Found out too much about his past marriage....?

Question

I am with a wonderful man, to me anyway. He treats me so wonderfuly buuuuttttt, I am starting to question some things about him. He is a recovered alcoholic (which I knew), he doesnt drink, smoke, party...none of that and right now we are going through an ugly custody battle and his ex wife is using a police report against him that he was abusive. Apparently, he spit in her face, punched her, pulled her hair and told her that he could do whatever he wanted to her because he paid all the bills. Here is the thing...I couldn't possibly see him ever doing a thing like that but I have seen the movie "enough" and that kind of thing, is hidden real well. Another thing, He was never questioned...according to the police report that I read with my own eyes and he deny's. So much seems wrong with the police report like when she filed it, that she didnt want to make a huge deal about it..as she told the officer and the fact that she didnt know where he worked. married for 5 years!

Any thoughts

Answer 1

Well even though the situation seems fishy...I dealt with a similar situation and I got out of it asap! I know now it seems like there is no way that he could be like that BUT in the beginning of a relationship guys can really put on a front. He KNOWS that if he treats you like he treated his ex there is no way you would be with him...so he treats you like a queen but that doesnt mean that he wont slip into his old ways. A guy with a temper is very hard to read. They can be the sweetest guys at first glance or even up to a couple years in the relationship, and once they realize that you love them and it would be hard for you to get out of the relationship...their temper comes out. Some girls can be nasty though, especially when it comes to the custody of their children. Here is what I would do...

Observe how he acts around women that he is comfortable with mom, sister, aunt, sister-in-law, even his ex. See if he is disrespectful to them...if you see even the slightest bit of anger or disrespect....leave him as soon as you can. Is he close with his mom? Did him and his mom have a good relationship? Is his dad a womanizer? Alot of the way he acts is going to reflect on how his parents are/or were. You may even have to have a calm adult conversation with his ex and find out how he treated her and see if she has any proof, pictures, letters, voicemail messages. Dont let him know about this though, it seems a bit untrusting but you need to look out for yourself and your future. Also, ask him about some of these aligations that his ex is throwing out, see what his reactions are.

You are going to have to do some digging to resolve this but you need to figure it out soon before you get in to deep. Just be careful...

Answer 2

Pull up a chair, I have a lot of thoughts on this plus 25 yrs of experience. There is no such thing as a recovered alcoholic. They are recovering for the rest of their lives. They can or most likely will drink again, and once a man has beat a woman before, he always does it again, especially if he is a substance abuser. They call it falling off the wagon. I was in so many relationships where I ws the victim of someones alcohol abuse/drug use. I would just be careful and dont even doubt for a second that he didnt do these things to her. You are only hearing his side. I am sure that woman was tortured by him. I am happy for you that he is not currently drinking, but if heaven help you the day he does. I am truly worried for you.I myself am a victim of a very violent crime. The guy was a bad alcholic. When he didnt have that, there was drugs. If he didnt have either, he was just mean. There is nothing worse than a dry drunk. I suggest you attend an alanon meeting and you will see just what I am saying. Just tread lightly and be cautious with this one. I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 3

Sorry for what you are going threw on this one. Stand by your husband and don't let the ex-wife come between. If he has been good to you throughout, that is all the better reason. Another thing to stand behind him and support him is if the wife he has and trusts doesn't stand true for him, he may get down and depressed and tend to want to back slide. Sounds like he has turned around and is making a good life for you, by what you say! As far as police reports.... If the ex-wife made the report after the fact with him not even around, it is most likely one sided to her advantage. My psycho ex-wife did reports on me when nothing had happened. So I know that it can happen. The only thing that can save you from this type situation is to have witnesses. Hope this helps, and good luck!

Answer 4

yes what do you need to make you open your eyes. His ex is not making up stuff and the police certainly would not fake a report no matter what the ex said. I would be very wary, no I would be getting away from this man. You are not going to see that kind of behavior while he is putting his best foot forward but you heard it he thinks if he pays the bills he owns you. He is nice now because you have not married him yet and you are not "his" yet. Don't become his or you will see just what the ex is talking about if you are lucky enough to get away alive. Run now and save yourself.

Answer 5

i will give you the same advice i have given to others. if you have questions about background that the other party is either un willing or unable to answer then find out on your own. you have access to a computer , so you can order a background search on the person in question. the price is modest and will do alot to alleviate your questions. you can also try talking to some of the ex's old friends. you just need to get all the information so you can make an informed decision instead of acting on just so so information. good luck

Answer 6

You read the report with your own eyes, and he denied that it existed? Or, in the report, he denies the abuse? Either way, she could have stated that she didn't know where he worked, because she was scared for her life at that time, and "didn't want to make a big deal" because she knew this would anger him further. It's very possible that an abusive man will hide it well from you and others, but still have done it. I would be very wary.

Answer 7

I am a victim of domestic violence. It is uncommon for a woman to make such accusations against her husband unless shes just flat out nuts. Since the police were involved. There are records of this. I would believe the police and the ex wife.
These types of people are very good at masking their true colors. My ex was charming. He was very good to me. Then one day, bam! He beat the hell out of me because I wasn't home when he got off work! I put up with this man for 10 years. I spent 2 running. I am still hiding.
Please for your own sake get away from this man.

Answer 8

we always believe everything we hear about the ex, we never think it will be us, because we somehow think we are nothing like the ex, that the same thing will not happen to us, but if your lucky enough to get a glimpse into ones past, u best take it seriously. and never think if they mistreated one wife they won't mistreat the next one. i married a man who had previously been married three times before me, should have been a warning right there, but me being stubborn, thinking i wasn't like them, that this was true love, ya right, he did the same thing to me as he did to the other three. so chances are if they mistreated an ex u will suffer the same fate, maybe sooner, maybe later, but they don't change.

Answer 9

'He treats me so wonderfuly buuuuttttt....'

Stop right there. Anytime you use 'but' it's not good. You either accept him or you don't and it seems just by your statement, you're worried.

If you're going to stay in the relationship (which they all do) I would drag it out a LOOOOOONNNGGG time to make sure he is who he is. Not one year, not two, but like 5 or 7 years.

Answer 10

Sounds like a lot of baggage...investigate more and don't rush into a committed relationship until you're sure