Get a divorce or stay and suffer?

Question

I have a friend who is very unhappy in his marriage. He and his wife fight constantly and cannot help sometimes but to fight in front of their two kids. She knows their marriage is on the rocks and recently stopped taking her birth control to trap him. He is very unhappy and I hate seeing him like this but have no idea what to tell him to do. I'm not a mother but I am a child of divorce and I was happier when my parents split because at least I could see them happy on their own instead of fighting together. However, I know that I may be the exception to the rule, so has anyone else gone through this? He will be miserable if he stays, but what about the children? They are 5, 10 and currently gestating. Is it better to have your parents together when they are miserable or see them apart and happy? I have chosen to stay out of it because something like this is nothing anyone should be poking at but he's so lost he recently confessed thoughts of suicide. Please help!

Please don't insinuate that I am having an affair with him. He is a friend and I would never come between him and his wife. No, I haven't given him any advice yet to stay out of it but I do not think thoughts of suicide are jokes or something to be ignored. I lost my father to suicide. I don't want to go through that again, much less look into the eyes of his young kids (whom I adore) knowing they just lost their father to something senseless and I knew about it ahead of time. They would never be whole again and I won't abandon him when he needs me. All his male friends ever say to him is "stay... just cheat" but that's not him. He lets his 5 year old son do the flirting and has never stepped out of line with me or anyone else. I don't want him to leave her if their marriage can be helped I just want him happy. And I CERTAINLY do not want him divorced so I can have him to myself.

Answer 1

There must be some alternatives that they have not yet explored.
Marriage counseling might be a good place to start. They could discuss the reasons behind the unhappiness and get advice from a professional for how to change things.

I don't belive in giving up until both parties have honestly tried to work through their differences indivually and with guidance from a third party.

The suicide thoughts are an indication of depression, which is probably a result of feeling stuck and having no control over his life. He at least needs to see a psychologist to address his depression before he follows through on his suicidal thoughts.

Answer 2

Have they tried counseling? This can be very, very helpful. Sometimes we marry the wrong people or even if we marry the right person and don't know how to keep it together the end result is the same - Divorce. But that doesn't mean the marriage can't work. They can still have a fulfilling, happy marriage. The question is not "do they have all the answers?" but rather "are the willing to find the answers together?" Marriage is tough but wonderful if both parties are willing to try. Tell your friend to stop looking for the easy out and get tough. If they really want it to work then they will do the things it takes to make it work. I recommend this book: Marriage On The Rocks by Jimmy Evans. It helped my marriage and I think it can help your friends too.

Answer 3

Of course it's better to have a mom and dad home, no doubts about that. Depending on what their fights are about they should really try to stick it out and take their marriage vows seriously. Suicide isn't funny, so I would tell him that it isn't worth ending his life because his wife is a nagging b*tch.

Honestly, I would give him your support, but stay out of it. You don't want to be responsible for a divorce or whatever...it'll come back to bite you. My parents stayed together, why? Because they took their marriage vows seriously, and decided that divorce was not an option for them. Married couples need to stick together through thick and thin. Exceptions include cheating, addiction, abuse, and so on...That's my advice in a nutshell.

Answer 4

They should not stay together if they are going to fight in front of the kids. Kids have a way of thinking everything is there fault. Unless they want to scar thier kids for life they need to call it quits, or get professional help and keep the fighting away from the kids.

Answer 5

First of all, I know you "care" about your friend. But if he hasn't left her yet or is not already planning to leave her..he still loves her, and there is NOTHING you can do about it. He still loves her, even though she treats him like dirt, that is none of your business. That is his business that he needs to resolve. Just be there to listen.When he needs you to be. And when the time comes when he says,"can you help me move my stuff out of the place", then its time to move in and lend him a helping hand. And for his wife that stop taking the birth control pill, well..she can only get pregnant if he is still sleeping with her, and if things were SO bad, he wouldn't even be sleeping with her or worrying about that right now. And if you like him and see him more than a friend, wait a while before you decide to take it to the next level. He will need some time to heal. Good luck..

Answer 6

if someone is not happy in marriage u should allways get out the fighting and the yelling is not good especially if u have kids the kids suffer the most i have been their and i got out of a bad marriage and i have over come a lot .it is better for the kids to see their mom and dad happy and that means happy apart then that what is has to be. my kids see how happy i am with out their dad and i have started a new life and they are proud of me my kids also are 10 and 5

Answer 7

Actually, statistics show that children who are raised with one, relatively happy parent (or jointly with parents who don't live together) are much better off and better adjusted as adults than children who grow up in an unhappy household. If they are fighting all the time, he should get out because that is how his children will learn to communicate and it will only hurt them in the long run.

Answer 8

Why does he have to do either? They should try communicating without getting defensive or angry. Obviously there are issues, but why do they both seem so unwilling to budge? What are they fighting about? Is it one issue all the time or are there several different ones? It takes work, persistence and a willingness to compromise for the good of the marriage, but it is possible to make it work. Instead of feeling sorry for himself, he should focus his energies on fixing his marriage.

Answer 9

Why do people stay when it is so bad, I chose to take my kids out of it and they are doing GREAT! They only see him once in awile. To each their own but I say don't teach you kids to live like that, and allow others to be mean to them, better yet be smart enough to NOT stay and marry someone you don't get along with or that teats you bad. I learned that the hard way,I hope I have taught them better!

Answer 10

my parents we much happier when they got divorced. my dad has been remarried for almost 11 years, and my mom has been dating a guy for just as long.

she cant TRAP him into staying. if things get worse shes just going to be stuck with one more child to take care of alone in the future. tell them to get counseling or a lawyer soon. and if he's thinking of suicide, make sure he knows how much that will destroy his kids and if he's that lost in the relationship then just get out. its healthier for both of them