Wife Cheated just Found out?

Question

Been Married 30 years found out wife had two affairs . first 27 years ago for about 18 months . second one 20 years ago and got pregnant and im not the father . i cannt sleep my whole idea of our 30 year love story is gone what to do. I still love her but she said see never really love me. She looks at me like a brother not a lover .four children was this a waste of time. Children are old enought for me to leave. dont know how to feel. maybe start over.She said i was the best father and she stayed for the children,always work made lots of money had everything i thought

Answer 1

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry to hear this....I don't have a clue where you begin or what you do right now.....once your feelings change from being gobsmacked & feeling so hurt....they will switch to anger & outrage....that's when you'll be able to decide what you must do.....what a bi.tch....what a nasty selfish bi.tch....sorry! this is your wife afterall.......

why oh why has she waited so long to tell you this & why now has she decided to blow your world apart & tell you about the affairs she had?

Surely it would have been kinder to let you know years ago when you felt more able to move on with your life.....but you know what, it doesn't matter so much about age anymore....there isn't an age that dictates whether we can pick up the pieces or not, not like back in the day.......don't try to make any decisions right now, afterall, she's kept you hanging without deciding to be honest with you, just don't let yourself be pushed into anything you don't want to.

I know you must be feeling so confused & so hurt at the moment but if it's any consolation which I'm sure at the moment it isn't....she's just as unhappy too, because where she's dropped this bombshell on your life..... she's had her own on hold for years....how unhappy she must have been at times....but all self induced....shame really that she couldn't see the good man she had & fall in love with him anyway......it's her loss too....hope you pull through all of this ok....

Answer 2

What a shock.
What you really need is some time and space to think. My suggestion would be to go somewhere that you have always wanted to visit and spend a few days just sightseeing. Take your mind off the immediate problem but in the process you will understand what your true feelings are.
She has been faithful for twenty years, she has been a good mother and by the sound of it a good wife even though she says that she does not love you. She must at least have respect for you or she would not have stayed all that time, after all, it does appear that she had options open to her to go.
You need to try to seperate the concepts of passion, love and companionship and get clear in both of your minds what you want for the future. If you just want to agonize about the past it will take you nowhere.
What future do you both want, do you want it together and how are you going to achieve it? Raking over dead ashes isn't going to tell you the future but deciding to build new fires, either together or apart, can actually get you somewhere.

Answer 3

I am so sorry this happened to you. I have been married now for 3 months and I can not fathom the idea of my husband cheating on me. And if he did it would definitely be over whether it happened now and I did not find out 30 years from I would definitely be gone. It is obvious that your wife did not respect you or your marriage. I do not know if you are a Christian or not but the Bible says that you can divorce because of infidelity and get married again and not be an adulterer. You did the right thing. Thru whatever decision you make, understand that you are not the guilty party and the ball is in your court. The decision is up to you whether you stay with her or not. Again I am sorry this happened to you. If you do decided to get out of the relationship, when you start dating again do not, I mean do not, begin this baggage into the next relationship.....It could ruin a potentially good thing for you.

Answer 4

I just think that's sad. The affair 27yrs ago you can move on from that one. Not being the father must be hard, all this time you thought you where? I understand about you not sleeping I went though it too. I had to seek doctor help. My husband cheated on me to more then once. It's a hard thing to go though I know. It's sad.And where separated. But you know what give her credit for staying. She just didn't think about her self she was thinking of the kids over her own happiness. In her book the kids came first and that takes a big person to do that. I know what about you. If she would of told you back then, would you wouldn't stayed? That's something she didn't know eight-er. She knew she had to keep the family together. Am sorry about how you feel. Time Doe's not heal it's what you do in that time to heal. I started to educate myself. I started to read about relationships and how they work and don't work. It open my eyes to a lot of things. I wish I had a man who made lots of money. I like the movie the ta-tic the new one. The one that came out about 6yrs ago. I loved the way he loved her and she trusted him with out a doubt. Where do you find that type of love. E-mail me back. And God is your best helper and being around good friends.

Answer 5

Been here, done this.... It was like you two live in different worlds in the same house. Here's what I did, I looked back all was good untill the last yr. So the first 17 yrs for me were blast, I feel you should look at your first 26 yrs the same way. Now, take the high road. No fighting or fussing, divide everything by 2 and get on with living your life. Don't look back other then to say wow the first 26 yrs was a blast and now I'm gonna make the next 26 even better. Good luck

Answer 6

You now need to go into anger mode, forget about feeling bad of what to do. Do what you need to do leave file for divorce get on w/ your own life now she has been lieing to you for 30 years man. She wasted your time for 30 years.. And it wasnt no 1 time thing that is just it some people will cheat sleep w/ some1 once feel bad and not do it again, oh no not her she just thinks she is something dont she? Well go file for divorce for her see if you can get out of p-aying alimony might be a long shot especially if she never worked, and if your kids are still under 18 you will have to pay child support.. But if they are 18 and over since she wont get child support you might hace to pay the alimony especially if she lived a descent lifestyle in the courts eyes she is used to that lifestyle and needs to keep that lifestyle so if i were you i would be damned if i would have to pay her alimony so get to an attorrney dont say crap to her tell himwhat you found out and see what he can do for ya.. Then when it is all said and done w/.. go find a younger hot girl tell her the story and take her around your wife oooo that will just burn her a** ROTFLOL. how much you want to bet she will want ya then! i am sorry this happend to you i feel horrible for you but that is what you gotta do

Answer 7

My wife cheated a decade ago. I feel it, pal. There are no words to make this kind of pain go away. However, I have to tell you my biggest regret of my entire life was to spend a week or two acting whiny and wimpy after I found out. Stand tall and be strong, you did nothing wrong and it is HER character that is in question now. I would deal with her bluntly, and yes, I would probably consider leaving for awhile (if the kids are grown). Just tell her how sorry you are that she made those choices for herself, too bad that she wasn't able to live up to her promises and commitments. Maybe someday she can be the kind of person she wanted to herself to be. Good luck.

Answer 8

That must have come as a terrible shock to you, but no, your life hasnt been a sham, you have 4 wonderful children to show for your love, yes 4. While you may not be the biological father of one of your children, you are his/her REAL father. You raised, loved and cared for this child, that makes that child yours in every sense of the word.

Maybe your wife has told you all of this now because she thinks the children are old enough for you to split, and maybe she has found someone else. I dont believe she never loved you.....you have been living with your wife for a very long time and if you felt happy then how can your life be a sham. If you felt OK about your marriage, then your wife did everything she could to make you feel that way....She may see you as a brother now, but I dont believe it was always the case....she must really respect you to have been a "good" wife to you. I know thats sounds silly because she cheated, but the fact that she hid it so well is proof that she didnt want the marriage to end, so you must have something very special that allowed her to stay with you.

If you were happy in the marriage then you need to think yourself very lucky to have been happy for so long.....many marriage dont last as long as yours....30 years is a long time to be married and as sad as it is, couples drift apart. You say you cannot sleep because your whole idea of your 30 year love story is gone. Its not gone because if you see it as a 30 year love story, its how you feel. The only thing that has changed is the fact that your wife has told you the truth of what happened such a long time ago....you feelings havent changed and you didnt know anything was wrong.....so its only now you are thinking it was a waste.

Maybe, I am odd, and maybe you are too hurt to see anything good with what your wife did 27 years ago, but for her to stay with you and make you feel loved, then how can she be bad.....she respected you enough and loved her kids enough to not destroy the marriage in the early years. She gave the kids a real chance at a good future and she gave you love. If you felt loved, then she did a wonderful job in making you happy.

She now feels it time to move on...the kids are older and secure and she probably wants to experience much more before she dies. As hard as it is to accept, you have got to let her go and remember.....she gave you the best years of her life, so that has to count for something. It is going to be so hard for you to move on, but you can do it. You too, with time, will find love again.

I wish you all your hearts desires....take care.....be kind to yourself and be kind to your wife.

Answer 9

I'm so sorry to hear about your wife's indiscretions. I can't begin to imagine the hurt you're going through. Your ego must be crying for revenge. But let's not rush to an attack mode. Instead, let's be rationale about this. If you honestly believe that there's no room for reconciliation, then go ahead and contact a good divorce lawyer rightaway.

If you want my 10cents opinion, I'd go for the divorce. I will not leave the house...insist that she be the one to leave!. Let the children go where they want to go (all over 18?). I will not give her a dime over a hundred.

BTW, please don't ever think that the 4 children was a "waste of time". Marriages/relationships do go sour....but the children are the fruits of unions during sweeter/better times...it's not their fault!

Move on...start anew.....Good Luck...God bless.

Answer 10

That kind of betrayal hurts deep. But try to remember how long ago it was. 20 years ago. If you really love her, maybe you can learn to trust her again, but if she really doesn't love you other than in a brotherly fashion, you cannot make a relationship on a one-sided note. You need to sit down and decide if YOU can live with this woman and what she's done or not. Don't think about your kids. Don't think about her. Just this ONCE think about YOU. You can start over again. I know what it's like to be hurt, but trust me....you will get through this. Time heals all wounds. They don't go away, but they get easier to live with. Good luck!