My spouce is cheating on me and confused after I found out.?

Question

Hi,
We were married for 10+ years with two kids. I recently found out that my spouce is in love with someone else. After discussions with friends and family we decided to changes our ways of doing thigs to make things better. I kept my end of the bargain but my spouce is still in touch with the other person. It doesn't seem to end. Few months passed and same story. The kids are really young one of them is barely one year old. I asked my spouce if there is love between us and I was told "yes". But here is the situation, one day there are emails/phone calls with the other person then next day all love and affection towards me. I feel that my spouce is confused and don't know which way to go. I am not sure what to do. I am worried about the kids and the custody of them if I file for divorce. My spouce's parents are asking me to wait and see what happens. What am I supposed to do? Please help!!!

All,
Thank you for your kind answers. After reading them, I want to clarify "spouce" word. It is my wife that is cheating on me. Most of the answers assumed that the husband is cheating here. But it is my wife who is cheating on me. Thanks again.

Answer 1

Make an appointment with a Marriage and family therapist. You both need to be comfortable with your choice so keep looking if that doesn't happen.
Your in-laws sound as though they are on the side of your marriage, you are very lucky as they may be able to help your husband reconnect with his family.
First thing is he must absolutely stop all contact with his affair partner. He must not reply to her ever. I personally would never contact or have words with the other woman...I don't think it is helpful for her to think you spent more than a millisecond of time thinking of her.
Your marriage cannot take a see what happens attitude...marriage is work.

Answer 2

i know being in a marriage for that long is hard to walk away, but if you both tried to make things better by changing certain things, then why keep trying to comprimise when the other person is still walking all over you?
your problem is that you let your spouse do this to you and that is why they are doing it. also you need to look at the whole picture, obviously the parents of your spouse know what their kid is doing and is still telling you wait and see what happens?!! come on they have no respect for you obviously, and not only that, if they dont see a problem with what is going on then i can see why your spouse doesnt see a problem with it either...
have some self respect and GET A DIVORCE. i am sorry but this is not a real marriage... and wether your spouse be confused or not, who the hell cares, that is no excuse to be doing what they are doing>confused or not.
they obviously went back to "that" other person and it is not going to change if it hasnt already. this "spouse" of yours seems to be taking advantage of you knowing that you are still going to be there by their side, even with what they are doing to you... you must not really "scare" this spouse of yours or have really put your foot down, because you are not being taken seriously and are being made a fool of...
why would you stay in this marriage knowing that your family knows and im sure friends know, if this has been on going... do you like looking like a fool? i wish you the best of luck and please open your eyes! you can do better. i hope you make the right decision or that things get better for your marriage>
ALSO, please dont use the kids as an excuse because thats all it is... im sure you love them but loving your kids does not mean you have to be walked all over and taken advantage of... i wish you only the best!! and may you find happiness.:)

Answer 3

After nine years of marriage.My wife also had an Affair.I moved out cashed out all of my retirement.Purchased all new furniture.And I to have two small kids .It was the most terrible time I had gone through.She told me she was not in love.But I did not beleive her.Any way to make A long story short. We reconciled.And I moved back in.Sold all of our old furniture for A song.And all was well.She eventually got my trust back.And we moved on.Thing were great,Then she did it again.I filed papers two weeks ago.And I am through with her.The pain that was caused by this cannot be put into words.I am reliving it all over again.But now I cannot afford to move.So I am stuck.I love my kids dearly.And I am most concerned with them.We have not told them. And it will crush me to do so.She says that she still would like to remain freind after all is said and.done
However one does not put one through this again and remain freind.She still sees him.And I can honestly say I want nothing to do with her.Hate is A strong word.and I do so HATE HER now more than I have ever loved her.Your spouses parent did not marry her, you did .GET OUT NOW!!!!!!

Answer 4

ok, lets see what your options are. You already tried being patient with your husband and not has not helped. Now, think about what is going through his head. He says there is still love for you but he is acting as if he is not sure who to pick, his love or you. Do you not see the temptation he has of having both of you if he can. That is the key word "if he can". My advice to you is not gonna be simple, especially if he has someone he can run to, but it is the only, and I mean the only solution to your problem. Here it goes. Right now he is struggling to do what is right. You have to make him do what is right. How? By tough love, that is the only way. By this you need to let your husband know of how his cheating has put your marriage in danger. That you do not even know if you can ever forgive him. Let him know that if he is willing to work it out to make the marriage work that then THE CHEATING HAS TO STOP! Tell him, it is either you and the kids, or her. whatever his choice, let him know you will accept it.. If his choice does not include you and his kids, then he is to move out and even live with her if that is what he wants. In otherwords, you are letting him know that no longer are you gonna wait for him to make up his mind. When you say this to him, you have to mean it by your actions or he will not take you seriously. He will most likely think you are not serious. You must prove him wrong. By this I mean after if he does leave, you do not call him or contact him in any way. Time is the only thing that will tell him you are serious. Trust me, he will begin to admire you for your strength, he will wonder what you are doing when he does not hear from you. She will not seem so attractive to him any more. He will start to wonder if he really does want to go after all. But most of all, he will begin to regain the respect he has lost for you. The message you need to give to him is this, if he wants his freedom he has it, or, if it is you and the kids he wants, then he needs to give his all to just that, you and the kids. As I said, this will not be easy but you have no other choice, if you did I would have adviced you differently. Your husband is weak right now. He is torn between doing what is right and what he knows is wrong. Your tough love is the only way to stir him into the right direction, If it does not work out then at least you will remain with your dignity and respect. As I have said, you have no other choice. I have tried this and it worked for me. It took time and strenght on my part. Best of luck to you!

Answer 5

Remember that you are still married. If you love your spouse think about ways to help your situation. But your spouse will have to cut all ties to the other person. You can go to Marriage Builders.com Dr. Harley has some good books.They can be bought on-line or in christian boOK stores. Don't blame yourself, but some needs may not be being met. --- Kids learn what is ok in life from their parents, make sure what ever you do reflects that on them. I hope your spouse will work with you, but if not you will do better.

Answer 6

Your spouse is a very selfish person. You have 2 kids who need a mom and dad who love each other. If that person can not do that then tell them to get the heck out. Ifyour spouse stays there but continues to cheat, your kids will eventually get the impression that it is okay to cheat. You may think they wont understand but kids are smarter than you think, they will eventually figure something isnt right. As far as custody goes, many states do award custody to the mother as long as she is a fit mom but joint custody to the father. But , if there is infidelity in the relationship, you could get your spouse for that!!!!

Answer 7

After four years of the same bull with my spouse I finally had enough. I realized that what he wanted was his cake and to eat it too. We had the good life. One that we both worked hard to accomplish. Four years ago he met this bimbo who wanted in on the good life the easy way. I love my husband, but have come to realize that I was beginning to hate what I was becoming by allowing him to get away with this kind of behavior. Well, guess what "she" has him, but not the good life "she" wanted. I have the house in a major resort, the new car, the bulk of the bank account, and freedom. Today is the first day of our official separation. He has gone back to his rented house in a pissy town 2 hours away. He is crying the blues, but I have had it with him and especially with "her". Guess what the smuck has called me five times today to tell me he misses me. Good for him. Just makes me feel more confident that I have made the right decision.
Want my advice? Don't let your spouse do this to you. I suffered physically and mentally for four years. Your spouse has no respect for you and the more you let them stomp all over you, the harder thay will. Cut your losses now and throw them out before it effects you and your kids. Forget about the in-laws. Who's life is it anyway.

Answer 8

Your greatest tool for dealing with this matter is your openness to dialog with your spouse. Conversation based on sincerity and honesty is the strongest foundation for any relationship. You have already talked to your spouse about this situation, so you should continue to do so until a concrete decision is achieved by both, you and your spouse. Find out what are things he seeks in another partner. Most probably you will be able and willing to please his needs for the sake of true love.

Answer 9

it just isn't worth being in a relationship where one has to share your husband. if it wasn't this woman it would be someone else. this is just who he is, why stay in this under these conditions. this was not about u, because u held up your end, u made sacrifices, u made changes, he didn't, so this has nothing to do with u or anything u have done. u deserve better from life. do what u feel is best, but if things don't change u will eventually get tired of playing second and sharing him.

Answer 10

Honestly, if your spouse is really in love with another person, do you really want to be forcing them to stay with you??? You may be in love with your spouse, but if you dont trust them it makes the relationship very hard. Plus, if you are keeping them with you, just because you love them and want them there, that sort of just becomes "possessing" the person..... Of course both of you will be confused, I would suggest you take a break from each other for a while and see how you both feel, but by trying to make your spouse stay there - you will be driving them further away.
Dont worry about your spouses parents want to do - its nothing to do with them! Its up to you & your spouse - they dont have to live it....