Help almost there and in laws.....?

Question

Im 37 weeks and have to have a c section on the 20th. My ENTIRE pregnancy my inlaws have been horrible...sending me nasty emails picking fights telling me My wedding was (white trash because we had alcohol there) And being mad at me because when we (being my hubby and me) have the baby i told them NO one else was to be in the room but him(this pissed off the MIL and she cried because i wont let her see the birth of her grandchild) Also that we wanted like 2-3 hours before we have visitors so that my hubbby and I can have some time with our bran new baby!
Ettiquette wise....is that rude to say you dont want visitors for that long? They told me it is and that im cutting family out of an important time...but i feel very strongly about having those hours to bond as a family(its our first)

Also, they have been on no speaking terms with me since November of '06 other than the nasty emails and voicemails ect and only talk to my hubby and only invited him to family dinners and such.

Now that they have found out the baby is almost here they are calling and say they want to make up so they can be with the baby. I dont think thats fair at all that they can be so horrible my ENTIRE pregnancy then when the baby is almost here show up to "talk it out" and give us baby presents.
What do i do? How can i stick to my guns i dont even want them to hold our lil baby....how can i get over it?

Answer 1

Asking them to wait 2 -3 hours is in no way extreme. If it were me, I would ask them to wait 24 hours. Don't forget you are going to be having a major operation, and you will not have 'quality' time with your baby and your husband for several hours after the birth. I am not sure what happens in your country, but in the several hospitals that I have worked at in Australia, the husband is allowed in the room while they are performing the LSCS, providing you are awake. After the baby is born, if baby is OK, you will have a hold for a few min, and then your husband and baby will leave the operating theatre and go back to the maternity ward. It is very cold in operating theaters, and it is best not to keep the baby in such a cold environment for a long time. You are then 'stitched up' and you have to go to recovery for 30min or so before going back to the ward. Back on the ward, you will have a sponge bath, the nurses will fuss around and make sure everything is ok. You will be interrupted every 30min while you have your blood pressure checked to make sure that there are no problems from the operation. Generally while all this is going on, baby and husband are back on the ward, and baby is being weighted and measured, and having all his/her newborn checks to make sure that everything is going well. As soon as all that is done, I am sure that your new baby really wants a feed by this stage, and if you are breastfeeding, it is not a time for spectators. Also at this stage, the epidural is starting to wear off, and you will need some pain relief. After all this is done, it is normally 3-4 hours since your little one came into the world, and you have not had any time alone as a brand new family.

Asking someone if they can watch them give birth is a great imposition. If someone asks you that, ask them if you could pop around and watch them having sex next time. It is an extremely personal time and it’s not a spectator sport.

Answer 2

I think as far as the amount of time that you want for you, your hubby, and your baby to bond is a great thing. First of all your baby is just coming into the world and those are your first moments to bond with your child. I think that if your in laws can't understand that then they really don't care about you or that baby at all. This is your child, not theirs!!!! Another thing is that after a c-section you are not going to want any visitors for a while. I've had 3 of them and believe me the first thing i wanted to do was hold my baby and then get some sleep. Even if you are awake it is still a VERY tiring experience.
As far as not wanting to let them hold the baby, I can absolutely understand where you are coming from because of the way that they have treated you for your entire pregnancy BUT they are still the grandparents and you have to remember that. Eventually they may come around and not be so mean to you. They have to realize that this is 2007 not 1920.

Answer 3

You have really had it rough with them. And you haven't seen them for so long, it will probably be awkward and stressful.
I would say it is up to you if you want to make amends before the baby comes.
As far as the birth, your hubby will have to step in. Be with your baby, like you said you will have a c-section, when you want to rest let your hubby be with his parents and the baby, maybe this will take some of the stress off of you. If your hubby has been interacting with his family without you, the both of you need to have a talk and get your rules clear. Like, no surprise, he had to let mom in because she was crying. He should stay with you until it is time for them to see the baby. Three hours is quite long. I would shorten that up a little. But there is nothing wrong with being cautious and saying wait a couple of days before you hold the baby. I am a new mom/dad and we think the baby should not be in contact with a lot of people right after birth. Your hubby can pamper you and ask them only to stay a little and let him then attend to you and the baby. You will want to rest so you may not even have to deal with them.
Seeing the baby a little sooner may be easier than longer later. Don't let their anger fester and have her make a scene and upset you. Take your time, but reasonably soon, let them take a peek.
No matter what you come first, so hubby better be prepared to kindly welcome them and ask them to please leave in a little while.
You take baby steps with this relationship...if they have been only talking with your husband...then he can take care of this now. If she is mad that she can't be at your side, so be it.
In time things may work out, grandparents love their grandkids more than life itself.
If this isn't the case handle as you both see fit. But don't get into it now. Just smile...no more no less is expected of you. Your little angel on the way has a lot of hearts to heal. Just know, no matter how many eyes your baby looks into, mommy and daddy are the world to him/her : )

Answer 4

Sounds like a tough situation, but one that needs to be resolved for everyone's benefit. I agree with you, especially because of the C-section that only your hubby should be in the room at the delivery of the baby. You're MIL doesn't need to see your insides and you need to be comfortable and relaxed during this time. And if you want bonding time afterwards, great for you! I think 2-3 hrs is fine because you will probably not be really feeling much like visitors at first anyway. How does your hubby feel? Hopefully he's on your side with this.
At the same time, I think whatever happened in the past to make everyone upset with everyone else needs to be laid to rest. Your child will need a grandmother and family, and silly little things like that should be let go. As hard as it is for you, stick to your guns for the delivery and bonding time as you wish, but then open up to the rest of the family and share the joy of your little one.

Answer 5

Well, my dear.. you see, I'm a no nonsense kinda gal... I'd have to play the Bullshit Card.

First of all they treat you like crap all through your pregnancy.. Now that they have realized that... OMG.. we might have gone a little too far... that's our grand baby.. we better make nice.????????

BULLSHIT!!!!!

And as a side note.. they should have checked policies and procedures.. I believe with most hospitals.. only the hubby is allowed with you for a C-section.

2 - 3 hours might seem a little extreme, but you may be due a little.

But if it were me.. I'd have to have a "come to Jesus" meeting with them.. remind them of the silent treatment since 11-06, the nasty emails, the vmails, the single invites for just your husbands that never seem to include you... and NOW they want to be included in their grandchild's life???? hmmmmmm

How do you know what kind of thrash they are going to be putting in your baby's head as your child gets older?????

No.. not a good idea... perhaps supervised visits are possible, something to consider.. You are willing to forgive, but forgetting might take some effort. You'll work on it between now and the C-Section.

You just need to make sure your hubby is backing you 100%.. and if he's going to dinner invites without you.. he needs a smack up side the head!!!!!

Answer 6

During a C section you can only have one person in the room. If they are not satisfied knowing this than too bad they can ask the DR's and they will say the same to them.

As for the 3 hours by yourself with the baby and hubby HECK YES! If they really care they will understand you want a bonding time right away with your new family member!

Answer 7

Honey i am very sorry to hear what situation you have been put in. Because you are having a c-sec ONLY your husband is allowed in theatre with u! Even if you were having a normal birth its your right to have as many people in the room with you as you like.

This is your special moment, You have carried this child for 9mths and the birth is time for you and your husband to meet and bond with your baby.

I had a c-sec with my last baby and only my husband came in it was great. With our eldest daughter i had her naturally and i did let his mum in to see the birth as i had my mum in there but i regret that now. Its a VERY personal and private time. They should respect your wishes.

After you've had baby and trying to recover from a c-sec the last thing your going to want is to have them around. I told my In laws that they were'nt allowed to visit until the next day. Yes they were a bit upset but they did what i asked. and i can tell you that you dont feel the best a few hours after a c-sec, your in pain and your self would have just been reunited with your baby. After they deliver the baby they finish the procedure and take you to recovery and your baby to the nursery just to be checked ( dad goes with ) they had me in recovery for about an hour just to make sure i was ok and i didnt react to anything ( it is classified as a major operation ) Then took me back to my room where not long after my husband and daughter joined me. This will be the time you will be able to start bonding and start to breastfeed your baby.

As you are'nt close with them i dont even think they should visit you in hospital, they should have thought about what would happen when the baby arrived before they started abusing you. I'm pretty sure you could even explain to the doctors and midwives the situation and if they turn up with out u agreeing first the midwives can actually get them to leave as your the patient and dont want them there.

I hoped this helped a little

Good Luck and Best wishes!

Answer 8

Just tell them how you feel, but you guys need to start getting along for the baby. I think the 2-3 hours is a little harsh, especially if its thier first grandchild, you'll probaly be in recovery room after surgery for an hour so why dont you tell everyone to visit with baby then and when you get out of recovery. Tell everyone you and hubby want sometime alone with your new baby! Take it from me who has had three c-sections you'll probaly want someone around (when
your hubby cant be) to help with the baby , especially for the first couple of days. GOOD LUCK

Answer 9

Oh dear I know how you feel. That is a very special time for you both and you need this alone time Its not like the baby is going anywhere after it is born. They will have plenty of time to see the baby once you have had your bonding time and you need your rest after wards. I had my husband tell people they can see the baby in the nursery. You also need to tell them once your home give you at least a few days before visitors come over because you both need time to adjust. Shame on them for not being understanding and being so selfish. Good Luck.

Answer 10

I understand it is hard to forget the bad stuff & the hurtful things. My husband parents drove over 3000 to visit us after the birth of our daughter & after a month of all of us living under the same roof, we are barely on speaking terms. His mother was toooo lazy to even come out of her bedroom to see her grand daughter, but ended up blaming all of her feelings on us & even threatened to call child services on me for the baby cry for more than a few minutes one stressful night (at which point I told her to get out.) Your inlaws should understand that you & your husband want that time with your new little one, they were in that same place at one time. My parents where here with us when she was born, but respected our new time together. Honestly I think it's this bond a mother has with thier son, because my mom was nothing but help...his was just awful to me. My in-laws tried to cut me from their lives, but figured out if they did that, they weren't getting anymore pictures or correspondence of their granddaughter. This is MY family & I will always do what is best for us. Once we brought that little girl into the world, the three of us were top on my list...even my mom got knocked down a notch, but she understood...she had been in my shoes 29 years ago when I was born. I think the Daddy's mom feels different about the situation. Maybe I'll understand the way I was treated by my mother-in-law when I have a son & he has a baby with is wife. But until then, I will try not to be bitter for the hurtful things that were said to me under my own roof, but I will continue to be a good wife & mother. No one needs added stress during their pregnancy or even afterward. I would immediately go into tears mode when we would get a nasty email from them, and then my tears would make the baby cry, and then my hubby had a mess of 2 criers! Whatever stress you have, she WILL feel. I cried for 4 days straight when my hubby went out of town...and so did my kiddo. Do what you feel is best, that is your family, and once she is born you will feel a bond like never before & you'll know what is best for her & you.