My husband has given up on helping the baby?!?!?!?

Question

My husband has been caring for our 1 month old from about 11 pm to 7 am since she came home from the hospital 1 month ago. I wake up at around 6:30 and by 7 am; I am ready to take over so he can sleep. Last night I heard my baby crying constantly so I got up and asked him what was going on. He said to me that he was mentally exhausted with our baby. she does not sleep unless she is being held. She won't sleep in her swing or her crib. When he lays her down, she is awake and wanting to be held within 5 minutes. He said that she was spoiled by me holding her all of the time, and so he was going to let her cry herself to sleep. Is this ok? I did not do that with my first 2. They were twins and I still held them if they cried.

My husband does not work. He was laid off a few months ago, but he is in school full time online. I am in school full time as well, but my classes are at the university. This is why I am sleeping at night while he cares for baby. Also he has always been nocturnal. He likes to go to bed at about 5 am. It has become hard for him to get his school work done since during the evening our twins need us, then at night he has to hold baby for her to sleep. This is the problem. It's not lack of sleep thats getting to him.

Answer 1

It is okay to let them cry. She is safe in her crib. Make sure she doesn't need anything like food, burping, or a change and just let her cry.

Answer 2

This is a tough one. But let me start by saying my husband took the 12am-4am shift and I got up with my son at 4 for the day and went to be early...the best way to do it I think so you're on the right track. But as far as the crying it out....I don't think a 1 month old should be crying it out-I think that should be used much later like a year and they're still waking. I do understand that sometimes you do just need to let your baby cry for a while to keep your sanity and it sounds like this is what your husband was doing. But if he's exhausted and you are too, maybe you should bring her to bed with you just for the next few months....sleep when she sleeps and that kind of thing. Then, when she's like 4 months and the two of you are more rested, you can transition her back to the crib. You can THEN start teaching her to self soothe and fall asleep on her own....just a suggestion. She may sleep better if she's cuddling in bed with someone. Good luck!

P.S. If it's mostly about him not being able to get anything done, could he try a sling at night? Put the baby in there while she sleep and he types?

Answer 3

I think that babies can develop "bad habits" at an early age, if that is considered being spoiled then so be it. My twins slept with me from infancy and that habit was very hard to break. If you hold her while she sleeps all night then she will become accustomed to being held and that will be the only way she sleeps. I agree with those who have said to let her cry in increments, 10 or 15 minutes at a time. When you do go in to check on her, do not pick her up unless she needs to be fed or changed; console her in other ways. This does not mean that you are detached from your daughter!

Congratulations to your husband for helping so much! Make sure that he knows how much you appreciate his help...lord knows all mothers should be so lucky! I took care of my twins alone at night during maternity leave because my husband had to work, but even after I went back to work I still did most of the night duty. It will get better...good luck!

Answer 4

First of all, you need to let your hunny know that he is doing a great job!!! It helps their selfesteem and lets them know that you appreciate that they are trying.
The typical "to let them cry or not to let them cry". My fiance and I go through this all the time. And my daughter was the same way. You know, I was the one that was usually up with my daughter during the night. And it is very mentally exhausting. It's so hard. There were nights where I just wanted to pull out my hair. I was so frustrated and I just cried! My daughter always needed to be help and rocked to sleep. The moment we would lay her down, she'd be wide awake.
She's now three months old...and sleeping better...but now, we wrap her up tightly so she feels safe, secure, held, and warm! And that seems to help out a lot. And I know that a lot of people dont agree with putting baby in bed with you, but have you tried that? it worked for my daughter...she just needed to be close...

As for them relying on being rocked or held to sleep until they are older...and it being hard to break? i dont think so. i mean, i rocked my daughter to sleep until we got this medication for her...and now, as soon as i see her getting drowsy, shes in bed...and shes fine!!!!

Is there any chance that you're baby could be colicky? Because ours is (was). If there is a chance that she could be, there is a new over the counter medication called BioGaia. It's all natural. It's a little pricey. But it definately works!!! So maybe try that. So many moms rant and rave about it. It's a miracle.

As for letting the baby, cry. I can't do it. And I don't believe that its right...and i definately do not believe that its spoiling them. everyone always tells me that im spoiling my daughter...but i dont think so. i believe that when baby cries...he/she needs something...either fed, changed, maybe gassy...and sometimes, they just need to be reassured that your there for them....but you need to do what you feel is right. and you and your husband should try and come up with something together. because if he lets her cry and you dont, nothing is ever going to work.

but i wish you the best of luck.

below is the link for the medicine BioGaia...just check it out! It's not specifically for colic. its to help with the digestive system...

Answer 5

There is no such thing as spoiling in the first six months. And you really shouldnt let the baby cry untill they are at least 5 months old. The baby doesnt have the self-sooth instinct before that. Dont worry my baby was the same way he is now 3 months old and sleeps in his crib for 4 hours at a time. And dont worry about your husband giving up my hubby was the same way, he came around about a week later. I think men just dont have the patience for babies (or anything for that matter) that women do.
Hope this helped.

Answer 6

Yes it OK to let her cry but max 10 to 15 minutes. Anything past that is not right. You can't spoil a 1 month old baby. They need something food, diaper change or a parent to calm her.

Do you both work?

I was off the first 6 weeks so I was up day & night with my son since my husband had to work. When I went back to work we took turns with the night shift. Maybe try sleeping the baby with you, they have those sleepers that either attach to your bed like the Original CoSleeper or you can put in your bed like the Supreme Snuggle Nest at babies r us. You can always get her to sleep in her bed later. Some babies need more comforting then others. I know my son did and now at 11 months doesn't even want you to hold him when he's tired, he wants his crib & bottle. Good luck.

I wanted to also add that my son slept in my bed the first two months then till he was six months old he was rocked to sleep at every nap and every night. As soon as he was able to hold his own bottle he just didn't want to be held when going to sleep. He was fussy till you put him in his crib with blanket & bottle.

Answer 7

No it is not okay. You can not spoil a baby that age. They are relying on you for everything. Maybe you will have to get up to be with her so she has proper care. It is cruel to let her lay there crying like that especially at one month old, it is actually harmful if a baby that age cries for a really long period of time.

Answer 8

Thomas J - How can you admonish someone elses parenting? It's her child, not yours.

In my opinion, crying it out is just fine. While I agree that a one month old can not be spoiled, it can not hurt to get yourself and child in the habit now.

I would make sure the baby has a clean butt, is well fed and not in any physical duress. When crying, check on the little one about every 5-7 minutes.

Answer 9

Sounds like he's been awesome so far!

While I am not inclined to let a baby cry it out every single night, sometimes for your own sanity it's okay to let it happen.

Maybe you should check with the pediatrician. If she's crying all night long, she may be colicky or gassy. Usually babies wear out eventually, but if she isn't it may be a sign of a problem.

Answer 10

Bravo for your husbands efforts so far. Let him know what a wonderful help he has been, because Lord knows, men need their egos stroked, among other things.[smile] I held my own much more than most, I believe, but what we're looking for here is a balance. It won't hurt your baby to cry for about ten minutes. Stand watch near by and make sure she is not wet or hungry. Then just wait it out. She needs to learn how to comfort herself, to "still" herself. A little crying is good for her lungs. Do not go in until she stops!! That's positive reinforcement! I'm not at suggesting neglecting a screaming baby in distress, but try it in these 10 minute increments. Go in to check that she is comfortable, console her with a lullabye, a little back rub, but tell her nite nite, and let her fuss a little until she gets herself settled. I don't often tell a man he's right{big smile} but your husband has a point here. He needs some rest to, so he can be a good husband to you and a good father for your twins and the new baby. Grab a good book and park yourself outside the nursery door. Tell your husband you've reconsidered and ask him to support you as you try it "his" way, explaining to him that is is very difficult not to pick up a crying child.

Answer 11

Holding or rocking a baby all the time will make them spoiled and they will cry until they get it. She knows that if she cries you will pick her up. It is aggravating to try to deal with a spoiled baby sorry but that is the truth.
I have a neighbor that is going through this. Her baby will not go to sleep unless she is held and soon as you sit down with her she cries cause she wants to be walked and it is all because her mom spoiled her by walking her and holding her while she was asleep.
I would say that your husband is very tired and you soon will be too if it is only you doing the whole baby thing. Sometimes you should just let a baby cry it out. I did and it didn't hurt my son.