selfish thought?

Question

Not to be mean, but I asked a question about finding true happiness and people kept suggesting that I give more and more to people. But I feel like I give enough of myself as it is, my life circles around my family, I do all the house chores, runs errands, drive my relatives who have no car where ever they go, I do my parents/ grandparents and siblings laundry/I pick up and drop off my cousins to and from school, I'm always in a hurry and if I do get any money I give it back to my parents because I feel like they need it more. But no matter what I do I still feel in appreciated and no happiness comes from doing good to others. My relatives still talk crap about me and I have no one to turn to. Honestly that is why I ended up asking you guys for advice. I don't know what to do, I just feel like my whole life at 19 revolves around "them" and what I want to do is put on hold. I gave up long distant learning just so I could help them around the house..I don't know where is happiness?

Answer 1

Listen, I am going to be TOTALLY HONEST WITH you and believe me I've been in a similar situation. But the answer to your question is for you to find happiness, you NEED TO BE SELFISH!!! It may sound crazy and mean but it's the solution. Here's why I give such and answer.... Think on this.... If you were to be hospitalized today for a period of 3 - 6 months, (I could go further to say drop dead but I won't go that far although it's a reality), would the Laundry get done, would your Relatives withouth a car get to where they are going, would your parents get money that they need? Believe me, the answer to all of the above (whether you choose to believe it or not is YES!!). Your family can survive without you but YOU WON'T let them. It is not your responsbility to SOLELY take care of them - IT IS NOT!!! They are all taking you for granted and what you need to do is start putting you first one day at a time. I don't expect that you just up and stop, but gradually withdraw yourself from all that baggage... you NEED TO. Be there for your family in as much as you can but you are 19 years old and NEED TO GET A LIFE of your own while still helping and supporting your family in as much as you can. You are not the only one who can do laundry or give your parents money, etc.... It's going to be difficult, believe me I know it, but you've got to and don't wait till the end of the week, or month, or year... start right now. It's a long journey so the sooner you start, the further you'll get. If you give your parents all of your money, then cut back and give them half, go out at least on the weekends and do something that you like to do, let someone else do the laundry every other week or something. Most importantly, GET THAT EDUCATION THAT YOU NEED, you're future will be all the better as a result of it, and you'll be able to give to your parents more as a result as well. Take time out of each and everyday to do something that you enjoy, it could be as simple as watcy TV undisturbed for an extra hour or going for a walk or whatever. START NOW!!!!

Good luck on your journey.

Answer 2

Being a doormat isn't doing good for others. But it sounds like you have a cultural difference going on here, and perhaps your family comes from a culture with a much stronger family-service tradition than that in America. You, being younger, have perhaps absorbed a lot more of the American model than you parents, and when you look at your circumstance through the American lens, it looks like slavery. Is this close to your situation? If so,
___You might ask your parents to look around them for similar conflicts in other families from your culture, and remind them that the young people of your generation are growing up between cultures, and that their expectations are at odds with the customs in America, customs that have shaped your perspectives. Tell them that their expectations look peculiar from the perspective that you're exposed to, and that some compromise is needed for you to maintain your sanity.
___But the "talking crap" about you seems out of place, if you're describing your situation accurately. Take a hard look to see if you're viewing the situation objectively, and if you are, then ask them where the appreciaton is, whether your contributions are so worthless that they don't deserve recognition. Or so worthless that they won't miss them when you move out. Presumably, your responsibilities have increased with age, and so should your treatment as an adult. If you're doing so much, you deserve more respect. You ARE old enough to move out.
___Behave like an adult in any such negotiations, not like a defensive kid. Hold your temper, and be prepared to followup on whatever happens. You may have to prepare for moving out, if they are completely intransigent. This can take several sessions. Sometimes it takes a while for a planted seed to grow.
___ And what's with giving up "long distance learning"? You mean you're not getting any education? Is there some ongoing family emergency or disabiltiy that requires extra help, or are you the one doing a disproportinate amount of the work?
___ this is a tricky situation. It may take some time for them to get the message, but you don't want to do anything drastic unless you have to, so give it some time. but make your points clearly, so while they're mulling it over, you can wait while knowing that they're thinking about what you were thinking.

Answer 3

You are seeking to establish your own self-identity, and it sounds like you are struggling.

Perhaps you are living at the expense of yourself. Example:
on a plane, the advice given when the oxygen masks drops down is, "place the mask over your own head before helping others". I can only suggest that you explain your situation to those that you help, make them understand that you can not maintain your level of benevolence and that you need time for your own well being.

The "True Happiness" ideal is not a general equation that can be solved once and for all. Happiness will come when disruptions to your everyday life are resolved by reflecting on your problems. This is something that has to be maintained throughout your life.

I Hope that helps.

Answer 4

You are so young! You should search for happiness inside of you. Go to school, study, make something out of yourself. Life is a give and take. Don't mind if your family doesn't approve just make yourself happy! You 'll still love them but it is the time of YOUR LIFE at 19. Talk to them and explain and if they don't understand, it's ok. Most of all, be happy in the little things that you have accomplished at home and with your friends. Be proud of yourself and what you give to others, you shouldn't regret. You did it out of love. You have the world in your hands. Good luck!!

Answer 5

Doing for yourself is not a selfish thought. If you do not take time for yourself , nothing you do or will do for others will make you happy.

I was living the same way and I am 34. My whole life revolved around EVERYONE else, I thought it was my happiness to do for everyone else, but when I got selfish just over a month agao and moved back on my own to do for myself, I truly realized I wasn't happy .

Do more for yourself now because, doing for everyone else is not the way o happiness. Look deep in yourself to find your OWN happiness.

GOOD LUCK

Answer 6

"Happiness is a state of mind."

Yeah its cliche....but its so true. Theres no correct answer on how to be happy and theres nothing anyone can tell you that can make you happy. Its not problems or circumstances or people that make us unhappy, but how we react to those things. ie. the story of Viktor Frankl, who was a prisoner at a Nazi concentration camp.....he realized though he didnt have freedom in his circumstances, he had freedom in how he would react to them and how it would affect him.

I am in a somewhat similar situation. I take care of my parents who are ill and give them money and have sacrificed my studies to work crappy jobs. (and yeah, theyre not the most appreciative...but they are very old and losing mental abilities also). I'm in my late 20s and have basically put my life on hold. I remember in college an older girl told me that she put her studies aside to take care of her father who had cancer. I was surprised though when she said that she now regretted it....as she didnt make it into a medschool. I on the other hand, do not regret it. Although life is hard, and though my mood is not "happy" most times, at the end of the day, taking care of my parents is "worthwhile" and makes me happy. However, if it will lead to deep feelings of regret and bitterness.....its better off for you to take a break and do what you need to do.

I don't know your situation but I would guess odds are.....its better for you to do your own thing. First of all, it elimates the chance to get bitter at your family. But more importantly, ....I dont regret what I did.....but looking back , I may have made the wrong choice for practical reasons. I didnt think my parents were going to live much longer.....and I put my career plans on hold......however, looking back, I could have done my own thing for a while.....and then by now I'd be able to give them much more money than what I am giving them now AND be living more comfortably myself at the same time.

So my best advice would be to go accomplish your own goals. Put the same effort you put in your family into those goals....remembering that in the long run, you are doing whats best for yourself AND your family at the same time.

Answer 7

Happiness is what you make of it. When you do things for others you are suppose to feel some satisfaction..If you're doing it out of your good heart, but if you feel like you being taken advantage of and that no-one appreciates what you're doing or no-one sees the good that you do, then don't do it anymore, because you're only going to be expecting recognition that you are not going to get, and that will make you feel worse than if you never done it at all. Besides God is the only one who will appreciate our efforts, good actions, and hearts, and when you think about it that way...no one else should matter.

Answer 8

very true, you have to be selfish at times. You are the only one that can live your life. You will never make everyone happy, people always want more, or have thier opinions. Be a bit selfish...nothing wrong with that...

Answer 9

first you are not selfish . I think happiness is the feeling that everyone has a different meaning for it . For me its the feeling that happen to me when my mam hug me when i am praying to God when i feel that i help someone who needs help when i success in my exams when i make someone happy.

Answer 10

Charity begins at home. If you are not charitable to yourself and make yourself happy how can you give happiness to others?