Need serious love help?

Question

I have been married for about three years and I am going through a divorce as of right now. I was court ordered seperated while in the realationship for a year for domestic violence and aggravated assault for my husband on me. He then went to Iraq and I found out did many other things against me....the issue is while he was gone while we were seperated I met someone else. The chemistry between me and him were too strong to let go. I seen him as the perfect man and what I am trying to find in life. I waited for my husband to come home to file for divorce because I want to close one door before I open another. The problem is I feel wrong for doing this...am I? Me and him have been in contact for a year and I love him but dont think I will beable to give myself to someone again anytime soon because I am getting out of a marriage. He wants me to move to another state to be with him because he doesnt live in the same state as me. He doesnt seem to understand how I feel when I tell him.....

He cant understand that I am still "legally married" and that I cant just get up and run to him. I have the divorce and moving to go through... money and time it will cost. He wants me all to his self and he calls me a million times a day because he cant trust me and he thinks I am doing something with my husband. I love him soo much but he has never had a real relationship before and he is younger then me so he cant see why I am the way I am. He wants to marry me but how could I possibly get married when I am in the process of divorcing...I love him and dont want to lose him ever but what should I do...he cant understand my feelings

well "watch" I think he tries to control me but I am the same way as him and I put him in check. He tells me he is scared of losing me and that I will want someone else and not want to be with him. Maybe I am attracted to controlling men but it doesnt work because we bump heads because I am the same way! I have always wore the pants in my relationships and if a man ever put his hand on me I would knock him out. I dont want this relationship to take the turn like my divorce did and thats why I want to give it time but he wont seem to let me. I dont want to lose him...hes all I ever wanted except for understanding :(

Answer 1

First, you're not wrong for feeling the way you do. You're not wrong for falling in love with this new guy. Second, you're soon-to-be ex-huband is a jerk and congrats on doing the divorce thing. That in itself is a HUGE deal. :) Third, you are taking care of yourself, you're getting you stuff in order. It's relevant that you stay in your state during the whole divorce preceding, because it's so much easier. I moved to another state, married and then filed for divorced and moved back to my home state. Granted, it was only one state away, but it was a pain every time there was a hearing, that I had to run down to the other state. So, if anything new guy should understand that it's easier for you to deal with the end of your marriage by staying in your current state. Do you want to move to be with this guy? I'll think the answer is yes, and that might be a good idea, at least in part. A new state offers you a clean slate to start over and that might be really good for you. But, be careful that chances are this guy will be the only person you know for a while and if you're the type that needs friends/family support, will you still have that in the new state? Your new guy needs to respect your decision to stay in your current state to get the divorce matter taken care of, if he cannot, then frankly, he really doesn't care about your feelings. Good luck.

Answer 2

Sit back and read over your question and it is not hard to figure out. He is not the person for you. He should understand if he really cares for you and he already does not trust you and you are not even together yet. You are right you are on a path to destruction with the same kind of man. If you want a divorce and it is never going to work out with your husband then so be it. But get the divorce and live alone for awhile so that you can discover who you are because it does not seem like you know. Then after that you can start another relationship. I know right now it seems like he is perfect for you but anyone that will take time to sit and talk to you and make you feel special while you are going through a divorce you would think that they are wonderful. Take time for yourself believe me before you even think of being with anyone. And try to stay away from controling men. Or you will be back in the same divorce court. Good Luck and really take time do not jump in to something.

Answer 3

He sounds insecure, do you really need someone with insecurity problems in your life? You have went through enough lately and more to come.. He should understand how things are is he thick how can you marry him when your not divorced, also why doesnt he trust you, these are big issues...

Trust is a big factor in a relationship and is needed along with honesty, which you are being with him how could he think your doing anything with your husband after the way he treated you... I feel you should have a break before you rush into anything with this other man, I can understand your feelings for him and no you are not wrong to be in touch with him or seeing him you and your husband are over finished hence the divorce so you are doing nothing wrong.....

You need this man to understand whats going on in your life if he cant then I fear you are making a big mistake to be with him, he needs to sort out his own issues before he even thinks about making a commitment with you, if he doesnt then there is no hope for you and him, a relationship is equal not all you give and he takes, after what you have been through you need love , affection, understanding,compassion,honesty and trust, not his insecurities..........

Get yourself sorted first if he feels for you the way he says he will wait, and understand, good luck take care......

Answer 4

Wow ... you do have a lot going on. You're right in saying that you have to have your divorce settled first. The BF bothers me a bit, because he seems very pushy and very paranoid. Is he really going to be good for you? I say take your first step - divorce. Then take a deep breath and relax. You should continue to date this out-of state guy until you've had some time to recover from the emotional strain of a failed marriage and a divorce. You have to be absolutely sure before you get married again. It doesn't sound like you're there. It sounds like you really love this guy, and want to be with him, but you haven't made the decision to make it forever yet. Give yourself the time to come to that conclusion comfortably. Mr. Out-of-state is just going to have to buy that. If he can't and he checks out, then was he ever really with you at all? Real love can wait. If he really loves you he can be patient and give you the time this is going to take.

Good luck.

Answer 5

Please take it easy in getting into another relationship. A caring understanding man would give you the time and space to end this part of your life, not call so much, thinking he can't trust you. That to me sounds like you might be in for another rough relationship, and you're just getting out of one. I know love is hard to not go with, but take your time, and if it truly will work, he will give you time, if not, you will be better off then, and I know it sounds like a cliche, and you feel like you might lose this guy, which can panic you, but time will help all these feelings. Do what you have to do for yourself, time-wise, and you will feel better in the long run.

Answer 6

it seems like your buot to make the same mistake twice. your getting out of a relationship that was abusive but still make excuses for this man, at the same time you make excuses for the new one you need to take a step out of the situation and look at your paterns when it comes to people you date and see what things contribute to what set yourself straight before moving on. i understand giving him the respect of waiting till he came home to tell him about the divorce the less dramatic the better with those things.give the new relationship time. but take things lightly for a while. you dont want to end up in another bad relationship and holding him accountable for things you ex did. give yourself time to heal emotionally and take baby steps with the next. there is no real reason to completey let go of the new relationship but on that note what is it if there is no trust at all between the two of you???can there really be a relationship with both of you feeling like you do and not trusting the other..new person same situations... be careful and give your self time i cant stress that enough. we are creatures of habit even the bad ones still happen unless we make the effort to change that! take your time and move slowly with this see if trust is regained for the both of you and if your ready for this new step entirely. moving there would jjust complicate the whole issue and would leave you in a bad state physically mentally and emotionally if things went sour. think these things thru for your own sake before the past repeats itself. would it be fair to yourself to jump inot something before your ready and to him before things are thought thru?? you owe more to yourself than to just jump head over heels into it! :) if you can give your ex respect after all he did why cant you give yourself that and wait?

Answer 7

You seem to be attracted to very controlling men. He is being obsessive, and it can lead right back to the kind of abuse you went through in your marriage. TAKE THE TIME YOU NEED FOR YOU. Don't let him pressure you. If he loves you and CARES about you, he'll wait and he WILL trust you. Otherwise, he is just trying to control you. Lack of trust and confidence can lead to control and abuse if they get out of hand. Good luck.

Answer 8

Slow down, and HEAL first! If he doesn't understand.....Hate it for him! His loss if he lets you go, just because you need to take time and heal.