How Do I deal with a BULLHEAD 11 yrs old daughter?

Question

I have a 11 yrs old girl, who refuses to try to get to know my new husband.. we have a son, She adores him but refuses to try to be part of our family.. already tries to kill herself, we have been to couneslings.. family programs u name it.. we did that.. Ive set " limit and love" but she still will not try.. and tries everything to hurt each one of us.. verbally.. now that she will be moving back home with us from my parents.. where she stayed .. ( she s got my parents on her side..) she will be moving back in couple weeks.. Im trying to think of everyway to make everyone get along.. My husband tries so hard with her.. we dont know if it was too hard at trying or not enough.. its HER who wouldnt try.. WHAT DO I DO BEFORE I LOOSE MY HAIR!!

Answer 1

In many ways it sounds like you keep caving in with her. Tell your parents to butt out she is your child and you will deal with her issues. Do not allow her to throw fits and then get what she wants. If she is verbally abusive to anyone in the home then perhaps she needs to be punished. Your focus needs to be on beaning her mother and putting her foot down. Let her know that the new husband is not going anywhere and she needs to accept that fact and deal with it. Tough love maybe what you need now! Countiue with the counesling.

Answer 2

You need to talk with your daughter and find out WHY she feels the way she does, HOW she feels, and how SHE would like to handle the situation. I'm not saying do it, but at least listen to her, continue to listen to her....perhaps continue with her counseling. Put HER first, hubby second. They don't have to be best friends, or really even friends, they just need to treat each other politely and respectfully, that's all. Perhaps you need to look at this from a different view point. Why are you calling your daughter Bullheaded? She's hurt, frustrated, depressed, angry....and apparently YOU AREN'T GETTING IT....maybe YOU are the bullheaded one? I'm sorry to be so blunt, but she is the child in the middle of all this who didn't ask for any of this. You need more compassion, more understanding, more counseling. Your child should come before your love life.

Answer 3

Okay here goes. I am a 14 yr old and my mother got remarried when i was 12. They had a baby i love, but not so much my step-dad.

1. Do not force her to like your husband.
2. She needs time to get to know him. You have to do some kind of family activity together. If you live somewhere warm, maybe go for a long walk. If you live somewhere where there is snow, go sledding or make a snowman.
3. You need to talk to her about it. Maybe say "honey, you need to accept your step-father. I know you miss your real dad, but _____ (husband's name) is trying really hard so you will like him. He's not trying to take your father's place;he just wants to be your friend."
4. If this does not work, I would tell her you love her and her step-dad loves her.

Well I hope this helps. Just remember. DON'T YELL AT HER! It will just make her even more mad.

Answer 4

Before she moves in, go to your counselor. First meet one-on-one, and then have a "setting expectations" session with her. She simply needs to be respectful of your husband so that her baby brother doesn't learn the wrong things.

Talk to the counselor, but I think you and your husband need to put on your bullet proof vests. When she starts abusing verbally, just turn away. She is getting a charge out of your hurt and your husband's efforts. And your stress is feeding her behavior. I understand your hurt, but she cannot hurt you unless you allow her to do so.

My advice would be a "you live here and until you can behave like a member of the family we will treat you like a boarder" but your counselor may think differently. You owe her food and a roof. That's all. When she behaves like a lady and contributes to the family, she gets rewards like time with you one on one, movie tickets, or a new T shirt. Do NOT try to force your new husband - that only adds to the stress and there is nothing he can do except create a positive role model through his actions.

If she threatens suicide, just ask her to use the bathroom and not to bleed on the carpet. Remember that bullet proof vest.

Obviously you also need to talk to your parents. They are feeding the fire. Unless they are prepared to take her on full time, forever, ask them to simply step away for the time being.

Also if you and your husband divorced, she is old enough to understand the circumstances. I am sure she is hurting over the break up and may blame herself. You don't know what she has heard and she is old enough to set her straight.

Answer 5

For one thing, stop labeling her. You use very negative things to describe her:bullhead. parents"on her side". I think you are contributing to this situation! Stay positive and STOP expecting the worse, or that is just what you'll get. She was here first you know-she might have a hard time thinking you really love her, because I do too! After just a few words. I would think you would first discuss with your parents how they see it, then discuss with her & reassure her she is loved. Now about the stepfather-butt out. Let them find their own way without interference. Try kindness-not shouting or forcing.
She looks to you for an example,so give her a good one.Remember she IS a child and you are not! Try love & respect for her.I think you'll get it right back.

Answer 6

Forget about the problem, dont ignore it but dont draw attention to it. If she wants to get to know him she will when she is ready and if she is ready. Instead focus on her relatioship with you not him. Get closer to your daughter. She might be feeling betrayed even if she does not admit to it.

She still needs to respect him as a person. Like any one you bring into your house. The everyday courtesys are enough as long as she is polite. Tell her this, she does not have to like or approve of him and she is entitled to her own opinion of everyone. But she must be polite and respectful. Do you see the difference. Make sure she sees the difference in what you are telling her.

Like I said before strengthen your friendship with her that is more important than her friendship with your husband even if it makes things a little harder or less than picture perfect.

I hope this helps. Good luck and health to you and yours!

Answer 7

That is awful and I am really sorry.
Maybe you just need to take a step back first and see what really is causing her to act this way.
Have you guys always been close?
Did you leave her with your parents all the time?
did you neglect her when your husband first came into your guys life?
I also think that talking to her and spending time with just the two of you is very important.
Kids hate opening up and find it weird to have serious talks but eventually I think they appreciate it and like it.

Answer 8

Well, one thing to remember is she's just a kid. i mean i know it' s hard to deal with and will drive you up the wall, but she's probably going through a lot of stuff and doesn' t know how to handle it . If she's already tried suicide at 11 she's got some real issues. She might be angry. I don't know what happened prior to your new marriage but i assume there's been a whole lotta change in her young life and it can be pretty scary and depressing. I went through a depression when i was a little older than her, and I was really angry .
You said you've tried counseling. Have just the two of you tried it together? Or maybe just her alone. it seems she's got some stuff to deal with and maybe she can't develop a relationship with your new husband just yet.
Maybe if you and her could start to communicate somehow. Not just about how she does or doesn't get along with your husband but about you and her. If you could reconnect with her somehow.
Maybe letting her not have a relationship with the new husband is okay for right now. She might feel like she's being forced. it might not even be your husband that she doesn't like ,it might be a whole other issue. Or even if she does have issue with your husband .
Maybe if she just gets it out and you don't defend him or get mad at her she might start to feel differently. She might just need to vent and complain and get it out and have it be okay. I know sometimes i used to get so frustrated being depressed and i'd just ***** about everything and of course my poor mom got most of that. But the times when my Mom didn't try to say I was wrong or tell me to shut up, Sometimes i just ran out of steam and got it out of my system. I know that might not be the same with your daughter but it' s something to think about .
obviously she's got something going one inside of her that she needs to deal with.Since she's 11 she might not know how to do that. So just try to be patient with her when she acts up and not take it personal and fuel the fire. Sometimes people will push your buttons just to get into a fight, and when you ignore their button pushing they kind of give up. She might be baiting you just to get into a fight. If you can somehow learn to spot those times and try not to escalate it. Even walk away from her if you have to.
You mentioned that your parents were on her side. If you guys could somehow not have sides. like nobody's right and nobody's wrong. You both have a right to your feelings. I know you feel like you're in the right but so does she . So what good does it do being in the right. If you could show her that you're on her side that might help.
I really hope things get better.

Answer 9

well... this situation is simple. you have to let her know who's the parent and who's the child. It seems that your parents have been the only support system that your daughter has had since shes been through this BREAKTHROUGH. Have you ever thought that counseling makes it worst. There is no reason she should be on suicide watch if she has had that love and care that a parent gives a child. There could be reasons for acts like this such as, the dislike of your husband. She probably thinks that you devoted your life to his needs and forgot about her, since you left her in the care of your parents, she expects you to be there for her and make her feel as if she's not just a charity case you just so happened to volunteer for. just approach her in a motherly way, take her out on a DATE, just you and her, and ask her why do she like to hurt not only your feelings but your husband and her baby brothers also. get her to come through to you. maybe you should try to be her counselor for once. GOOD LUCK. hope it works out for the best.

Answer 10

remember your daughter comes before everyone else, even your husband. how does your husband treat her when your not around? you need to have a talk with your daughter. take her somewhere alone just the 2 of you and tell her you love her and you want to be here for her and ask her what is the matter. you need to hug her and tell her you love her everyday no matter what, even when your mad at her. your daughter just didnt turn into a bullhead, she got help turning into one.

Answer 11

You didn't mention where her father is. Maybe she has some pent up anger about that? She might be feeling replaced by the new son, and the new husband. I would suggest spending more time with just the two of you together. Quality mother daughter time.