Friend with 2 disabled children?

Question

I have a friend that has two disabled children, one is autistic, the other had brain damage due to seizures as a baby , shes 16 and has the mentality of a 7 or 8 year old..

She lives in Florida.. and she's unable to find any help as far as respit providers, the list is incredibly long.. she has zero outlets, her husband makes decent money but is of absolutely zero support to her..everything is put on her to deal with.. He's always after her to get a job, but with all the needs of her children between special education, and medical needs she cant be in 2 places at once, and basically she's becoming seriously depressed, and feels she has no way out because she cant leave her abusive husband because he supports them financially and she cant find any type of state funded support for her and her kids that will help her be able to function on her own.. (babysitters) so she can work etc.. Does anyone have any suggestions what she can do?? What programs may be available to her?

Some other details about the situation, her husband is a lineman he makes over 100 grand a year, so medicaid help is out..or any assistance thats based on wages.. Her oldest, isnt his biologically, the bio dad has been out of the picture since she was a year old, her step father has been in the pictures since she was 16, but refuses to adopt her because he knows he'd have to pay for 2 children if she left, and he knows she stays cause the oldest needs his medical insurance through his job, if they divorce, she would no longer have the medical insurance for her oldest child.. They both go to public schools with special needs programs, and thats about the only break she gets .. her hands are full, and i live 8 hours away from her or id help out.. but someone that was once very strong mentally, and very well "with it" is starting to fall apart at the seams and shes falling deeper and deeper into depression..her kids are the only thing holding her together at the moment..

She doesnt get SSI or Medicaid because her husband makes to much money for the kids to be on that..her husband gets extremely upset when they have to pay for doctor bills and is constantly making her life harder then it needs to be..

a couple of years ago he talked her into moving , he had her quit her job, they put the house up for sale..sold the house and 2 weeks prior to having to move out of the house, he left her with the kids, no money, no where to live, etc.. if it werent for her friends, her and the kids would of been on the street.. he did come back to her a couple months later.. but this is the type of man we are talking about , a cold heartless man, that is extremely selfish, and feeds off of making her miserable..

Answer 1

I am a special ed. teacher in FL. She should be on the waiting list for Med Waiver for both kids....there is a 3-4 yr waiting list, but it pays for services like respite, adult day training, etc. and is NOT based on income. Since both kids have mental disabilities, she needs to make an apt. to become a client of the department of developmental disabilities.....again, NOT based on income, only on the disability....they will assign her a case manager who will help her navigate the system and attain services...they can help her get on the MedWaiver waiting list. She MUST do this ASAP!!! The 16 yr old will be eligible for medicaid when she turns 18 as well as SSI.
The YMCA has aftercare programs for students w/ disabilities....they do a sliding scale for pay....there are plenty of other programs out there, but it's hard for me to give you specific guidance as those types of services vary depending on what county you live in. Unfortunately, FL is not the best state to live in when you need these types of services, but the DDD (see above) will help get her some of what she needs.

Answer 2

What this so-called male (he's not a man) your friend is stuck with deserves is to get tossed out on his male chauvinist pig b**t. But, I see the problem. Essentially he's blackmailing her into staying and putting up with this.

I suggest she do several things. First, look into working at home (that is, doing some sort of data entry work via the internet as an example). But not to please this jerk--she should use the money foor herself, the kids--or bank it where he can't get at it. Second, tell her to read the Greek play "Lysistrata"--and yes, that is a serious suggestion. You'll see why. Third, she (and/or you) use the internet to find other parents of disabled children. Most communities have parental support groups--and they may be able to give more suggestions. . . . at least give moral support. But the key here is that they are also the best source of info on programs such as you speak of. Based on what you are saying, what I see is that she should be able to get SSI (disability payments for children under the Social Security Administration)--and if she does end up on her own at some point, she would qualify for aid if Mr. Macho ducks out of paying the bills.

Also--look into the biological father situation. Regardless of why he's not around, teh girl is still his child and his responsibility.

Answer 3

Many people here have great suggestions, so I only have a few to add.

The local battered women's shelter should be able to help. Check the yellow pages or contact the police department to find out how to get in touch with them.

Florida also has many CARD centers, which can most likely help, at least with respite care. CARD is the Center for Autism and Related Disorders, and they provide many different services for families with a member with autism, FREE. Check the phone book or do a Yahoo! search to find one near you.

Also check with local churches. Most of them will help even if your friend isn't a member.

Don't forget organizations such as Easter Seals, Salvation Army, Goodwill, and Job Link, Head Start, Sharing Center, and United Way. They provide many services, and all are free.

Good luck to your friend.

Answer 4

Not sure if this will relate to the US, but in the UK. The womens refuges are fantastic, a abused spouse can call a help line and speak to a outreach worker who will support them, even whilst they are still in the relationship, they can find refuge accommodation and support them if they make the decision to leave. They can sort out accomodation, help with applying for benefits and support with pretty much everything. She needs to find a womens refuge local to her and contact them for support, I would have thought the ideology would be the same, even in a different country, and they would have the resources to find out how much help she can get.
Does she realise that him having the control of the finances is another form of abuse? Its all about control.

Thankyou for being a good friend for her, I know my friends had all long gone before I left my husband, he made it difficult for me to have friends, so they gave up. I too have a child within the Autistic spectrum, so I appreciate how tough it is.

Answer 5

well she can leave the loser of the husband get child support and then she can get disability benefits 4 both the kids. she should be getting those now anyways. there are schools for autistic kids she should look into that. she can also check into the private homes for disabled peeps. I used to work at a home and we had a drop in and we would take care of him while the mother was at work. just tell her to hang in there she is doing the right thing, she is an angel!! not alot of people would take that responsibility.

Answer 6

Create some resources. There are some places where there are sports teams (the most common being soccer) for people with disabilities.

There is an organization (primarily in Ohio and other northern states) called Top Soccer made for kids and teens with disabilities. Maybe you could get them to expand into your town in Florida.

Answer 7

merely commerce the motorcar in on something extra suitable or how about getting a lighter, extra compact wheelchair. Why do distinctive human beings the following seem to imagine that once you take advantage of the note "disabled/incapacity" each little thing in existence should be a loose holiday? I stay in a united states the position the welfare gadget promises an "further residing expences" provide of about US$one hundred in preserving with month. each little thing else must be paid for - in case you want a extra useful wheelchair than the clunkers some charities furnish - you pay for it, both your individual money or your health assurance. the following you both do what you would possibly want to do your self or you die.

Answer 8

I know where your friend is...many moms, this one included, of special needs children feel that they have no choice but to stay in a less than ideal marriage because of the limitations they face in being able to support a family on their own while dealing with all the stress and challanges of parenting special needs children. I was fortunate enough that my husband was willing to go into counseling and work hard to save our marriage. BUT, before that I had done some research that may be helpful for your friend.

First and foremost, she needs to get herself into therapy. An unhappy marriage is tough. Parenting one special needs child is tougher. Parenting two makes things move beyond tough into the equivelant of an Everest climb. To have all of that...well it is emotionally and physically the most exhausting place I have ever been in my life. Finding a therapist will help her deal with the day to day stress while giving her a safe place to plan on how to get away from the husband. They may come up with ways to do it quickly (many therapists know of community and state aide that others are not aware of) or they may come up with a plan that lets her address each step one at a time (child care, then a job, then a place to live). In any case, she will have someone firmly on her side, to give her the support she needs.

Next, as far as health care goes for the oldest daughter, because of her extensive needs, if she is no longer covered by the husband's plan, her daughter will be entitled to coverage by Medicare/Medicaide. She could not qualify for it while she is covered under another plan, but once that coverage stops...be it because she ages out of the program or because of divorce, she will not be left high and dry. The same could be said for her autistic child as well.

Next, since both children are disabled, the older severely so, and it does impact her ability as a wage earner, as soon as she seperates from her husband she should make an appointment at the local Social Security office to apply for SSI benefits. Getting them for her autistic son can be tricky, but it should not be nearly as tough for the older child. There are things she will need to gather before going to Social Security for the application interview...all of these can be found on the Social Security website. The payments are not huge, but they can certainly be a help.

Perhaps the biggest issue in all of this is child care. It is very true there are limited options. The place to start is with her oldest daughter. he public schools should be providing educational placement until the age of 21 (because of the level of disability). That gives her a bit of time, but it is never too early to find out about work placement programs, assisted living and adult care settings for when she ages out. The school system should have information on that. If not, the best place to get info is at the closest ARC office. ARC is an originization for people with mental disabilities. They may be able to help with things like respite care as well. Assuming her younger child is in school as well, the best job placement for her would be within the school system itself. Classroom aides, lunch room workers, office personal..all these positions are great jobs for Mom's who can only work school hours. Plus, people in these jobs are usually offered to have their pay averaged out over the whole year rather than just taking it while school is in session. It will make for smaller checks, but they will continue through the break periods.

All of these things will help your friend...weather she chooses to stay with her husband or not. It may not be the perfect solutions, or the only ones, or even the ones she ultimately decides to stay with...but they are a good staring point. I wish her and her children only the best.

Answer 9

I'm not quite sure why your friend can't get at least some respite services. I get respite through our local regional center for my daughter and I think medicaid also provides this. She needs to talk to her local regional center...these are available in every county in the U.S.