It was freezing outside. I couldn’t feel my feet anymore. I started walking toward my house. The road was as silent as a cementary. Then I heard footsteps behind me. I looked back and saw no one. I was feeling goosebumps. I knew I wasn’t alone anymore. I could feel the presence of something following me. I started to feel scared now. Suddenly the sound of steps stopped. I turned around and saw the creepiest animal I have ever seen. It was like a big dog with eyes of a cat and claws of a bear. It was making a screeching noise that would even scare the dead. I started running faster than ever. I could feel it following me
2007-03-07 12:44:38 · 16 answers · asked by ŁỤĭŞ 5 in Education & Reference ➔ Homework Help
first of all, you keep changing from past tense to present tense-"I was feeling goosebumps. I knew I wasn’t alone anymore. I could feel the presence of something following me. I started to feel scared now. Suddenly the sound of steps stopped. I turned around and saw ". second of all, your sentences are waay to short, just combine some sentences rather than all of those simple sentences lying about. Third of all, your descriptions are just faint snapshots rather than a full-depth descreption. focus on one thing and elaborate. actually, it depends on what grade you're in, but you be the judge of comparing your level to that. and some parts of your sentences aren't necessary such as "i could feel it following me". change that to something better. and "It was making a screeching noise that would even scare the dead." should be changed to something like "a curious screeching noise was being emitted from its throat, the likes of which no soul had ever heard before, nor should ever have to" or something like that. not my best work, just a quick glimpse by the way... other than that, i think that's a good approach and i like the way you think; just keep working on that writing of yours and you'll do fine.
2007-03-07 13:20:06 · answer #1 · answered by some random kid 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I copied you here's my story:It was freezing outside. I couldn’t feel my feet anymore. I started walking toward my house. The road was as silent as a cementary. Then I heard footsteps behind me. I looked back and saw no one. I was feeling goosebumps. I knew I wasn’t alone anymore. I could feel the presence of something following me. I started to feel scared now. Suddenly the sound of steps stopped. I turned around and saw the creepiest animal I have ever seen. It was like a big dog with eyes of a cat and claws of a bear. It was making a screeching noise that would even scare the dead. I started running faster than ever. I could feel it following me.
2007-03-07 12:52:16 · answer #2 · answered by angelsloveslight 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like the ending of the paragraph, it's interesting. I would keep reading.
Your writing seems simplistic and choppy. You should add some more detail so it flows better and gives the reader a better chance to imagine what's going on.
I think you could make a better animal then that though. Use some more details...what color, was there a drool, coming from the mouth, a savage look of hunger in its eyes. I not a good writer but something along the lines of that.
Great start!
2007-03-07 12:50:40 · answer #3 · answered by bond35 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's a great start but it sounds choppy because your sentences are all the same length. Try combining a few of the sentences to give it flow. Ex: It was like a big dog with eyes of a cat and claws of a bear, screeching as if to wake the dead.
2007-03-07 12:50:27 · answer #4 · answered by n.t. 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This replaced into featured on Discovery's in many situations authentic thoughts and it went something like this... A ineffective lady invested in a wig that she donned on a daily basis. She might take it out to be styled, coiffed, etc. She even slept in it:) at some point as she replaced into on the element of go out she observed that there have been little spiders coming from interior her wig! She decrease off all her hair in sheer panic. the lady ended up at a psychological asylum subsequently. It freaked me out as i've got arachnophobia. Creepy!
2016-10-17 12:50:36 · answer #5 · answered by fugere 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very good introduction, i could also see the image of the story in my head. You can probably just change the animal to something else, usually in scary stories its a person or something so change it a little bit and your story will be a hit lol
2007-03-07 12:53:16 · answer #6 · answered by Who Me? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The sentences are too short, not very descriptive, and almost every word begins with "I". You have a good idea in your head but spice it up and intensify it with your imagination. And make the scene around you scary, but do not let the reader know you are scared.
2007-03-07 12:52:55 · answer #7 · answered by element_op 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
YES IT IS GOOD BUT I WOULD SAT TO TAKE OUT THE "I could feel it following me" part other than that it sound pretty good i got in to the story just readign the frist few lines
2007-03-07 12:52:01 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why couldn't you feel your feet if you just started walking toward your house? Other than that, I think it is good and pretty scary.
2007-03-07 12:49:20 · answer #9 · answered by moonrose777 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good introduction to what? An essay?
It's good but I personally wouldn't use a scary story. It just seems a little cheesy. That's just me.
2007-03-07 12:48:23 · answer #10 · answered by TOGA TOGA 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋