Marriage Questions. I've been married 8 years and have twin boys 7 years old?

Question

I have a daughter from a previous relationship that my wife has helped raise for the past 9 years. My Daughter thinks of her as her mother. The problem is I can't remember the last time I felt in love with my wife. A truth be told every thing she does annoys me, and I can't find anything I like about her. She asked me about 6 months ago to list 5 things I liked about her and I couldn't and I still can't and I have been trying to find anything to grab on to since. My question is I can live being miserable but I don't want to hurt my children. I want to stay married for their sake. Is there any hope for me to find something in my wife that may allow me to fall back into love with her. She has been trying for the past 6 years and everything she does goes pretty much unnoticed by me. Every attempt she makes to rekindle our relationship gets disolved by some other negitive characteristic trait of hers. Am i past the point of return? Am i hurting the kids by staying and wanting this to work?

Answer 1

I don't think you're necessarily past the point of return. Marriage counseling, if you find a good counselor, can do wonders, even for those who aren't having severe problems. It can help you discover new things about each other, express thoughts and emotions that get tucked away throughout the day, view each other in different ways...help give you a fresh perspective. If you're unhappy in other aspects of your life, it can affect your marriage, in which case you might choose to get counseling for yourself. Having everything she does annoy you isn't necessarily because you don't love her, but maybe because you can't help but put negative focus on the things she does? I have very similar issues with my husband, but counseling has helped me. A relative of mine is going through marriage counseling for his 15 year marriage, and he claims it has helped them tremendously. (They also each happen to be doing personal counseling too) As for your children, sometimes it can be doing more damage than good...but if fights and arguments aren't a common thing and you two appear to be getting along well enough, then I would stick around for a while and seek out other alternatives before deciding on divorce. Good luck.

Answer 2

I think there's nothing wrong with wanting to try and make things work, but in a way you are hurting the kids to stay together if you are unhappy and you're obviously hurting yourself. I know you want you kids happy, but you do matter in this situation and if you are miserable, get out now.

Have you sought out counseling for you two?

Have you two just sat down and discussed the problem like normal adults? You could try explaining what it is that bothers you and I'm sure she has things to say to you as well--keep a level head and hear each other out. See if you can compromise (which doesn't always mean 50/50, in some cases one person might have to give more making it 60/40 or even 10/90). If you can't seem to do so, then maybe it's time to let go.

If you do let go, sit the kids down and explain to them as best that you can. Tell the kids you love them and this is in no way their faults, but tell them mommy and daddy do not want to live together anymore (or something to that affect, I don't know the mentality of your children) and that they are going to see other people, etc. etc.

Answer 3

WoW.
well I can say I've meet a person like you before he was married to my sister and had a baby with her the baby is now 9 yrs old but he's been married several times since then and had about 7 more kids and one b4 he married my sister the thing is you cant just go around having kids and then leaving the mother it just doesnt work like that and the children grow up and think they are suppose to live life the same way Not Good!!!
Stay with your wife pray to God that you will fall back in love and that God takes your mind off the little things that shouldnt matter!
I know prayer works so pray! =)

Answer 4

marriage conceling...if that doesn't work then its time to move on.

You have to get out if its best for you. The kids can manage seeing as how poular divorce is. You would be lieing to yourself if you tried to make it work for the kids.

But try the conceling and see where is goes.

That is too bad though. It seems like 8 years would be something to hold onto. But only if they were a happy 8 years.

Good Luck :)

I feel for you and your wife. And kids. I wish for the best.

Also try to be more romantic in your realtionship. Maybe the love has just faded and you need a getaway or a vacation just with the two of you to remember why you fell in love.

Answer 5

Well, it seems like you really want this to work, mostly for the childrens sake. But on the other hand by your wording you really do want to be in love with your wife. You said that your wife does things to rekindle the relationship, right? And you also said that it doesn't work. Beleive it or not but if YOU try to rekindle the relationship, by doing something nice for her in change, it just made rekindle your spirt to love her. For instance, lets say a pet... would you love or adore you pet if you never touched or played with it? Most likely not, it would just be a object you, and right now that is what you wife is to you. You can't just sit around a watch to see what you like about her. Take action! Don't leave it up to her.

Answer 6

I'm glad you're willing to stay in the relationship for your kids - that's a good start. The truth is, one of the best things you can do for your kids is to love their mother. Kids need that - they feel the most safe and stable when they know their mom and dad love each other.

So how do love her again? The secret is: you love who you serve.

You love your kids because you work, and sacrifice every day to take care of them. The same thing will work for your wife - it won't be easy, but you need to go out of your way to find ways to serve her and make sacrifices for her. Make her comfort your number one priority. Start with little things like doing the dishes or making dinner when it's really her turn.

I don't know how or why this works, but I promise you that it does.

Answer 7

I do not want to be mean ok bcause @least you are trying to ask for advice, But why did you even go out w/ her @ the very begining? and i hate to say it but there has to be something that attracted you to her...so you are full of crap there. I think maybe you are uhappy w/ yourself, or has she gained a little weight? Maybe it is you not her maybe you are just all around one of those people who are not happy no matter what.. Or maybe just maybe you are wanting to go out of your marriage to screw around and your trying to justify feeling that way by finding something wrong w/ her...but as for the kid.which EVERYBODY needs to realize kids are never the only reason to stay together it is worse 4 them to be around an unhappy miserable unaffectionate relationship..even pshyciatrist will tell you that kids need to be around to see their parents showing love and affection to eachother. so that way they will have the same kind of relationship when they get older so i agree w/ the other girl (jewel i think) it is worst to allow the kids to witness a relationship like yours..So if you really want it to work out go to a hotel for a week or 2 but like the 1 girl(stephani) said the 1 thing you love about her is the way she cares for your kid, build from there.. she is trying what have you done for her?

Answer 8

How long did you date before you got married? There had to be something in her that attracted you to her and made you think about spending the rest of your life with her. How much time do you two get alone, without the kids, to go out or to just "hang out" together? Instead of trying to find things you like about her, first find things you like together! You two are a couple, it isn't you vs. her.....know what I mean?
I would suggest family counseling first. This isn't just about you and her, the kids are old enough to participate as well.
I would try that before I made any other decisions. Good luck!

Answer 9

I do think that if you break up it will hurt teh kids. Kids from broken homes do not always turn out so great. I think that one technique you should start doing is everyday compliment your wife on one thing nice she did/ said that day. After a while hopefully it will rub off on you and you will see the good in her. Obviously you one time loved her so maybe try remembering back to those days and see what changed.

Answer 10

Get some marriage or personal counseling. Romance comes and goes in a long term marriage. She may annoy you but maybe the problem lies with your attitude.

Is this what happened in the relationship with your daughter biological mother? Or is that reverberating through your life?

Seek help. Marriage is worth fighting for and too few people know what it is to struggle through these tough times and find their way to true deep abiding love. It is only through this struggle that we actually find it.