we've been seein geach other IN REAL LIFE for over a year. Bills and daily mundane life have nothing to do with it, "Dino S"...it's about how your feelings have changed for the person you *thought* you loved, but if the IN LOVE part is GONE...how do you reconcile it? If you feel like a roommate, or like a brother...that's a different kind of love, born of closeness, bonding, but not necessarly romance or affection. I still love her, but just don't feel in love anymore, and like I said...how can you MAKE yourself fall in love?

Answer 1

Be honest with her, the marriage and love that was once there still deserves that respect. She cannot blame you for feeling like this, she probably fears being alone and has more of a comfort around you. try talking things calmly with her maybe do an activity together, for example try writing donw things you enjoy and things that used to enjoy, like this you can see how it went wrong. Assure her that life will go on for her and even for yourself that being with the new found love or alone. If she still insist on seeking counseling and you want to do this for her, then go along with it but remind her that a counselor nor a person can make feelings grow again. Love is not reborn... but is kept once it is touched. Hope everything works out for both of you. Good luck with your new future and always smile!

Answer 2

I'd say you have already made the decision by your actions. Once you've looked outside your marriage, why prolong the agony for your wife that is going to happen anyway. Are you wanting to pursue the counseling to point fingers and justify your reasoning for finding someone else? Regardless of the outcome, you know your wife will label you as being responsible for causing the divorce as soon as the new woman becomes public to family and friends. This will just be a lesson in the consequences of your actions. You divorce first then look for someone else not the other way around. Accept that you will get the blame, take your lumps to your reputation, and divorce your wife.

Answer 3

Okay, stop what you're doing. You promised this woman that you would stick it out with her for better or worse. Guess what, buddy, this is the "worse" part. She is willing to try and you need to be there for her.

You have control over you. Love is a choice. You have to determine within yourself to love your wife again. You can do it. What you've written in your question is all about you (except the mention you make of hanging in there for the kids). It's time to think of this woman who's probably given you the best years of her life. Now you think that you can just choose to trade her in for a "soulmate." She's not your soulmate. Of course she's perfect. You haven't tried to pay bills with her, you haven't tried to struggle to make ends meet, you haven't awakened to her morning breath. She's perfect, because that's all you've seen so far. That's very unfair to the one who's been there for you and has accomplished so much with you. Don't throw it away for the unreal. If you do, you'll be back on this board in two years asking us how you threw away something so good for something that was not real, or the question may be, "What was I thinking?!" And we'll reply, "We have no idea."

Answer 4

Be honest with yourself and her. Don't rush these things. Talk things over with her. Tell her exactly how you feel about things. Tell her about the other woman. But make it clear you haven't cheated (I am assuming you did not.) Tell her you just can't deal with the way things have been going. Talk to the "soulmate" as well. She may have some input.
The best advice I can give : Follow your heart.

Also. Make sure the soulmate knows exactly who you are. Tell her everything! about you. Make sure she knows your situation. And maybe she can help you through it :) Good luck.

But just so you know. I do feel that you should try to stick it out with your wife. She was there for you....Be there for her.

Answer 5

First of all, you need to be honest with your wife and tell her that you don't want to continue with the marriage and you don't want to try counseling. Second, you should file for divorce and move out of the house. Since you are the one abandoning the marriage, she should get the house. Third, you should begin dating this woman. Not online, in person. Make sure she knows exactly what your situation is. It's called being mature.

Answer 6

There is no such thing as soul mates. Tell online budd to cool it and try counselling. See how things go. You have to try so if things don't work out you can honestly say you gave it your best and you'll be able to tell your kids that too. You may save your marriage and if not you'll be assured you made the right choice to leave

Answer 7

have u meet this lady n person yet, if not u may think she is ur soulmate, but in reality she may she b ur fantasy, either way ur not happy with ur wife, seek counseling with her if u think it will work, if not get out, take some time 4 ur self, stay friends with the lady u met online, but not more, take it slow, time will tell if she is really ur soulmate, u may come 2 realize ur wife really is & remember y u married her & fall back n love with her


Good luck!

Answer 8

well I'm sorry to say this but its easy to fall in love but its hard to stay in love and if you fell out of love its cus you didn't work at it and you both didn't comprise enough

and I'm sorry but this girl your talking to is not your soul mate tons of people go out and find that they connect with other people and so they cheat or end it and get into a relationship and find that they have the same problems with the new person
you will have the same problems with the new girl
its called marriage it sucks sometimes

but you need to get this girl out of your head and try to make it work with you wife

i asked my fiance once "what if we get married and then you find the girl you were really meant to be with what if you find your soul mate ?"

and do you know what he said " well then i will love you forever and ever cus i loved you enough to marry you and if i marry someone i will be completely faithful the that girl no matter what"
and that's i said yes to him when he asked me to marry him cus i know he will be faithful to me no matter what

Answer 9

BE 100% honest with her about EVERYTHING and as nice about it as possible. Dont hide things from her. if she finds out (eventually she will) it will make things even worse.

Talk to her about your feelings AND about this other girl!

Answer 10

marriage is for better or worse, till death you part, not till som yahho personals woman parts you! stop thinking this other gal is "the one" she isnt- your wife IS!