How should I tell my kids that their cousin died of SIDS?

Question

my neice just died of sids, and she was 11 months old. She was walking, talking, and a happy baby untill about 3 days ago she died of sids. My kids are 10, 5, 2, and six months. they wereexited about going to her birthday party this friday (she would turn 1) but I have to tell them so they are not freaked out right before the party. I am crying right know. HELP!!!

I really need to know how to tell my 10 year old. She is a girl and LOVED her cousin. She doesn't take the "anngel in heaven" things. She is an adult she thinks that stuff is cheesy. I know if I just tell her she will go CRAZY and kick and yell and I can't just sit there! My five and 2 year old won't be THAT mad (well maybe my 5 year old a little)

Oh yeah, We are Jewish

Answer 1

I lost my first born to SIDS at 5 months old. My sister's son was only 3 at the time and they were close, as are me and my sister. My sister told him that she was sick, because he did go to the funeral to say goodbye. What is good for one child may not necessarily be good for another it just depends on the child and how they deal with these types of situations. It is hard to explain something like SIDS to a child when you don't even understand it as an adult. I mean how do you tell a child that another child died and nobody knows why. That can be scarry for an older child because they may fear it could happen to them. With that being said you do have to be careful what you say to them. There are support groups available for children that have lost a loved one and there are tons of groups online that can help give you advice on how to deal with this situation. I joined a group called sidsfamilies after I lost my daughter and it is open to mothers, fathers, aunt's, uncle's, grandparents, etc. of SIDS babies. That helped me out a lot along with the support of my family and my doctor. My nephew is now almost 7 and he still remembers his little cousin and knows that she is in heaven now. We never stopped talking about her because we didn't want her to be forgotten. I have a 3-year-old at home now that knows who Molleigh is and knows that she lives in heaven with God. Some people find it easier not to talk about the child anymore, like I said everyone is different on how they handle their grief. Good luck and I'm sorry for the loss.

Answer 2

The ten year old can handle the full truth. The five year old should be told less, and not a whole lot of detail. The other two won't remember it later. You can tell the five and two year old that she was very sick and she died, and let them assume there was more to it than they were told at the time. Keep it brief and factual, and then let it go. Plan something else for that day they were excited about.

Don't dwell on it for the three younger ones, and don't leave them with the idea it could happen to them. The ten year old can handle a factual discussion when you're up to it, including the bit about putting babies to bed on their backs.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Answer 3

Your daughter is old enough to hear your honesty, she will appreciate that you dont make up stories about angels etc and are treating her like a grown up. Yes she may kick and scream but that is her way of coping so just let her get it out out her system then be ready to cuddle her and answer her questions. Keep it simple at first, she wont digest much more than the basic facts anyhow. If you think about it you dont listen or take much in after you hear the horrible word 'death' Then, as i say, when she is calm you can talk it through. Your 5 year old will go with your cues and probably wont understand at first, again keep it simple and be honest. i agree its your 10 year old that will take it hardest. I am so so sorry for your loss and send you all lots of love x

Answer 4

I also am so sorry. I agree with the advice of the other responders except, I would tell them individually. The reason is because of their ages, they will have very different initial responses to the horrible news. Your two tear old will not yet understand; the five year old probably doesn't grasp that death is permanent and may ask questions that will more anger or upset your ten year old. Your ten year old may scare or intensify the situation if she acts as angry as you describe. You can then have a more adult conversation with her. explaining SIDS, crying with her, talking of support groups, etc. After all of the children are told, you can grieve as a family. Thoughts are with you and your family...

Answer 5

Tell her the truth and explain SIDS to her in such a way that she realizes that it isn't something that can be detected in advance. She may freak out but in the long run she will appreciate you more for treating her like an adult. She may even surprise you and not throw a fit. Kids are very unpredictable when it comes to death. Just don't treat her like a child. She probably already knows about death to a point by school and friends. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. God Bless.

Answer 6

I'm so sorry for your loss. The best way is to just tell them the truth. It's going to be very hard. I'd suggest maybe telling your 10 year old seperatley, because it sounds like she may need quite a bit of comfort. Let them all know that it's okay to cry, because this is a sad time, and if they have any questions, they should know that it's always okay to ask.

Answer 7

So Sorry for your pain and loss! It is a frightening fact of life that children come into this world without fully developed lungs or imperfect nerve impulse to the brain, whatever and it's not apparent at birth or even at 2,4mo. the children appear normal and thrive for a time and then just somehow short-circuit so to speak. Your children need to gently be informed of this very sad truth and encouraged to realize that though the child will be missed on earth it is happy with God in heaven and one day we shall all be united in heaven.

Answer 8

I'm so sorry for your loss, and your whole family's pain. I would just tell them that she died, give them an explanation of heaven if that is what you believe, and save further explanations in case the older kids ask specific questions. Definitely be honest with your answers, but don't necessarily tell them 100% of it right away. Just what they seem to want to know. Let them know it's ok to cry, it's ok to be mad because this just isn't fair! And it's good for them to see you cry, too.

You could suggest making a card together for your niece's parents, and/or something special for her funeral, a small photo collage or something. The children should only go to the funeral if they feel they want to.

I wish your family peace and comfort.

Answer 9

Tell the 10 and 5 year olds the truth. I doubt you'll have to say anything to the 2 year old right now since their understanding of death is minimal. But the 10 and 5 year old know what death is (or should)

Answer 10

They have the right to mourn too. Tell them what happened, tell them that sometimes, babies stop breathing and nobody knows why. Tell them that their little brother/sister will be okay but understand if they need to check every night just like you will. Hold them, cry, teach them how to hurt and heal. This is hard but it is part of life. I'm so sorry to hear that. All my love and best wishes.