Do you like this poem?

Question

I know, I already had this one on here. But I made a few changes and still need some input on how good it is. Thanks.

i need a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear....
for my heart is so heavy with love,
love that is taken but not being repaid well enough.
and all i receive is immature behavior,
akward glances out of the corner of his eyes,
playfully trying to trip me as i walk by.
and he thinks i enjoy this behavior, but i despise it.
i wish he knew what i longed for.
i long for words, like hi, how are you?
i long for a smile, a smile that speaks when no words can be said.
i long for an arm to hold me as we sit and say nothing.
i long for a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear....

and just to let you know, my poems never rhyme.

Answer 1

In order to answer this question I would have to know how old you are and that's not something we're allowed to ask in Yahoo!Answers Community Standards. It isn't a very good poem for an adult or someone over the age of thirteen or fourteen. However, if you are thirteen or fourteen and are writing out your feelings like this, I certainly don't want to discourage you from continuing to write and continuing to express yourself with writing, and I'm very glad that you are doing so---anyone of that age who is taking time to write for pleasure or to get their feelings out has promise. Instead of using phrases that could be interpreted in many different ways such as "immature behavior" give a concrete example of this behavior---the example of his playfully trying to trip you is good, but then leave the words "immature behavior" out. For God's sake, give him a break! He's probably only about thirteen like yourself, and girls mature faster than boys---he IS immature, this IS how he's letting you know he cares. Don't expect too much out of him, and if he is this way, find someone who isn't. Use descriptive language, concrete rather than abstract nouns, adjectives and adverbs. To the best of your ability, stretch your imagination as far as it can go rather than using clich'es which you may have heard in popular love songs and which you are now unconsciously repeating. Use spell check. Except for very advanced writers who are deliberately using the lower case i, I would stick to it's proper pronoun capital letter form. Remember to put quotes, like "hi, how are you?" into quotation marks, that's what quotation marks are for. Good luck and keep plugging away.

Answer 2

Honestly it needs some work.I don't like the part "love that is taken but not being repaid well enough and all i receive is immature behavior,that has all got to go.That would be a good start.

Answer 3

It's good for a start. It seems more a true cry from the heart than a piece of art however. I would show that special person this poem rather than try to publish it.

Answer 4

Not bad and I like that it ends where it began 9/10

Answer 5

4 out of 5! not the best ever, but it could have good sales!

Answer 6

It is sad. I think anytime you convey your words to poem or creative writing it is great. It is a great release.

Answer 7

Yes
It is a replica of your thoughts

Answer 8

yes

Answer 9

that was really nice, didnt read the first one, but this one is sincere :))

Answer 10

Who the **** is brunette poet, she don't even write rhymes.