How do I get past the blame stage and move on?

Question

I am getting a divorce and it seems he's always trying to point out that I am wrong and I am always trying to prove that I am not and that there are healthy reasons to leave.
UGH. Help.

Answer 1

He's right in one respect. There is a healthy reason to leave, namely that one of you doesn't want to be married.

Have you considered that every time you defend yourself, you are only validating him by argueing? You don't have anything to fight for (as you are already getting a divorce and not trying to keep him). So ignore his arguements and focus on you and what you're doing instead of him and what he's saying and doing.

Try this, IT ACTUALLY WORKS...

Make the most important thing in your life YOU. Dress sexier, workout like you are going to meet Mr. Right in a few weeks. Work harder or smarter at your job. Pamper yourself. In your spare time do the things that YOU love to do. This will accomplish 2 things. First, it will make you feel better about yourself in every respect (which is incredibly important right now for you). Second, (and this is a bit sinister, but helps a bit with the rage inside) it shows him that what he is losing is someone who is better than anyone that he will ever find out in the rest of the world. Good luck and hang in there!

Answer 2

Well, if you made a vow to be with him forever, and are now breaking it, you are either wrong now to break the vow or were wrong then.

I understand you have feeling or no longer have feelings. However, love and marriage are NOT about feelings. Feelings come and go. Love and marriage is about commitment.

If he heard you vow to be with him until death do you part, and you are now leaving, I'm sure he's feeling pretty betrayed right about now. Especially if he is willing to do the work needed to make a marriage work.

I don't doubt you feel what you feel. The problem is, too many times people who go on their feelings do it in a selfish fashion and either spend little time being concerned about their spouses feelings or they assume their spouse thinks and feels the same way they do.

Usually, they are very wrong about this, and then wonder why their spouse doesn't behave as expected.

Chances are, you were planning to leave for a long time, and then did it. So you have already worked out your feelings to suit yourself.

The problem typically is that you didn't include your husband in this decision, so he has a lot longer road to travel, to process things you've already processed.

Personally, having been left by my now ex-wife, without the slightest warning, and after suspecting something wasn't right, but being assured every time I asked that everything was peachy, she just left.

From my point of view, it was the ultimate betrayal. When I discovered her affair, the betrayal only became worse.

I certainly hope my perspective can help you understand why your husband thinks the way he does. Chances are he does love you, believes things can be worked out, and simply wants a chance to do this, and to be told how to do it in clear terms that he understands.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can share how he may feel.

But don't take my word for it. Print this out, show him and ask him if this hits home. If so, then I hope you can use this information.

We men may not be very good at saying when we love you. However, we often have a very deep love for our women that isn't always obvious.

So, when you leave, especially when we see no effort to work on the marriage with a professional, before you go really hurts, and it feels like we've been lied to, manipulated, used and thrown away.

Answer 3

I know who to blame in my divorce! He hit me and got into coke with his business partner so if there needs to be blame I know where it needs to go!

We often define who we are by our relationships and when they change we are forced to look deep at ourselves. Take a look inside your soul. Could you have changed things? Should? Would? Do some self reflection. It does help. Take a step back from your ex- dont talk t him for a bit. Dont give him the control or power. Find a place and meditate on it without being pulled in all directions. Your heart will speak to you.

Blame isnt that bad. It creates anger. The anger forces change (ie your divorce) and can bring about positive changes. Just make sure these are the changes you want. Questioning this makes me think you arent positive this is what your heart is saying.

Answer 4

Honestly, (and this isn't going to win me a lot of points) if you are the one initiating the divorce, then the divorce IS your fault.

Now, you may have reasons for wanting a divorce, but you haven't stated what those are. And if you are just expecting people here to pat you on the back and affirm your decission when you have given us no specifics, well I suppose there are some here who will do that, but such advice is meaningless... kind of like this "question".

Answer 5

sounds like you are right to get out of there. the thing is, if he cannot respect the fact that this feels right to you, then he must not really care about ur feelings and well-being. this is a time when u need support not badgering. If you listen and trust yourself you will realize that u will never be able to prove anything to him, you already know whats right for yourself and your leaving him because he doesnt

Answer 6

we can't change others just ourselves. its all about expectations of the other, unless there is some devine intervention the marriage will die from the pressure that comes from these expectations. have u tried counseling, talking to him, he seems to want to have control over u, if things don't go his way he blames u. he needs to look at himself before he criticizes u, but u won't be able to make him see that.