The day's just beginning, you see the girl you love,you don't know what to do or say, you're friends, you talk to eachother everyday,
on the phone, computer, etc...you're walking with her, talking, laughing, having the time of your life, the sun hits ya, you smile at her she smiles at you, it's time to say goodbye, you hug and walk off...you're walking, past places where we played as kids, later you talk to eachother, time's ending, you say you'll see eachother tomorrow, you know what, you're in goddamn love, is there anything else better in the world"
2007-03-07 13:22:43 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Polls & Surveys
if its from the heart, its beautiful.
2007-03-07 13:26:30 · answer #1 · answered by vampychic727 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First off...id break it up a little....its written like a paragraph in a story...second...it doesn't have to rhyme and most often poems are better when they don't...Also id check the spelling and get some more "wow" words in there...try never to use a description word twice (Smile and then smiles)....
This is what id do with it in regards to breaking it up....
Day just beginning
you see the girl you love.
You don't know what to do or say,
you're friends
you talk to each other everyday,
you're walking with her,
talking,
laughing,
having the time of your life.
The sun hits,
you smile at her she smiles back.
it's time to say goodbye
you hug and walk off...
past places where we played as kids
later you talk to each other
time's ending
you say you'll see each other tomorrow
you know what, you're in goddamn love
is there anything else better in the world
also you have you written WAY to many times...change the words around a little...this isn't bad for a first draft....keep in mind revision is what makes a piece good...
2007-03-08 01:49:10 · answer #2 · answered by stuartnin 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sucks
2007-03-07 21:29:38 · answer #3 · answered by Emo Rabbi 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Bwahahahahaha!
It's got a nice special ed ring to it.
2007-03-07 21:36:45 · answer #4 · answered by Zapatta McFrench 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well its not really "deep" or anything. kind of reminds me something a 7th grader would write. ...not that im bashing you! it just seems like a puppy love kind of thing
2007-03-07 21:26:47 · answer #5 · answered by Brittney 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is a feel good poem
2007-03-08 00:46:57 · answer #6 · answered by milo2angel 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Cute. Its a story.
2007-03-07 21:26:00 · answer #7 · answered by moonkissedwarrior 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
nice
2007-03-07 21:26:28 · answer #8 · answered by mandy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
your cursing ruined the whole poem....respect your maker GOD
2007-03-07 21:28:13 · answer #9 · answered by sunflare63 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sweet
2007-03-07 21:27:16 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋