My husband thinks because I stay home, I should iron his shirts, make him coffee, and make him lunch for work?

Question

I am a stay at home mom of 2 kids and do inhome childcare for a 3.5 year old. I homepreschool the kids, that means we do crafts, activities, playdates, field trips. Instead of us paying for preschool, i actually make $500 a month doing inhome daycare. I make dinner 7days a week, I do everything. All he does is work outside home. He never has vacummed, washed dishes or did laundry for the past 4 years. He actually has never cleaned a toilet. I am getting overwhelmed. This morning, I did not make him coffee, iron his shirt or make him lunch. He threw his wallet at me and and said to go get a job then. The least I could do is iron his shirts. My question is, is this normal? Should I be grateful I don;t have to work outside the home? He has brainwashed head into thinking men work outside the home and my job is to the house. I am to the point where I want to call it quits. What do you think? Oh forgot to day I am sik with head cold and fever, which he does know.

Answer 1

Sounds like he's living the way his parents did where the moms stayed home. Things are different today. He should appreciate that you are home and making an income as well and for everything you do. He should contribute as well. If he's blind to see what you do than he isn't worth it. Let him try and find someone else to put up with his BS.

Yes, I'm a guy. My fiancee and I contribute to the house pretty equally. I have a child from a previous marriage and she jumps in and helps her out anytime she needs it. I appreciate that and tell her too.

It's called having compassion and just being thankful you live free and have health. So much other stuff in the world to worry about then an ironed shirt.

I hope you feel better!

Answer 2

Sounds like you didn't train your husband from the start. He was led to believe that you would always fit his pre-conceived notions.
Can't really blame him BUT you should both keep cool.
I homeschooled my two for a number of years, so I know what you're going through. It is an awesome job.
If you could, would you help in any area of your husband's job? (I know. No time) But maybe just to taste a differant experience? Well, have your significant other seeing your job as an experience.
And tell him you are preparing your children for that college scholarship maybe neither of you had.
Whatever you do, don't just get an outside job and put your kids in daycare out of spite. I worked in a daycare one LONG fall season (those poor kids) when my kids were old enough to hold down house.

Answer 3

Wow...that is sad. Is he always like that or is he under some stress at work?

I would tell him that you would like to have a talk and you two need to sit down and you need to tell him that you feel unappreciated. Let him know what all you do all day. Ask him if he wants you to work outside the home and let him know that if you get a job that he will have to help out around the house with the housework. Daycare for two kids is expensive especially if you don't have a good paying job.

I don't think you should call it quits. It's not right how he treated you and you should let him know how you feel. Maybe he got to work and felt bad about the way he treated you.

I would definitely let him know how I feel...

Answer 4

His reaction was a little over the top but he just doesn't understand that you have a full time job too and that you can become overwhelmed by it. You do your fair share but if ironing his shirt and making his coffee is part of your normal routine and you abruptly stopped doing it you threw off his normal routine to which can make any one cranky. Just talk to him tonight about how you feel overwhelmed and ask him if maybe he can help you out a little more. But remember you have the more enjoyable job out of the two of you. Many mothers would love to be stay at home moms and enjoy your two wonderful little gifts all day. Even if they dont always feel like gifts.

Answer 5

No you shouldn't put up with this...anything you do for him is because you want to do this for him! It was not ever because that is your job...raising children is hard! I know I have one and just one is hard! But I do work full time and go to school full time but I know it wouldn't be this way if I had gotten married but I didn't and so this is my road, but anyways, he should be a little more considerate and help you out. You have the kids and he doesn't! Besides there is no way an 8 hour a day job compares to taking care of children 24 hours a day! Sit down and talk to your husband and talk about what your expectations are and what his expectations are and hopefully you guys can meet in the middle.

Answer 6

First of marriage is about love honor and obeying EACH OTHER. That means he should respect you just as much as you respect him. This is not 1950 america this is 2007. Women have just as much rights as men. Therefore if men expect us to take care of them they better not throw stuff at their wives. I think you need to open up to him tell him how you feel about everything. Marriage is also about compromise. If he loves you he will listen and work with you to improve. Maybe you'll have to give a little but so will he (I am sorry you are sick and I hope you feel better) It's concerning that he threw his wallet at you. Also reagurding your question about it being normal it's not normal anymore if you want a job get a job. If you dont and you dont need to work then dont. But maybe he has somethings going on in his life at work. Maybe his job is stressful at times and he feels it isnt right for you to not have to go through the same stress. The best thing to do is to talk with him. Next step seeing if it's worth fixing with counseling or something like that. Like I said if you love him and he loves you you'll stay together. Think of your own happiness first then think of your kids and if they want to see that mom is unhappy all the time. If this continues maybe you will have to consdider seperating for a while then maybe he'll relize what he has lost. You are your own person dont let anybody talk you down!!

Answer 7

Tell him you'll go and get a job and then you can hire a nanny who will cook, clean and take care of the kids. Maybe check to see what the going rate is for one to show him the additional costs it is going to take to do this. Perhaps if he see's what you would earn at an outside job versus what you guys would have to pay someone to come in and do what you do will wake him up.

In the meantime, he needs some counseling if he thinks that you are not pulling your weight around the house.

Answer 8

Ok, so you are home all day, watching a couple of children, and he is not at home all day. If you can make more than the $500 a month you get in day care and the cost it would be to put your kids in day care yourself (say $1000 a month), then you can iron a shirt and make a cup of coffee.
Seriously, the kids do take a nap do they not? That time becomes your free time.
As for the household duties, that is up to you to decide, but I do some in my house, and my husband does some too. We both work and raise children.
I know this isn't the "popular" answer, but you chose to be a at home person, so you get the duties of the home.
When I stayed home, my house was clean, dinner made, and the child taken care of. It was a boring life for me, and I went back to work!

Answer 9

Your husband needs to understand that being a stay at home mom in itself is a full time job as well, one that you can't leave and go home after a long day. I commend you for doing what you, I would never choose to be a stay at home mom. My mom is one and it never ends. I would be upset if I worked all day and my husband just came home and slept the rest of the day away.
While I would want my husband to help and not come home and zonk out on the sofa, you can't expect him to split the housework 50-50. He does work too and its not easy being responsible for keeping a roof over your heads.
I think you guys should sit down and talk about it.

Answer 10

It sounds like you do a lot of work already. If he thinks that your job is easy, let him deal with the 3 kids on his day off. It's his house too, and he should put in the same extra work that you do.

Was he like that before you got married? I also suggest you keep an eye on your husband's behavior. If he's throwing things at you, he might do worse to you or the children.