Should I move out?

Question

I'm 18 and in high school and live with my parents. I'm going to a local community college, about 30 min from my house next year. My parents want me to live with them for another year or so but I don't know if I can. Because my parents and being around them make me feel so small. I love them and really appreciate that they try to do everything for me but it has made me get a big inferiority complex, made me feel guilty, and made me hate myself and feel incompetent, weak, and immature. When I'm around them it gets worse, and its getting to the point where I can barely stand being around them because of these feelings and I feel so at peace when I'm alone. The thing is though I have no money to get a place, they've kept me from getting a job for five years no matter how much I begged to have one, even just to get rid of some of the guilt. I decided that I can't let them keep me from having a job anymore, I need the money and if I'm getting a place I'm going to have to work basically 24/7 this summer, which I was planning to do anyway. But I feel like they won't have it, they want me to live at home, they even expected me when I was thinking of going to a state college an hour and a half away to commute back and forth every day and live at home. They're having a really hard time letting go and I get that and feel for them but at the same time they;re not TRYING, and I'm TRYING to be as understanding as possible but its just making me more depressed. I seriously just get so much satisfaction just going on my own and interacting with people and knowing I cna do it without them hanging over me, but its crazy they want to go EVERYWHERE with me even though there's no point of them being there and I can drive now. And my mom's nuts she insists on doing things like my hair sometimes and it makes me feel so immature and hate myself and she gets depressed when I don't let her do it. I mean its getting to me and my self esteem, its been going on so long. And I just can't stand up to them no matter how much I may want to so I'm thinking the best thing to do is leave.

Answer 1

The first thing I would do is get a job. Don't let it consume your life though since college takes up a lot of time. If you can work for the first year and live at home you can save money. This way your second year maybe you can move out. I would also try to talk to your parents and tell them how you feel. Don't get defensive, just tell them exactly what you have said in this question. I think they may be going through the empty nest syndrome and it hurts to see their little girl grow up. Since you are technically an adult, sit down and talk like an adult. Good Luck

Answer 2

Dude! Get a back bone! I mean that in a positive way. I suggest that you write out a goal plan on a piece of paper. The reason being is that you have over-bearing parents that mean well, but are enabling you not to be responsible or it could be them not trusting you. You need to ask yourself," Have I done things in the past that my parents don't trust me". It takes Two to tango in a relationship remember that. You have communicate with your parents.

Well, back to the goal sheet. Plan your goals and show your parents and let them know how you feel. If this doesn't work get yourself your job and show them you mean business, that you want to take control of your life; and you want to make your own decisions or mistakes. That's part of becoming an adult. You also, can go to your local college and find out if they have dorms. Some local colleges have dorms and inquire what financial programs they have that may suit your financial needs because college or state universities are expensive.

If your parents are still not supportive I suggest family counseling for about month or two so, you have another neutral opinion involved. DON'T let this matter be an obstacle to get your education. Try to be patient but don't give up.

Answer 3

Okay...I can kind of relate. I think that you SHOULD get a job. It will really be good for you AND you can start to save up some money. But be careful with that because it sounds like your parents will say "Oh, you're never home anymore." If that happens, just explain to them that you really WANT to have a job right now (don't say need because then they will probably say...for what? You live here, no one is kicking you out). Maybe a good goal to have would to move out once you are ready to go to a University.
You don't have to let your mom do your hair and things like that. You are 18 years old. You are legally responsible for yourself, you can vote, all kinds of things. If you want to spend time with your parents, that's great. But don't let them guilt you into anything. And if your mom gets depressed about you not letting her do your hair or something, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It is her being sad because you are grown and you don't need her for every little thing anymore. If you want a compromise, you could ask her if your hair looks good. Don't let her do your hair, just ask. That will show that you do still value her opinion, but ultimately, it is up to you.
I know that it is tough, but hang in there. I know what you are going through, but it gets better.

Answer 4

I know what you're talking about. I'm living with my mom and three sisters, and I've been dying to get out of the house and find my own apartment to live in, take care of college through a student loan, and just live by myself, it feels so much better when I'm by myself, so I know just what you're talking about. Unfortunately, I have no job and employers are WAY too picky to hire me, so I can't really make much of a living. Anyways, I would encourage you to do whatever you feel best with. I'm trying hard to do that for myself, but everyone here is a little too attached and won't let me out (that's one reason why it's hard for me to leave). It just feels like something easier, in my opinion. If you feel it would be better for you, I say you do what you can. I wish you good luck with whatever you end up doing.

Answer 5

Are you by any chance the youngest child? And are they about to become "empty nesters"?
Can you try talking to a very close and trusted relative or friend of the family, and tell them privately and openly exactly what you have told us? You need someone to step in on your behalf. Be sure and tell them you are seriously concerned that your parents will become depressed when you move out, but it is not fair to prevent you from having this cance to grow into an adult and become reliable and independent.
There used to be a saying. It went something like "If you love someone, set them free. If it is meant to be, they will return to you at the right time."
A lot of parents would love to have a child who was as mature as you re, willing and able to take on a lot of responsibility at age 18. Hang in there.

Answer 6

Talk to them, let them now how you feel. They can never do anything to change if they don't know anything is wrong. Maybe just mention it to them a little at a time till you work up the courage and strength to tell them everything. And tell them you arent leaving forever, make plans with them to come have Sunday dinner every week, and tell them that you will set up a schedule to call them once a day at a certain time or something. Let them know you are only physically leaving, not emotionally. Best of Luck.

Answer 7

It does sound like your mom is having a hard time letting go. You seem to have a pretty good head on your shoulders, I have to commend you for that. It looks like you have really thought a lot about this.
I think its ok to move out. You have to realize that there are many people going to the same college as you that are looking to rent out one of their rooms to a student or there are many students looking for other student roommates.
I think your most difficult part will be getting a job. It sounds as if they don't want you to have a job because they want to control that one part of you that helps create independance, which is "money".. Without a job, you can't have money to move away or go do things that you want to do.
I would just tell them that you are getting a job, but wait until you are hired already.. They clearly don't want you gone, so they probably won't kick you out, they will just be disappointed. But that kind of dissapointment will help them to let go a little bit.
For me, I finally had to just end up leaving! It hurt them for some time, but eventually they understood why I left, and we still have a great relationship. So don't think its going to have a bad ending, all wounds take time to heal.
But your wounds are important. If you are feeling down on yourself because of how you are being treated, you need to get out of that situation.
I wish you lots of luck!

Answer 8

As someone who has studied psychology and has been in this situation personally(left home at 18), yes, you should leave if the situation is as bad as you described. Your self-confidence, strength, and competence are things you NEED to have as a functioning adult, and you deserve them. If anyone, even your parents, are preventing you from having these things, you need to leave. The best thing to do, if you don't have the money, is to borrow the money from a friend or someone you trust, or find it some other way. If not, it is best to try to communicate openly with your parents.

Answer 9

Seems like your parents care about you and want to have their shadow over you. It also seems you are being selfish and just want to do things just so it makes you happy. Family is more important than anything. Life in not about doing things for yourself but making a difference in other peoples life. I know all this is hard to grasp but you have to see the whole picture. Besides why the h*** would you want to live by yourself when you can save all that money living with your parents...this way you will save rent, food money and do the right thing,

Answer 10

It's YOUR life. I would get a job and move out as soon as you can. It isn't as expensive as you might think, especially if you have roomates. Look around for roomate wanted ads. You will probably get enough money for graduation to get you well on your way. If there is a place you can move into over the summer i would. You need your freedom.