Dividing household chores?

Question

Me and my girlfriend of 4 years live together. We both go to school as full time students (12 credit hours each). I must commute 1 hour to my campus, and then I return back to the city I live in and work in for eight hours. I work full time at a major insurance company, and I don't get off work until 3AM. My girlfriend works part time at her campus, which is here in Cleveland, and she also does a one day a week stint at a car dealership on Sundays. I am a senior taking upper division courses; she is a sophomore taking her basic requirement courses. We run into a problem with keeping the apartment clean because I have little to no time, and she doesn't feel like she does either, despite being home much more often than I am. I expect her to do more of the chores only because she is home more hours out of the week then I am. She gets frustrated because she feels like doing more chores impedes her study time...but what about mine?

I feel guilty because I don't belive that as a woman its her responsibility. But I do belive that we are supposed to be a team; I make substantially more than she does and thus reducing my hours at work puts us both in financial trouble, likewise part of my finances are tied to my continuing full time in school. She only works at her convinence, as she really has no financial responsibilties. Yet we constantly fight over this. I can't stand it when i get home and the apartments a mess- but If I dare say a word, all hell breaks loose!

my point in regards to my income and school is that I cannot change it. I cannot reduce my hours at work nor can I cut back on classes. I still feel that I should do some chores, and I do many of them still. truthfully if the role were reveresed i would hold myself to the same standards. As far my being a senior and her a sophomore, last time I checked my workload from each class, to include reading and writing, was substantially more rigourous than hers. (I have more reading and writing to do on average)

Answer 1

You two need to sit down and talk about this like rational human beings - no accusations, whining, or fighting. You should make a time chart, together, of what each person does each day. Seeing the schedules in black and white will possibly make her see that she does have much more time then you, or help you both find extra time to get things done. Explain to her why this is important to you, but also make it clear that you do not expect her to sacrifice her own studies either. You might have to make some compromises, like lowering your standards. A few dishes in the sink (7 or less) and some dusty shelves will just have to be okay for now.

My finace and I are also full time students and part time workers and we share the load accordingly. I do most of the housework because I have a lighter course-load and I fit in the laundry room better! I try to space things out so they don't take up my time.
Some tips:
1.) wash the dish as soon as you use it
2.) toss in a load of clothes while you are studying. If you have a favorite show on T.V., then plan to fold all of the dry clothes while watching the show. Not impeding on study time!
3.) Set aside on weekend-day a month to clean the big stuff (floors, bathrooms, anything that takes longer then 30 minutes to complete.)
4.) Dust while reading the textbook or notes, it is really not that hard!

With a little patience, understanding and creativity you can get the necesities done without someone feeling resentful.

Answer 2

You're sort of in a marriage situation... and marriage is a give and take relationship. Whoever says it's 50/50 is wrong... you can't measure people with numbers. Sometimes one person has to give a little more in the relationship, sometimes one can take a little more. You need to sit down with your gf and calmly discuss how you wish she would pull a little more weight. Try writing down your weekly schedule and have her write down hers and compare the two. Then you can both point out free time when one or the other could be doing something. Other ideas... every little bit helps. Thought I'm a stay-at-home Mom, I can get caught up with all that's going on and not do chores for a while. My husband will come home after a 12 hour day, and before he even sits down to rest, he'll do simple things like pick up and put away any shoes or jackets that are laying around, take the dishes left on the table to the sink, throw away any newspaper that might have been scattered across the floor, or my favorite, he always, always, always, puts his dirty clothes directly into the washer (or on top in a basket if there are clean clothes in it.) These things only take a few minutes, and then he can sit down and relax and the place surprisingly looks a lot tidier. Though you work long hours, try doing something of the same. Discuss with her the same routine as well. Don't expect her to do it all... I do agree she should be pulling more weight around the apartment, but you should gladly offer to help her at anytime, or just get up and do a little yourself without complaining. Good luck to you!

Answer 3

Come up with a roster detailing your class schedule and working hours. Do the same for her. Once you have imprinted this information on paper, it'll be much easier to sum up the hours you both have accumulated for working and studying. From that, calculate the number of hours you both need for additional revision. That will leave the balance number of hours for your leisure activities. Try to incorporate housekeeping as a leisure activity. Both of you can handle different items together (you can do the laundry while she sweeps the apartment). After it's all done, give yourselves a little treat by eating out or doing something you both enjoy. In addition, you have to commute for 2 hours back and forth daily. Use that time as your revision time. That way, you can cut back on studying once you reach home, which will leave more room for household chores. If all else fails, get a maid.

Answer 4

I believe the chores are both of your responsibilities. If you can't work this out between you, I don't see much future in this relationship. What you need to do is both pitch in and get the mess cleaned up. Then keep it that way. If you clean as you go, it only takes a few minutes at a time to keep it that way as opposed to several hours if you let it get out of control. We share the house work around our house. No one has specific chores, it's a "if you see somethin that needs to be done - do it" arrangement. Try it and I assure you that the relationship will improve and it won't take all your time.

Answer 5

How can u be a full time student and yet be a full time worker?
I am sure you guys can work out something during the weekend to do some cleaning.

Answer 6

cwido,
If you're sure you can't find time and if the roommate isn't philosophically opposed to housework and if getting the housework done helps you be more successful, then share the spoils and make it worth her while. If she can expect dinner and a movie when the laundry is done, then you can probably get the housework done and maybe a little affection to boot.

Answer 7

Hahaha - you make more money so feel its not your responsibility. Plus youre totally belittling her with all your comments on senior level classes vs her basic. Nice try. Quit your whining and do your share (or more - is that so terrible) or if you make so much money, hire help.

Answer 8

Get rid of her. She's nothing but excess baggage.