Am I overreacting or is this validated?

Question

My husband is outside of the house 10-12 hours a day with work and travel to and from work. He never calls me during the day to see how I am doing or just to say hi. He knows I am at home all day alone and I do this for him. I'll call just to say hi, or send him an email to let him know I am thinking about him. Sometimes when i do call him at work, he seems distant, maybe busy, or will cut the conversation short. This just burns my *ss! How can one be SOOO busy, all day, that he cant even pick up the phone to say, "hi honey, how are you doing"? I guess I feel like this, cuz he recently had an affair, we are trying to fix it, but I cant help but be skeptical when he acts like this, and when he used his last job to cheat on me. I dont know if the man is really that busy, or if he is avoiding me, or worse, cheating again.

Answer 1

Given his recent track record, I don't think you're overreacting at all! I understand he works, and probably works very hard...BUT...when you say you're working to fix his last mistake and he doesn't even call you...I think he needs to get his priorities straight. Right now, your marriage should be at the top of his list.

Answer 2

My question for you is...did he have this behavior that you say "This just burns my *ss!" prior to his having the affair? Did you e-mail and phone him before the affair? I perceive he has a new job since he cheated and that is never an easy thing to do mid career. Most employers place all new hires on a 30/60/90 day probationary basis that has reason or no reason grounds for termination. It's work...as an employer I was never thrilled with casual calls during work time and especially not on the company phone.
Put little notes in his lunch or snack box you lovingly pack for him each morning. It takes time to rebuild trust and this is one area that you must leave alone...for the well being of your family. You didn't say how long you have been married or how long his affair went on so I am going to assume there was a period before he cheated that you trusted him while he was at work. Try to keep that time period in mind.
Recovery from this type of betrayal can take a long time to heal...if ever. If you aren't seeing a professional marriage counselor make an appointment with one. Do not settle for one you both are not comfortable with. It's hard work restoring a troubled marriage. Mending it requires a bigger leap of faith than the one you took when you married.

Answer 3

You are in a pickle! I was with you until you said he had an affair at the last job. No wonder you are worried. Normally, I would say leave him alone when he's working because men are embarrassed when their wives call. But you don't trust your husband now and it is based on factual elements. The problem is not the phone, but the trust. Did you forgive him? Did he regret having the affair or just getting caught?

You don't mention any children. If you don't have any, or even if you do, you might think about finding a job for yourself. You are just waiting for your husband to come home and that's not much of a life. I hope it works out and I'm sorry he made you mistrust him. But I can't blame you for worrying, that's why I think you deserve more friends and more focus on your own life now.

Answer 4

I would be suspicious too. I mean doesnt he take breaks or lunch? He must, because he found time on the job to have an affair. I would confront him when he comes home. There is no reason for that much neglect. He should be kissing a little a** instead of ignoring you. Sounds like he isnt showing much remorse either. I would cut down on your phone calls and see if he calls more. I would also maybe surprise him for lunch one day and see his reaction. Or if you really cant talk to him about this, suggest marriage counseling. If he is not even willing to do that much to try and pull this marriage together, then you have to start thinking of other options for yourself. Maybe get a little part time job and tuck some cash away, just in case. Sounds way too shady to me. I wish you the best!

Answer 5

Without knowing what went wrong initially with your marriage, it would be rather dangerous to give out any opinion at all. Nevertheless, I think rekindling the love might help. How about trying some open and clear lines of communication ? That is assuming both parties are still in love and want to stay married. Try to create a safe and pleasant environment for him to get close. Tell him what you need instead of thinking he should know, (in a calm and positive manner) it is more important for him to understand you so that you won't develop into a sense of despair. You want connection, not retribution. He's not going to experience your experiences. Perhaps most men think feelings are unpleasant and signal as an alarm bell, may be that is why they tend to shift the focus quickly on to how to fix what is causing the feeling so they don't have to feel it anymore, either that or avoiding it altogether. Do you both accept the differences or do you feel the need to conform ? Do you both invalidate if either party attempt hasn't matched the picture of what it's supposed to look like ? Most women tend to judge and make their partners feel bad about himself when things go wrong (this is generalization), it will only make him resentful and afraid and he might shut down further. And if he gets it wrong, would you be able to acknowledge his good intention or mainly focused on the negative ? But it is defeating the purpose if neither party want to contribute. Hope this might help somewhat.

Answer 6

Same problem here... I asked my husband (when he was in a really good mood one night) why he never called me during the day. He looked at me like I was insane... said "Because I'm WORKING". To him, his work life is totally separate from home, when he's at work, that's what he's focused on. His thoughts switch over to "home mode" when he's driving home, and sometimes he'll call me then, but not frequently. He's often distant when I call him too... I've learned to start the conversation with "Hey, are you busy, or do you have a second to chat?". He said he really appreciates that. I had to learn to not get pouty when his response was "Yeah, I'm busy", though. Sometimes I look for excuses to call him... a stupid question, or to give him info he really doesn't need. I'm still working on being honest and telling him I just wanted to say hello or hear his voice. He's actually texted me 3x in the past month... just a hello or 143. I always make sure to show plenty of appreciation when he does!!! 13 years and I'm still trying to get him to understand that if he calls me and tells me what time he'll be home, I can have dinner ready around that time, instead of it getting cold waiting for him. No luck on that one, though!!!

Answer 7

People can honestly be really busy at work. And even if they weren't, sometimes they aren't allowed to chat on the phone. Maybe he's afraid a boss or coworker will see him slacking off. On the other hand, if those aren't the reasons, and he's not busy, then I would be upset too. Regarding the past cheating, you can either trust him or not. If not, then you need to talk to him and figure out how he can gain your trust again. Distrust is a major cause of relationship failure. If he cheats on you twice... you need to leave him. No excuses.

Answer 8

The best thing you can do is stay positive, pray and work on being the best wife you can be. Go to the library of bookstore and find some books that deal with your issue's ... There is a solution to what your going through. I don't like being bothered at work. I need to stay really focused so he could be the same way. Don't give into suspision's it's not worth it. Don't tear him down ... Build him up! When you start to think negative thoughts make yourself focus on all the good things in your life and what goals you have for your future. A good saying to remember is "To err is human to forgive divine" Your gonna be just fine!

Answer 9

Your husband is being a good company employee. All companies I have worked for have policies against non-business related phone use. My wife works too so she understands. We never call each other to chat. We are both too busy. If we call its about things like what to eat for dinner or what needs to be pick up at the store. If you are insecure about your relationship you should either talk it out or get out. You cannot live your life like this and do not expect him to change.

Answer 10

Taking into consideration what has happened I definitely don't think you're over reacting. Try talking to him and explain to him that it's really important to you that he takes a few minutes out of the day to talk to you. Let him know how much it would ease your mind. But remember, something like this takes a long time to get over. Realistically, even if he starts making time during the work day to chat with you, you're still going to be suspicious. And you have every right to be.

Answer 11

It sounds like he has a fairly new job. Either way, he is probably concentrating on his job. I seldom talk to my husband throughout the day, unless I trully have something to say or need. It is not that we don't want to speak to each other, but although we are personal friends with the business owner, we do not expect him to pay my husband for talking sweet nothings to me. When we have spoken, it is always brief, to the point, and an I love you at the end.